I wholeheartily reccomend a softball approach ones there's no interloper attacking the marriage from the outside...
And I said that pretty clear I think... IF the OM is GONE from her head, and the withdrawal is gone you can be more inviting then and DBing is a lot easier...
It IS a lot easier to convince someone to cooperate with you when the temptation to escape doesn't have a face and a voice... Why play hardball if it isn't necessary?
It seems to me that much of the "softball" approach here is being based on this assumption:
OIN's wife has ended her affair, ended contact with OM, and is in withdrawal.
Even if that were TRUE (and I am FAR from certain that it is), there's a HUGE difference between a FWAW that is moody and in withdrawal, but is contrite, remorseful, and just having good and bad days showing her husband a loving attitude.
When my wife ended her affair, she was truly remorseful, and said all of the right things. Then she'd have a couple of good days, and then she'd be Evil Incarnate again for a day, full of venom and entitlement again, but then she'd apologize and then the fit would be over.
I'm seeing NONE of that from OIN's wife, and I'm really seeing NO DISTINCTION in her treatment of him now, vs. her treatment of him when he first came to this forum.
I just think that sometimes crap behavior is crap behavior. Someone please show me the GOOD cycles here! This woman has never recanted her current desire (and plan) to divorce OIN, and she's never exhibited an ounce of remorse.
It IS a lot easier to convince someone to cooperate with you when the temptation to escape doesn't have a face and a voice... Why play hardball if it isn't necessary?
OIN has been trying to "convince his wife to cooperate with him" for as long as he's been posting here. I don't see it working, and supplication rarely (ever??) does.
Allen, your advice is fit for a woman who has ended an affair, is contrite, and has returned to the marriage to try to reconcile. THAT IS NOT THE CASE HERE. We're not even certain there's still no contact (I'm pretty sure there is???), there's NO remorse, and her CURRENT POSITION IS THAT SHE STILL IS DIVORCING HIM AS SOON AS HER FATHER HAS THE HOUSE READY.
Someone please tell me what I'm missing. Hell's bells, if nothing else, when LOTUS and I agree, that oughta tell you something, LOL.
I am perplexed also as to why it is so threatening to suggest to the wife that she should actually act like a wife. All kinds of shenanigans are suggested rather than just flat out speaking the truth. Horrors! What if a husband and wife spoke to each other and said what they think and feel! Would the world stop?
I come from a family that never thought twice about telling one of us that he/she needed to "shape up or ship out", "get with the program", or be reminded that he/she "is not God's gift to the world". People often need these reminders, or they go around taking advantage of those closest to them. It's just human nature. If two people are going to get along over the longterm, they need to be able to speak frankly to each other. I don't believe I said OIN should give his wife an ultimatum that the marriage was over if she didn't say thank you for the ride. I suggested that he let her know that HE NEEDED TO CONSIDER IF HE WANTS TO REMAIN in such a relationship. (And I even surprise myself that I am taking such a Gnosis approach here.) These are relatively gentle words, and I think still in the realm of catching flies with honey.
They had a big fight and he told the supervisor OIN's wife was pursuing him and he got his shifts changed...
I always qualify with "if" the affair is over and out of her head.. and I think its leaving now slowly...
His wife has invited him on outings with her and such... She IS having a LOT of trouble verbalizing anything even remotely nice his way... But the actions are on the odd day inviting and others not so much... BUT its been revealed now that she's been fantasizing about OM and that he was leading her on at work still...
There was a blow up about a week ago where they had a big fight and she's been humiliated at work now..
I think that shift in the politics there may change her attitude at home now... I am inclined to keep up the warm outlook at home to see what effect this change in her work enviornment has on her... She's been in dreamland for months
I suggested that he let her know that HE NEEDED TO CONSIDER IF HE WANTS TO REMAIN in such a relationship. (And I even surprise myself that I am taking such a Gnosis approach here.) These are relatively gentle words, and I think still in the realm of catching flies with honey.
Yes, if you withdraw the "you're not a prize" approach I agree with you... And OIN has spoken up when she was disrespectful to him on a conference call.. he's not just being a complete doormat here.
I just don't know if this is the best time to go on the offensive... I am inclined on waiting a bit to see what impact the mess at work has on her attitude here...
If OM is completely out of her head for over a month and OIN hasnt' seen the slightest improvement in her attitude I would consider changing strategies...
But as long as there is any fantasizing about OM here or cheating THAT should be the subject of issue because they clearly at that point don't CARE about acting like a wife anymore so asking them gently to accept that role is pointless
