I'm still experiencing post dramatic syndrome. I've never come out of it because he's come home and left twice. It's so horrible to think your life is getting back to normal-or at least have the chance at it, and then have it yanked out of your heart again. I've not been the same since the day I found out. Yeah-I've confronted-twice,when I found out he was lying. This last time I raved at him for two hrs two nights in a row. I had him a mess. It felt good to let the anger out at him, and at the same time if you could have seen the look on his face. He was broken. He had a TASTE of what I've been living for two years. So many times I wonder if it's not easier to leave him behind and start new. Someday have a relationship with someone I don't have to worry about cheating on me. Knowing there is someone out there that he has had very strong feelings for when he was married to ME. Had a relationship when he was married to ME. Yep, I still have alot of anger when I REALLY think about it. Death WOULD have been easier. His OR mine. Believe me, there were days when I would have welcomed it. Betrayal and abandonment are HUGE issues for me. I lost my Mother when I was three, sexually abused by my older step brother for years, lived with an alcoholic Father all my life and an extremely abusive step Mother. Piece of cake compared to this. The bad part about it is he is still hurting me. He starts acting interested-tells me he loves me, wants us and our family, and is fine for a few months and then wham-here we go again. Distance and him telling me he does not feel close to me. I've had to come to the conclusion that he's nuts. He has to be. Who lives like this?? I'm not totally innocent in this. I've said how I fall back into the insecure little girl, checking up on him, asking him for reassurance about the OW. It's been two days since I swore off the insecurity (as far as he can tell), and questions about the OW. Problem is when your this insecure and you want so bad the reassurace from him, you go into a kind of withdrawal. I get freaked out at work, I'm hurting so bad, having to keep on going, feeling utterly alone. I get so scared sometimes I fear some kind of breakdown. Scary stuff every day. Anxiety maximus. HOW CAN I TRUST HIM? He gives me nothing to go on except him telling me that he has no contact with her. I've heard that before and it was lies. He did go for a period with no contact-I have no way of knowing how long. He keeps getting sucked back in. It's an addiction. He does not want her as a wife, but he uses her to make him feel good about himself. Looks have nothing to do with it. She's 6 yrs older than me, short, dumpy and not attractive. It's all in how she makes HIM feel. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I am tall, slim, and get hit on pretty big time whenever I go into a bar. Why can't he be attracted to me? He is attracted to me sexually,but I've been having to initiate.I think he'd go for a very long time right now. Ok-I'm raging here. I need to though. It's all built up inside since he's doing the distancing thing again. WHY,on God's green earth would he NOT be talking to her now when he's told me he does not feel close to me. Be honest. Does that have a familiar ring to it?? He's not saying ILY anymore. That's always a sign too. A sign he could care less. He's doing things out of obligation, not because he wants to, and he's afraid of what our kids will think if he dumps me again. Problem is-I've let him. HE knows he can go to her, have his fix and then come back to me and I'll be there waiting. What is wrong with me? My family thinks I'm an idiot,but they keep it to themselves thankfully. My two sons think I'm nuts. My D does not care. She's a Daddy's girl and he could sleep with 3 pigs and a chicken and she wouldn't say boo. I don't know folks. I'm getting kinda tired of this dance. He does nothing for my self esteem,that's for sure. He never praises, but can always find something negative to say. Sometimes I ask myself, "Self, Why do you want this man?" My only answer is, I've been with him since I was 16, he's the Father of my children, I don't want a legacy of divorce for my children and grandchildren, and I think I love him. Ok. I'll stop. I sure didn't mean to let all that out. It just came. My biggest question to myself is: Why do I want someone that hurts me repeatedly, and does not want me? Surely this is not healthy. Is it?? Rachael
