Sweety, listen, from someone who tortured herself for almost 2yrs about what I should've could've done... Stop, just don't try to piece together the past, see what you could've done/not done to keep him... supposed you would've gone dark, like I did at some point... that didnt' help my ex to miss me nor the kids nor nothing, his mind was in the gutter/OW, nothing and no one was going to convince him of anything else... he saw many counselors, etc etc... it's on THEM lea, wild horses wouldn't keep me from my family, I did all I could to keep my family intact, I fought for us.... he thought of no one but himself.
Such is the nature of As... now, there a 50% chance that 6plus months from now the A will go sour ... when the craziness of the secrecy is gone... that happened in my case, but even then, when the crazy OW was gone he still didnt' come back to me, so that's another thing not to hold your breath for.
Right now stay in survival mode, take care of you and the kids, I totally agree with minimal contact, it helped me heal a lot, when I saw him it made me just want to cry... I learned lots from 'healing without scars", 'eat, love and pray' and 'the spiritual divorce' books. Treat this new R as a business R, the business being the kids since, sadly, you will have to have contact with him for years to come. Minimize talk, txt and email when you can and just go to the point. I remember how eager ex was to please once he told me we were done... so happy that now he was free to be with ow and thinking all was well with the world.
Dont' do anything that doestn' feel comfortable, dont' bend over backwards for him in any ways.
My faith in God healed me tremendously, I'd still be a mess, but I got closer to God through all the trials, I've grown, I can truly say I've healed and I've gotten ex out of my heart. Again, it took a while... lots of positive mental attitude, GAL, know that you WILL be ok, that you can make it. When (it will happen on an off) you feel the reality falling on you afresh like a ton of bricks give yourself permission to grieve and cry... when the feelings came I would call my cousin or friend and just vent and cry...then I felt much much better, it's ok to gracefully fold now and then.
You are young and have a whole new future ahead!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
