I guess when I look at it that way Tal, I can kinda think all this might be worth it. This pain sucks-no doubt about it, but everytime I think about giving up I think of all the years we were happy and our family and grandkids I just can't imagine not growing old together. A good friend of mine told me that what he wanted was to grow old with someone someone that would button up his sweater for him when it was cold. It brought a vivid picture to my mind, and I thought "we'll get there and all this will be behind us." Things are somewhat improved. He was not as distant tonight as we shopped for our grandson's birthday present and went to our son's basketball game (he was on the news!). I took him back to his apt. and he asked me if I wanted to come up. I said, "do you want me to?" He said, "if you want to." We went back and forth like that and even laughed at ourselves, and he said "Come up and watch the news to see if (S17) is on it." We sat and held hands and when it was over I said I had to go since he was getting up at 5 to go hunting (yuck). He only goes once a yr and he picked the coldest day of the yr so far to go. He hates to be cold, and I don't need any more deer meat in my freezer! There's a ton left from his hunting episode last yr.! I was supportive though and told him to have a great time. I've kept my promise to myself about no R talks, and no mention of OW. It's amazing how much those two things do to break down my M. Tomorrow is our grandson's birthday party. My Father will be there and H has not had anything to do with him for 9 yrs. Seldom have they had to be in the same place,and it will be interesting to see how H acts. My Father has wanted to make amends for yrs. but my H holds grudges for a lifetime. It's been a thorn in my side to be in the middle of this mess.I gave up long ago pleading with H to put it behind him. We're Xmas shopping tomorrow night. We've barely even started! I've never waited this long before, but I have a real laid back attitude about the holidays this yr. No tree. Just stockings and lights on the fireplace. The last two yrs I've forced myself to decorate, and I decided this yr I was doing what I wanted to do.If our S cared I'd decorate,but he doesn't care about that stuff. He told me not to bother the last two yrs! This will be the first time ever we'll not have Xmas morning at home. We'll go down to our D's house 4 doors away. They want to stay home because of the kids. I understand that. We did the same thing. I'm rambling and it's late. DD will call early for help getting ready for the party. My Dad won't recognize me I've lost so much weight! Buying clothes now is FUN! Oh, H kissed me when I left, and I told him I loved him.(couldn't resist) He told me HLM too. My PMA is going up and I'm determined to DB for MY sake as well as for my M. I guess I should have written all this on my thread, I hope you don't mind! Night Tal, Rachael
