My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

Thank you, Irma. I'm not sure that I'm proud of myself...I have received so much grace over the past two years. without that, I would never have made it through. I have so many blessings to be thankful for.

no, I no longer pray for his return. I don't want him to return--I would never be able to trust him again. his repeated emotional abandonment evolved into physical abandonment. he was never really "there" except, perhaps, in the first year or so, and I continued to blame myself for being inadequate. I tried so hard to be what he wanted--which, ultimately, was for me to be invisible, to meet his needs but ignore my own. he truly is a narcissist, in the clinical sense...really has no ability to understand others' points of view or needs, altho he can fake it well in the beginning. In many ways I have forgiven him (but that's a process, and not a destination) but I will never be vulnerable to him again. nor will I ever need anyone again so much that I try to disappear, or try not to have any needs. I don't know if I even ever want to fall in love again--I trust myself much more now, but that kind of vulnerability is frightening. and I like myself too--finally. not sure I've ever really liked myself before! with every crisis or loss in my life (and there have been many, many painful times), I've been able to look back and discover the lessons in the pain, and the grace with which God was able to redeem the situation. and that's not to say that God gave me the pain so I'd grow--I don't believe it "works" like that. but when horrific things happen, or people make horrific choices resulting in great pain for others, I believe with everything in me that God will eventually redeem the situation, deliver us from pain, and give us healing if we are open to it. my life is an example of that.