Allen just so I understand, are you suggesting to not say anything for now and just try to create positive experiences with my W?
Also W returned home from work, she talked to the dog all upbeat as I just did my own thing, W would then tell me what the dog just did.
W then asked "you going somewhere?" I said "not right away" W then asked where and I said "I thought you and I had planned to go to <place> if not then I will go run a few errands" and W said "I want to go to <place> but what errands did you have to run?" I told W what errand I planned on running sometime today, W then walked out the room.
I did ask W if her head was still hurting...(according to her it has been hurting for 3 days now)? she said "umm hmm"
I did not ask anything about work nor do I plan on to.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
You need to consider if you want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you poorly.
Lotus,
So how come when I said his wife treated him this way (I think I said "boorishly," you jumped my case?
Maybe it was someone else; if so, I apologize. But I distinctly remember recommending to OIN that he stop putting up with his wife's disrespectful and rude behavior, and nearly everyone disagreeing with me.
Puppy
The quickest way to "fix" this may be spending some time with attractive female friends. I've never known someone to talk the other out of this type of behavior. They do it because they can get away with it, and they do it because they want to.
Sorry DLS, but if you are suggesting that OIN spend time with attractive women in some desperate ploy to make his wife jealous I think that's not the best course of action... This would very likley trigger his wife to give up on the marriage entirely and frolic about herself...
OIN I think DBing is a LOT simpler to do when there isn't a third party attacking your marriage.
Once we can be SURE beyond a shadow of a doubt that the OM is GONE... from her workplace AND her imagination your wife will be a LOT more welcoming of reconcilliation if YOU are an inviting prospect
Her disrespect and dismissive attitude I think is largely thanks to the interference of OM... He's done a LOT of damage here... But he continues to do that until your WIFE is convinced he's gone and she gives up on him.
I don't remember jumping your case. I do remember saying that other than the lack of pleasantires, they seemed to get along alright. So I think it was a matter of degree. And then I recommended that OIN talk to his wife about speaking to him at least as well as a stranger. And I think you agreed with that. But, so be it. I think he has more leverage now to set her straight within the marriage because she has become aware that OM is not an option. And, while she has not said she is planning to stay with OIN, it appears that she is comfortable where she is. So I think it is time to let her know that if she does want to stay, she needs to shape up. But, she may not be staying. Either way, I see no reason not to ask her her intentions and let her know that she is not the prize package she seems to think she is.
Stay? Is that all he wants? He doesn't want a faithful wife? He doesn't want a life partner? Then I guess I misunderstand. If what he wants is the status quo, he should make no changes.
Sorry DLS, but if you are suggesting that OIN spend time with attractive women in some desperate ploy to make his wife jealous I think that's not the best course of action... This would very likley trigger his wife to give up on the marriage entirely and frolic about herself...
OIN I think DBing is a LOT simpler to do when there isn't a third party attacking your marriage.
Once we can be SURE beyond a shadow of a doubt that the OM is GONE... from her workplace AND her imagination your wife will be a LOT more welcoming of reconcilliation if YOU are an inviting prospect
Her disrespect and dismissive attitude I think is largely thanks to the interference of OM... He's done a LOT of damage here... But he continues to do that until your WIFE is convinced he's gone and she gives up on him.
Allen A,
I am real respectful of your point of view. What I'm talking about is being effective and what yields results. The manner in which I am describing this is not a desperate ploy at all. Its a well managed situation, where OIN gets the type of attention that he should be getting from his wife. Over time, if that is going to be his wife she will fill that hole. Right now, in the interactions he is going through it is stripping him of his masculinity over time.
He's giving her a high quality interaction and alot of time, but he's not getting much in return. She's getting used to this.
Thats what I don't like. I wasn't prescribing cheating, simply spending time with people who want to spend time with him.
Right now its not his wife, and if he lays back for several weeks ot a month or so maybe she will return.
I don't believe being up as close as he is to her will work. Plus she is getting used to dishing what she is, and still getting like I said a highly focused OIN and alot of his time. She will figure if she gets all that out of him without putting anything out, why should she change anything?
I am real respectful of your point of view. What I'm talking about is being effective and what yields results. The manner in which I am describing this is not a desperate ploy at all. Its a well managed situation, where OIN gets the type of attention that he should be getting from his wife. Over time, if that is going to be his wife she will fill that hole. Right now, in the interactions he is going through it is stripping him of his masculinity over time.
He's giving her a high quality interaction and alot of time, but he's not getting much in return. She's getting used to this.
Thats what I don't like. I wasn't prescribing cheating, simply spending time with people who want to spend time with him.
THIS ABOVE is EXACTLY HOW INFIDELITY STARTS ^ ^ ^
There are LOT of spouses who were and are having trouble with their marriages who are NOT getting their needs met by their spouse... many of them do exactly what you suggest, spend time with OS until partner starts to cooperate... guess what? This is how many affairs start!!!
This is terrible advice, I am sorry, but this advice is NOT going to improve the situation at home... And spending time with the OS to make ONESELF feel better isn't going to improve a marriage at home, its going to make it WORSE
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Right now its not his wife, and if he lays back for several weeks ot a month or so maybe she will return.
I don't believe being up as close as he is to her will work. Plus she is getting used to dishing what she is, and still getting like I said a highly focused OIN and alot of his time. She will figure if she gets all that out of him without putting anything out, why should she change anything?
I don't think so either, I think OIN should lay low, be inviting when he's there, but NOT be in her face all day long... As long as the need for companionship is NOT being offered by or filled by OM, then I say let his wife stew... And be out and about...
But I do NOT reccomend socializing with the opposite sex right now
1. It's way too tempting for OIN 2. It in my opinion will trigger his wife to head out bar-hopping as well
I see different kinds of advice on this board, and I want to express my absolute opinion on it.
I am fine with the whole GAL thing. Where I am NOT fine with it is when we give spouses who are trying to DB "permission" to go hang out with members of the opposite sex while at the same time trying to save their marriage. This is a divorce busting message board, not a divorce causing message board. And truthfully, it's CONFLICTING advice to the person who is trying to save their marriage.
OIN needs to put his focus on his W. Period.
In this case, if OIN is not careful, he will involve a FOURTH party. There is already is/was a third party involved.
OIN's life is complicated and stressful enough as it is.
