Today has been about making changes for me. And it feels good! I started an exercise program (and I can now tell exactly how out of shape I am.) I walked a mile before breakfast, got some laundry done and MIL, DD and I cleaned up around the outside of the rental house. We also got a mini fridge moved in. It'll work for now till I can buy a regular one (the previous tenants trashed the old fridge so badly we didn't even try to clean it. YUCK!)
This morning, H said "I'll be gone most of the day since I've got IC and then some stuff to do and then I'll be at OW's house tonight to visit." He looked worried when he said this, and I was so proud of myself for not reacting like usual. I just shrugged, said "okay, see you tonight, have fun, I've got plenty of stuff to do myself," and then walked away.
Just a few minutes ago, DD came to me and said she missed Daddy. So, I texted H and told him to call the house phone. As soon as the phone rang, I handed it to her and she practically shouted, "HI DADDY I MISS YOU!" She talked to him for a few minutes and then hung up the phone. I know he was already at OW's house, so I hope it made him feel more than a little guilty.
Tomorrow's plan, more exercise, more cleaning and buying a newspaper for more job hunting. And more DBing.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Not too much has happened in the past couple of days. I've been sick, DD has been a holy terror (gotta love 3 yr olds) and H has been kind, caring, self-doubting and absent (all in spans of a few hours each).
I just told him today that I'd be spending most of my time at the other house starting this weekend. I guess I should have been more clear because it took him more than a second to realize I meant I was moving over there. We worked out that DD would stay with him for a week till I could make sure the house was clean enough for her to stay overnight, then I'd take her for a week. We will be seeing each other during the day, but I intend to keep my distance and detach and continue to GAL and seek a new job.
I hate feeling like I'm in a holding pattern.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Elvencat, it has been a week and you are feeling like you are in a holding pattern? Remind yourself this takes months, not weeks.
Also expect that your H is going to test you and he will see what he can "get away with." I was so proud of you not reacting when he said he was going to OW's house!!!
After all, your ACTIONS are speaking to him...you are moving into a different house, you are busy GALing, you are moving on! If he doesn't wake up, he will lose you! I bet he is still thinking you will be there and won't leave him even though he said he wants to leave you! So just hang in there and let time elapse while your ACTIONS prove you are a woman of your word.
Keep up the momentum! I am inspired by you! Keep the faith!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Hey NM, Thanks for the reminder.. I get so impatient. It's weird, when it comes to other people's problems, I have the patience of Job, but with my own... ugh.. one of the things I need to do a 180 on. _______
OK.. So, now why I am posting so late. I am posting so I don't do something stupid and tell H what I really think about OW calling and talking to him at 12:30 am when she knows we're still in the same house and DD sleeps right next to us. That would be WAY too confrontational and I'm trying to do a 180 on that. ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! ok.. feel better now.
Seriously, though, I really wish I had a way to make OW realize how much her actions are impacting my family, and yet at the same time, I think she knows and doesn't care because she wants my H. I know I can't blame this whole situation on her as my H made decisions himself. The thing that makes me so angry is that SHE gave him the "benefit" of her experience getting divorced with kids, and is now capitalizing on his decision that it would be a "better life for everybody" (eventually) if we got divorced. I want to tell her to get the *BLEEP* away from my H and go find somebody not already married to latch onto.
Done ranting. I think I'm calm enough to go back to bed soon. And starting tomorrow, I won't be here if she calls in the middle of the night and he'll have to be the one to deal with DD if she isn't asleep because of it.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Seriously, though, I really wish I had a way to make OW realize how much her actions are impacting my family, and yet at the same time, I think she knows and doesn't care because she wants my H.
Believe me- unless she had no clue that H was married, there is nothing you can do. I forget if she is married- you could tell her H. Other than that, if you confront her, it will bring your H and her closer together! They bond against the enemy you know? And the whole Romeo and Juliet thing with forbidden love makes their feelings intensified and stronger. BARFFFFFF!!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I just realized that I never fully explained the sitch with OW.. so here it goes, but it might be a long post.
OW was a friend of H's from before H and I ever met. In fact, he shared a house with her and her bf for a while before he moved in with his girlfriend of the time. OW and her BF (who she married) had a couple of abortions during their dating period and then got married later on and moved away.
Later, H and I moved separately to the city where OW and her H moved to. My H and I moved in together, were engaged for a couple years and then got married. H would rarely have contact with OW and her H during this time and we went to their house once or twice for barbques.
OW had a couple of children with her H, both of whom had developmental delays and have since been diagnosed with autism. OW left her H and moved back to her mother's house. My H has told me she did this as a WAW type situation and said the usual "I worked on it, but he never changed so I just left" type crap.
So now she has custody of the two boys and her Ex comes to see them or take them to his house every few weeks. We moved back to MIL's basement apartment when I was expecting DD. At that time H didn't know OW had moved back home to a town nearby, but she got back in contact with him a couple years ago and they caught up. H now has disrespect for OW's Ex due to the story OW told him.
They're being friends didn't really bother me at the time because I knew they only saw each other once a week, and then not always, and they hardly had any other contact. But then they started chatting on the computer and she would call him at odd times and that's when I started getting all snippy about it and H got defensive and said I wouldn't be upset about it if it was a guy. I told him that I wouldn't be upset about it at all if he talked to me more than her... but anyway... we know where that went.
My H knows her 2 boys and has been around them enough to know how hard it is to live with them, so he has a great deal of sympathy for OW above and beyond everything else going on. She also lives in a house with her mother (who is borderline personality) and her step-father, who is divorced from her mother, but has nowhere else to go because of his own medical problems, so he lives in a separate bedroom. Her half-sister, who has untreated bi-poler because of the side effects of the meds, also lives in the basement with her bf and their 2 yr old son.
She has a messed up family and I think she sees H as the only sane thing she has a hold on. I think it just makes things that much worse because he feels like he is "helping" her by being an emotional support. It ticks me off that he has been more emotional support to her than he has been to me in the past year.
Just a little bit ago, she called and told him her 10 yr old dog had to be put down for a severe untreatable medical condition and how upset she is. He ran out the door after saying he'd see my tonight. I think it's sad that I can feel more sympathy for the dog than the OW. And I also had to remind him I won't be here when he gets home. He conveniently forgot.
Argh. I'm so angry. My MIL is so awesome that she'll let me vent to her and let me know that she is on my side and can't believe how her son is acting. But at the same time, I completely understand her need to try to appear neutral when it comes to what happens between H and me. It has to be so hard for her, too. She's been through 2 marriages and on her third, her husband had a severe stroke and now has control over only half his body and can't speak. And he's been that way for over 15 years. I keep thinking life could be harder than it is, and I just need to stay positive. *SIGH* It's hard though.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Well, I did it. This is my first post from my own home. DD is with H and I have the evening to myself. I'm being a bum! When I left DD, it was hard, but I knew I'd see her tomorrow, so I made it ok.
DD was angry that I wasn't going to be there tonight, so she demanded to know why. I told her to ask Daddy. If he thinks this is going to be easy for her, he needs to see the emotions play out. She got even angrier when H told her "mommy and daddy will be living in separate houses" and looked at me and shouted "FINE JUST GO!" H was close to tears, and I knew I had to be the strong one so I gave DD a hug, told her goodnight, see you tomorrow, and left.
This is going to sound horrible, but I hope she makes him feel like dirt. He continues to believe this is the best thing and she'll "just get over it, kids are resilient" so he really needs a hard dose of reality.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
I am not getting through the night very easily. Can't get to sleep.. and cried a bit earlier. But I know that either way this plays out I have to do this, for my and my family's sake. I am so worn out. I hope this empty feeling goes away soon.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Hi Elvencat! You know, your first night in your new house is bound to be hard. Probably the first month will be.
Wow- the OW just fits a typical "damsel in distress" type of sitch and your H gets to be the Knight In Shining Armor. She will always be stirring up drama to get him to save her and then she will become controlling over him and demanding, and then when he tries to break away she will throw dramatic "I will kill myself" fits. Yeah- the OW in my sitch has a lot in common with her! So again, you are SOOOOO smart to start GAL and worrying about yourself, making improvements and giving him the taste of divorced life right away.
Quote:
Just a little bit ago, she called and told him her 10 yr old dog had to be put down for a severe untreatable medical condition and how upset she is. He ran out the door after saying he'd see my tonight.
I am sure this would be upsetting but don't you see how she uses it to get him to go over there? She will find many many things like this....things where normally you would feel frustrated or sad but just deal with it on your own suddenly will become so overwhelming to her and she will "need" your H to comfort her! %$#@&*!
Just keep the faith, Elvencat...unfortunately I think your H needs to learn that when you make your bed, you have to lie in it and that when you play with fire, you get burned, and that he won't be able to "fix" her....who knows how long this can take but he will not want her in the end! But at least you are applying pressure now to help shorten the A. (((HUGS!))) Stay strong!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
