2 weeks left to DB

[gatsby11]

True, NM, reconciliation won't be ruined at all. I think my anxiety about 'pushing' away WHs from their babies is bleeding through. . . but yes, all needs to be out on the table.

[Piano]

I understand that anxiety G, and thank God we feel it! We shouldn't stand in their way once the babies are born. It's important we give the WHs the opp to do the right thing, and if they don't, they can live with the consequences and we can live with a good conscience!

[Piano]

"Rock Mama", why thanks jact! (( hugs )). Yes and more advice: chose someone stable with the same values and when H says he is unsure about having kids or the timing or at the slightest murmour, stop and listen.

[Piano]

Bumping this draft email down in case Greek is able to swing by and give her opinion on the wording and the timing.


H.
I am afraid you forfeited many of your rights when you decided to have an extramarital affair when I was 8 weeks pregnant and walked out on our marriage and family when I was 3 months pregnant.

It's taken me a long time to realise that your return to this country has not been to deal with our issues nor end our marriage in a safe or respectful way, nor support me through my pregnancy. From where I am sitting, it seems to have been mainly self-serving... You want your child to carry your name and you want to meet her after the birth and you are here to make it happen. I was expecting you to maybe want more (like to try to reconcile, or to want to help me out a bit more during the pregnancy, or want to help coparent), but I have not been listening to you what you have been telling me...

You have told me we are over. Ok, got that. You have told me you will not be parenting this child. I get that now too. You have told me you are going to leave and live overseas. Ok, got it. I also now get, 5 long months later, that there was never to be any discussion or negotiation about the above. It is unilateral. It is not what I want but I can't stop you. And I don't wish to tell you what to do. I even want you to be to be happy, despite it all, because I love you ...and if leaving us to live 17,000kms away with someone else is what you want, then I won't stand in your way.

I think it can actually work out for me because I really don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me or respect me or want to be with us. And I can't be 'friends' either after this...I dont think you know what you are asking when you tell me you want to be friends. Maybe in seveal years it will be possible...I dont know.

H, trust that I will never stand in the way of your relationship with our child. But as for the birth, if you are not there as my husband or friend to assist in the important and precious work of labor, you'll just have to wait in the hospital lobby until we are ready to see you. Maybe it will help if I explain a bit more about the birthing process itself so you understand why entering the birthing room 'straight away' is probably not possible?

Straight after the baby is born (and this is if the birth is straightfoward and there are no complications), a placenta needs to be birthed and this can take time. The baby will need to latch on to my breast and hopefully establish her first feeding, and bonding time with me. Depending how hard the work has been, we also may need rest time...

We can only make the best decision at the time and I think you need to trust me on this to to the right thing by everyone. Thankyou again for respecting my decision to invite you to meet our daughter when she and I are ready.
Wife.

[Babydoll]

Hi Piano,

just catching up on your thread! Thought the email your H sent was polite. Maybe not what you wanted to hear, but it sounds as if he is interested in meeting his D. I agree with NM, and am not sure if I'd send an email. But if you have that burning desire to do so, maybe I would try to omit some of the negative things you write (sorry) as I think the email is a tool fo you to show your H how strong and wonderful and content you are with your own life. Like Gatsby mentions above, if there are things you've already said then I wouldnt repeat them. No point.

I would make the email a bit more upbeat... remember the friendly neighbor who got you pregnant. When i read the email I felt like it was a bit of a downer, and you dont want H to retract at this point... you want him to come forward. My family keeps telling me 'its easier to attract bees to honey than vinegar!" or however that saying goes!

Im sorry, just stating my opinion. I have sent the you did this so now i am doing that email too and im not sure it works. Not that I am protecting your H or any of our H's feelings, but this email would only be reminding him he is a creep (i am sure he already knows that) and not showing your best side.

Best way to be the walk away spouse... is to just do it! You dont need to tell him... this is where you can show your 180!

Maybe just thank him for wanting to see the baby when she is born and respecting your decisions, dont mention that it make take hours, he will figure it out that day. If you really want to reply, make it short, SWEET and non-threatening.

I hope you'll post when the baby is born!!! So exciting!!!

[gatsby11]

and when H says he is unsure about having kids or the timing or at the slightest murmour, stop and listen.

God yes.

[Piano]

Hi gals,
I seem to be in early labour...contractions n stuff every 5 mins, now down to 10mins. Not long, but painful. moved to my mother's place last night, after she came over a cooked a curry. I think the curry's what set it off! Asked BIL not to mention anyting to WH in case this was a false start.
Have to say not feeling super comfortable at my parents house, feel a biut stuck in my room, and I think it may slow things down. Want my step-father to go make himself scarce! Just had a cry - I really miss H & this is such a private moment...
I am journaling as a way of keeping my mind off things.
I sent an email to WH last night when I thought things had started (but didn't mention that)
Was short and 'friendly' - told him i would call him (or have a family member call him) when i am in labour, and that he will be invited in as soon as we are ready, which may not be straight because of the various things that go on after the birth.
That's all.

I re-read the Detaching links. And I think I get it for the first time.

Having a backslide now of course, since I am a bit nervous about the next few hours...

Hugs!

[newmama]

GO PIANO!!!!! WOOOO HOOO! Ok yes it hurts but you will be meeting your daughter within the next 24 hours!!

Sweetie, I am sorry that you miss your H right now. I don't have words of comfort. But hopefully you will be so focused on your labor that you can push those thoughts aside for awhile!

Thank you for letting us know that you started labor!

[Piano]

Thanks Newmama!!!!!! Who would have thought I'd be able to type between contractions..clearly still early :-)
Do you think my email was OK?
I want to ring him him so much. But I'm scared. Got to be strong and do this alone, I suppose. I will sms him in a few hrs instead perhaps. Want him to find out from me, not a third party.
Step father going to work to keep out from under our feet! xxoo

[newmama]

yes your email is good and since you are in labour, why not tell him now? You said you would call him - is sms the same as texting? You can text him too! wonder if he will want to be with you while you labor? but if not, that is what he has told you all along so it is not a new rejection.