That would have been a wake-up call to this WAW...if my H had told me that I was no prize. What a humbling thought! I felt I was the best thing that ever happen to him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I really did not mean to suggest that OIN use those particular words, I was just summing up the idea that she needs a dose of reality to learn that OIN has some standards for a wife to meet. He is not interested in being married just until something better comes along for her, and he does not want to be treated like a servant. If those are the terms of the marriage, then he needs to rethink if he wants it. She is not the only one who can say the marriage does not meet her goals.
And, it is more honorable to come out and say, "If you want to stay married, then some changes need to be made" rather than pretending things are fine while actively searching for a new mate. That is underhanded and devious.
She's not searching for a new mate now... that road is closed, which is why I am reccomending taking a softball approach here... I am suspecting that his wife may be reconsidering her husband as a viable alternative now that the interloper may indeed be gone.
I think while she's reconsidering her husband as a viable option the LAST thing he wants to do is start to pick on her attitude...
And i do believe that MWD agrees with ME here... No where in DR do I recall seeing her suggest that you chastize your wayward spouse as not being a prize...
Wasn't it you Lotus who said "you can catch more flies with honey?" I am seeing a much different approach from you now for some reason...
Call it what you want, and I neither agree nor disagree with it, but the whole thing of "acting as if" is "pretending". Thus the word "acting".
Sounds fine to me if he wants to say "If you want to stay married, then......". That sounds OK to me at the proper timing. Not sure Mrs OIN is far enough over OM to be giving an ultimatum right now.
And this is my opinion based on what I believe, but if I told my W she was no prize, I'm not sure that humbling would come to mind for her.
I do agree that OIN needs to think more strategically now about boundaries. Boundaries does NOT include a tit for tat.
I see different kinds of advice on this board, and I want to express my absolute opinion on it.
I am fine with the whole GAL thing. Where I am NOT fine with it is when we give spouses who are trying to DB "permission" to go hang out with members of the opposite sex while at the same time trying to save their marriage. This is a divorce busting message board, not a divorce causing message board. And truthfully, it's CONFLICTING advice to the person who is trying to save their marriage.
OIN needs to put his focus on his W. Period.
In this case, if OIN is not careful, he will involve a FOURTH party. There is already is/was a third party involved.
OIN's life is complicated and stressful enough as it is.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Why focus on her when she has been kicking dirt up in his face. If she is his only source of female attention, she is basically inserting into him negative attention for his positive interactions. What happens if she is the only one communicating with him, is his image is being distorted. He will not be as attractive to her or anyone else if thats the only place where he gets it from. Thats what some of us where saying, sometimes to get results you have to do some bad things. All of you are giving "good" advice, but in some situations it can't work. I have a feeling I know where OIN's wife is mentally, and I understand the interaction the two of them are doing right now. Basically, today he is the one who is "paying" and he is "paying" her for being cheated on. She is not "paying" anything in their interactions. And he's training her its OK. How long does it take to build a new habit? 3 weeks or so of consistent behaviors. Its been approximately 6 weeks of busted affair and she's been kicking dirt in his face the entire time, as well as giving him very little positive attention if anything at all. I felt that she could come back if she felt OIN had "value". We all know he does have "value", but she doesn't see it that way. Perhaps if others in the world supported that OIN has "value" the wife may see it differently.
After working this all out in my mind, I think he stops "paying" her as much. He should "pay" her very little, due to the fact she cheated on him. Plus on the "payment" was the entire habit thing I mentioned.
Think about the "payment" thing in that OIN, is catering to her needs, providing highly focused attention and concentration on making sure he is doing and saying right, while she is able to have bad behaviors around him and pay him very little attention and care.
He's in a pretty bad spot, but sadly better than mine.
Onside here Glim... It also does NOT set a very good example.. What if OIN's FATHER IN LAW got WIND OF THAT?
He'd be SUNK...
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad advice.. even if he's just socializing with other women... OIN your father in law would have a FIELD DAY with that...
I think he can do it in a respectful manner. What should OIN's father expect when his daughter delivered death blows to OIN? I don't expect many to agree here, but some people will understand what I'm saying.
