We had a tough MC session today. I left exhausted and teary. H said he felt like it was the first session we've had where we've done real work (yes, it was scary to me that he sounded like Forrest G). He felt good about it. But also, H states he still doesn't see much hope for us.
C kept pushing me to identify how I would know/what signs I would expect to see when H is able to get back on track with me. I have my original list in my journal from my first read of DR, but felt like I just couldn't "tip my hand". There was something inside me screaming to not let H know what signs I was looking for/hoping for. If H is so convinced M can't work and I lay out the signs I am watching for.....won't he make sure those exact things don't happen?? OK, maybe not, but can I risk it?
I did say that I felt that if things were getting better, then H would want to spend more time with me. I explained that when the kids are in bed and we have time together he will quickly volunteer to run to get some groceries or go work on something in another room. H said that is the exact answer he had for the same question. He would know things were improving if he actually wanted to be alone with me more. So, I don't follow him around, I don't ask him to do things with me, I try to stay busy, etc. I can see that he is less stressed and home more because of these things, but he still rarely is in the same room with me. I know how he feels about me right now, but it sure does feel like he's ripping my heart out to hear him say it out loud to a third party.
