I know I don't belong in piecing anymore, I guess the move here was premature, but at that point I though we were on the right track. I'm not sure where to go, but for the moment I can't bring myself to leave this forum.
Background:
H 38, Me 37, boys 4 & 6, Married 1988
Fall 02, H travelled tons, I thought he should be home/with boys more--nagged/cold shoulder/angry with him--all backfired, 11/02, tells me he wants D. He gets phone calls on his cell that he suddenly must take outside. Snoop only once, woman's name he works with. He found out I snooped--ugly scene
11/02 Join this BB as JackieH, but change name as too obvious in case he snoops
Winter---see MC, she's not great, but gets us through worst part. I DB butt off. H tells me that I was so miserable last fall that drove him away, likes my disposition better now.
Spring--I get my first ILY. Still very infrequent. He rates our M as a 6 out of 10.
Summer--He plans mystery family vacation to CA, great time, the two of us go to Europe together, wonderful.
Mid-August--H talks about cruise for our 15th anniversary, has been a bad year. Book tickets to Orlando for family vacation. He turns 38. Becomes miserable. Tells me it isn't going to work, he doesn't love me, good times aren't enough, doesn't feel like shouting from roof top that he loves me, feels empty inside. His life is half over and he doesn't want to spend the second half wasting it away with me. Mystery phone calls begin again.
9/5 -- moves to a hotel for 10 days. Decide not to tell parents anything.
9/18 -- home, but apartment hunting. Finds apartment, should be ready mid-October. Has not put money down yet, as far as I know.
10/8 -- He backs out of Disney vacation that we planned in August--he had told me then that we deserve to go have fun as we have had a rough year. I take kids alone.
10/15 15 year anniversary
11/3 Tell kids Dad will be moving into own townhome. They are excited at the prospect of hanging out with Dad without me around.
11/5 He moves into his new home.
11/7 He comes over while I'm gone and clears out his entire side of the closet and all the dresser drawers. I get home from taking the kids up to State College and it was like a huge slap in the face with reality. Going up to Penn State was very hard, we were both in college when we met and I would go up there on weekends to visit him. So many memories came flooding back. So much of the anticipation I used to have driving up that road. Where is it? Why did he throw it away?
He told me as he left he knew I'd always be here for him. I wanted to shout at the arrogance of that statement. He thinks I will always be here?
I wanted to wait to start a thread until I had some goals to report, need new ones and they need to be centered around me, this seems to be a new phase/journey in my life and I need to take advantage of it, but I found I missed the support even for a day or two. Though I spend the evenings in bed crying, my goal is to at least be productive during the day.
Hi Jackie (((((HUGS))))). You know what? I think you should hang around in piecing for a while to see how things play out. Why? My H moved out back in July and I was devastated, but with DB/DR and a lot of patience, I moved over here because of the progress made of late.
Your H will probably enjoy his "freedom" for a bit, but then the reality of missing his home, his kids and even you will hit. During August I tried to go dark but went too literal on it and that didn't help his anger. But when I started to act lovingly detached in September, we began communicating better. By early October, we actually sat down alone and conversed. It cleared up a lot and since then we have been having an EA with each other. You'll have to visit my thread to see that it really wasn't this simple - but you get the idea.
This will be very hard, but enjoy some Jackie time. I hated it at first when my kids went to spend time with daddy, but now I love the time alone. And yes, they will think it is fun at first, but that gets old fast. Usually at least one of them doesn't want to go and fusses until they are driving away. They get bored and want to play with their friends and be at their house, etc. This used to break my heart, but I learned that it was all part of my H learning that life wasn't easy.
Now I can get so much done, I can visit with friends, and do things that I enjoy. In fact, when (staying positive here!) my H returns, I will have to continue to have my time or I will go bonkers!
Make a list of all of those projects you have been meaning to do - it is amazing what a little nervous energy can accomplish!
Hang in there - I am praying for you and yours!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
H sounds fearful. I am learning that fear is the worst thing we have to deal with in our sitches. Give him time. Do not give up.
H said he knows I will always be here for him....that's a positive. H may be needing to figure himself out. Let him.
You continue to work on you. Work on "getting a life" now more than ever. You need to appear independent, happy, self assured, and attractive. Attract him back, don't promote the R...don't promote the M...attraction. Let him see for himself that he belongs with you!
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Making a new list of goals is a great idea. Having a list to look at helps me so much to stay focused.
Do something nurturing for yourself every day. Take advantage of this time to do some things that are harder to do with the boys at home.
I agree with the others that your H sounds scared and hurting. It is so hard to see this when he's being so hurtful to you, but I believe it is there.
Hang in there. You are such an example of strength - for your H, your boys and for everyone here.
Thank you for your posts to my thread. They really mean alot to me. I will check out the Just for Fun forum - I haven't ever looked at it.
(((((Jackie)))))
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
You're doing great, they don't get how selfish that is - to know that they have a choice of coming back and to be able to lean on that. That is where detachment comes in, in time, he'll supposedly start to question whether the door is still open to come back and that is when his changes start.
