Oddly enough, it's when I drive mostly that it comes to me. Sometimes a voice will come to me, sometimes I bring a little tape recorder to talk into and then "insights" will just come to me. I find myself driving down long, back roads more and more just to get in touch with that voice.
It's really interesting that a lot of people who go through crisis like these (and make no mistake this is much a life crisis for you as it is for your H) do find the ability to tap into a spiritual energy that is incredibly helpful for the rest of your life. I suspect we all have it, but it takes a really hit over the head to hear it and learn to use it.
The eating thing is weird too. I’m the same. When things were really tough post separation I ate and ate and ate (and drank a lot of wine too … way more than was probably healthy) but as I’ve healed, this miraculous weight loss has occurred without even trying (like 20kg of weightloss that had to happen).
We carry our weight around like our pain (some naturopaths and healers say that excess weight is our emotional pain manifesting in our physical body) and by eating we’re feeding it (because you’re not ready to starve it yet). As the pain lessens, so does the need to feed it. You’ll see. It’ll happen.
That observation you made about how you loved to travel before the kids came to live with you is a really important observation M&H. It’s taken me a long time to figure this out myself, but I know for me that my xH met this vivacious, energetic girl who was on the verge of continuing life’s grand adventure (I’d just returned to Australia from a couple of years working in development in Eastern Europe and I was off to Pakistan for another contract). I fell in love with him, constant phone contact while I was abroad, he came and got me and I didn’t finish my contract. Then the kids lived with us and I was working a very conservative, but high pressure job and I became bat-sh!t boring. I wasn’t me anymore. That’s what happened.
I wonder if the pressures of step-parenting, running a family, working hard, being a wife and still trying to maintain the authentic “you” is even possible – like who’s got time????
The thing I’ve reflected on is that despite how difficult and painful the separation and ultimate divorce were, a few years down the track I’m now back to being my authentic self. I do a crazy job which I LOVE – I’m back in my field, doing stuff I’m passionate about (no more glam but boring jobs climbing the career ladder, clawing at the glass ceiling for me … ever again), I have great friends, an amazing family, gorgeous step children and an xhusband who would give his right arm and left testicle for a place in my remade incredible life.
And all I had to do to get here is to remember who I really was and be her again (it did take me about 3 years to figure out!!).
You are fast on your way M&H. Keep at it.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
