I have not told you to do this before because you had no leverage before. She didn't care what you thought or if you hurt, because you didn't matter. And you still won't matter, if you don't speak up for yourself. But if she is going to hide from the big bad world in the marriage, then you do matter. Because you have to allow her to do that. It is time to let her know that she might have lost her safe refuge too.
The whole bit about OfficerInNeed's role has basically been changed to that of one of a "handler". The point being that now that she has started this habit, that effectively he will be taking care of her until she finds her another relationship that she wants to be in.
The premise of this is pretty depressing, because thats where alot of us are at. And DB'ing "Bo Peep" style really is allowing the wayward to strengthen themself in being a cheater. That unless there are consequences or repurcussions why should they change their ways?
My W does not know that I know so much. I did this with the assistance of a keylogger. If I bring up anything about the OM she will down play the situation unless I have facts to back it up and only way I can do that is expose what I had done, should I?
I has been a few days since the incident, is it too premature to have this conversation? Should i give it a week or so? If she is still hurt over OM, there is a great chance she will not even listen to me.
Which brings me to my next question...knowing that I probably won't people to get her attention long enough for her to hear what I have to say (if I bring up the situation or say something that upsets her, she will walk away and more than likely leave the house before I can finish) could/should I put it in writing?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
OIN, I and a few others here have been where you are.
In some cases when affairs end, they end ugly like this... The OP says or does something very destructive on the way out, betrays the WS in some way... It's common because of the nature of infidelity... Since you've been following their involvement a while now you may notice its quite "high-schoolish" in nature.. This is how affairs are structured.
Affairs aren't built on dating, meeting parents, making long term commitments... They are more like high school relationships... Sneaking around AVOIDING parents, lying, etc... Its a VERY jeuivenile relationship compared to the kind that leads into marriage.
AT THIS POINT, if OM has really left her feeling bruised, damaged, and betrayed... I think YOUR best shot is to NOT SAY ANYTHING about it and to just offer a more viable alternative implicitly.
If she IS removing OM from her system now... THIS is where good memories of you can finally start filling in that void.
This VOID is how infidelity often starts...
Marriages run into a problematic period The couple grows distant A VOID is created in the wayward spouse An interloper meets up with the wayward and offers to fill the void Infidelity grows over the following months
YOU can't make headway with her while OM is in her head... there is NO VOID there... ONCE the VOID is there, you can actually start to offer something inviting to her that she now has SPACE for...
This is why I reccomend attacking an affair head on... using Bo-peep methods during an affair have a serious problem because there's no NEED for a third party... the VOID is filled with the other person.
If OM IS going out of her system finally, YOU may now have a chance to fill that again, IF YOU OFFER SOMETHING INVITING
Once OM left from my situation my wife was a LOT more inviting to a kind gesture and such.. which she got more accustomed to over time... She much like your wife was angry and miserable all the time and wouldn't let me in... That changed once she fully accepted that OM was OUT of the picture.
I think your wife has been daydreaming about this guy still since he never really FIRMLY ENDED the AFFAIR.. he was leading your wife ON by continuing talking with her... so she never really ended the affair in her head...
Do you think I should NOT have this talk with her? Lotus does have a point about OM2 coming along.
I have no idea where my W stands, last she told me 3 days ago she is gone. Then we had a pretty good past couple days considering. Today we plan to have more fun at least before she went to bed we made a few plans for today. She did have work today and OM is working... so there is no telling what kind of mood she will be in when she does get home.
I am just unsure how to approach it from here. Have the talk or carry on and be support and monitor any interactions with OM.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
If you have a talk, I do not recommend revealing your knowledge. You can say you don't know what her relationship with OM was, but you think she was looking for a new husband, and the thought of that upsets you. You think it is wrong to stay married to one person while looking for another husband. You don't know if she is still planning to move out, or if what happened at work changes that. But you are not willing to support her while she looks for another husband. So if that's what's going on, then you do think it's best that she move out. You married her for better or worse, not til something better comes along.
And then just see what she says. You haven't made any ultimatums there. You are just saying "If that's the case, then the marriage is not going in a direction I want to go in." And you don't claim to know anything, you only know what she has told you, or what what was said on the phone calls with OM and OMW. It lets her know that you do have decisions to make in all of this too. It is not all up to her.
You can choose your time. We can't judge that from a distance. You have the best feel for how things are going. When you say the stuff above, you can also bring up the part about how she needs to be nicer to you if she is staying married. Speak to you AT LEAST as well as she would speak to a stranger -- hello, goodbye, thank you, etc. You are a person, not her servant! You need to consider if you want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you poorly.
You need to consider if you want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you poorly.
Lotus,
So how come when I said his wife treated him this way (I think I said "boorishly," you jumped my case?
Maybe it was someone else; if so, I apologize. But I distinctly remember recommending to OIN that he stop putting up with his wife's disrespectful and rude behavior, and nearly everyone disagreeing with me.
