Completely Blindsided

[blind]

So, it's been a long day.

I had three quiet nights in a row, last night only stopping out after shopping for nephew (now 2)'s birthday.

I had an old uni friend come to see me this morning, happy as hell with her two little kids in tow. We chatted and I told her about my sitch - one less person to know.

My back has started twinging, and I think I have a pulled nerve in my neck... so I went ot a massuesse to fix it... still causing me an almighty headache, but a lot better.

Had managed to stay in a very upbeat and positive mood until the birthday. Being surrounded by family just reminds me that she's not there... that everytime we've met up recently we had talked about "when she gets here".... I had to tell neice 9 that she's not going to meet her auntie.

I wanted to break down so many times while there, nbut I managed to hold it together until getting home, closing the door adn laying down.... and mid break right now.

I just feel so alone.


I'm doing everythign I can to fight this, to work through it.... and I just can't get ove how alone I feel.

I feel like I'm a teenager again. I feel like I left my life on the other side of the earth. I'd feel like I was giving up if I had something I could give up on.

I probably shouldn't post while like this.... but I feel like I've got no one else to talk to.

I don't want to worry my friends, and it kills me to see my family's reaction to me being like this.

Just want it to stop hurting.