MIL being here went well. We had a heart to heart, we are on the same page. We talked about H taking care of the kids when they are there, and how I don't want it to become a burden on her, because right now it is falling onto her shoulders. We started talking about how he's doing--she says he's no longer so angry with everyone, now he just helps out around her house & he sleeps a lot. Hmmm.
She said he told her I didn't want him anymore and just *threw him away*. I told her that wasn't true. There were so many things going on--but I have always loved her son. I love him enough to make him stand on his own two feet. He just needs to work on himself by himself because there are things that I just can't do for him.
She said that he's been talking about going back to school this fall. Even just considering it is a big deal. He's doing it for himself, by himself. Not at my urging, not because he *has to*, but because he wants to. She said he's talking about getting a part time job to help with the kids & finishing his last year. It makes me hopeful that there might be some movement in the tunnel. I know better than to stand at the opening and beckon him, I am just happy knowing that he's thinking about his future.
I've been reading & came across a thought that I wanted to share with you guys. It's from The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura (not a big fan of hers, but I'm enjoying the book.
Anyway, she is talking about how women become hypersensitive to the hurt(real or anticipated) inflicted upon us by our Hs because of our history of being hurt before. Both genders do it, I think, so forgive my use of specific pronouns.
We jump the gun, as it were, to protect ourselves, even when there is nothing to protect ourselves from, and we cause the other person undue pain and rejection. It's cyclic, really and difficult to stop when it's all you've known.
She writes this...
"Wives need to love their husbands as though they've never been hurt before. Otherwise, they destroy today." (pg 51)
That is so true. And I think that when dealing with MLCers, the LBS needs to take it a step further. I think we need to love the MLCer as though we've never been hurt before by them. Not just for them, but for ourselves, as well.
How long am I supposed to make him pay for his mistakes? How is continuing to carry all of this anger and hostility doing either one of us any good? It fills you up and doesn't leave any room for anything else.
Change, happiness, forgiveness, peace--nothing can grow and flourish in the shadow of animosity.
That's what I'm going to be working on. I'm going to start working on forgiving both of us for the pain and sadness of the past few years. I'm going to just let it go. All of it. It's not doing me any good, and it's certainly not helping him any. I want to take the "figuring out my part in the fall of my M" part of DB and take it one step further.
I don't just want to even the score. I want to erase it.
If at the end of the tunnel we end up together again, then I want to start with blank slates. Forgiven and forgotten--but remembered enough that we never repeat these mistakes.
I just pray that in the end he will feel the same way about me. If not, then at least I've done what I needed to do & will no longer being carrying the burden of bitterness and resentment around with me.
But in the meantime...Miller Lite anyone?
Last edited by shelbel; 05/23/1001:25 AM.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.