Quote: I DO remember walking around in a state of psychic shock. When I looked in the mirror, I saw the haunted look of horror you see in people who are survivors of a natural disaster or airplane crash or something like that.
I'd forgotten about that! I experienced the same thing whenever I looked in the mirror back then. It was frightening and sad all at once.
Also, meeting up with someone I knew but hadn't seen since before the bomb, and then having to watch the shock crack it's way through their smile. Yea, that was another interesting byproduct due to a broken heart that I sort of forgot about.
I'm still experiencing post dramatic syndrome. I've never come out of it because he's come home and left twice. It's so horrible to think your life is getting back to normal-or at least have the chance at it, and then have it yanked out of your heart again. I've not been the same since the day I found out. Yeah-I've confronted-twice,when I found out he was lying. This last time I raved at him for two hrs two nights in a row. I had him a mess. It felt good to let the anger out at him, and at the same time if you could have seen the look on his face. He was broken. He had a TASTE of what I've been living for two years. So many times I wonder if it's not easier to leave him behind and start new. Someday have a relationship with someone I don't have to worry about cheating on me. Knowing there is someone out there that he has had very strong feelings for when he was married to ME. Had a relationship when he was married to ME. Yep, I still have alot of anger when I REALLY think about it. Death WOULD have been easier. His OR mine. Believe me, there were days when I would have welcomed it. Betrayal and abandonment are HUGE issues for me. I lost my Mother when I was three, sexually abused by my older step brother for years, lived with an alcoholic Father all my life and an extremely abusive step Mother. Piece of cake compared to this. The bad part about it is he is still hurting me. He starts acting interested-tells me he loves me, wants us and our family, and is fine for a few months and then wham-here we go again. Distance and him telling me he does not feel close to me. I've had to come to the conclusion that he's nuts. He has to be. Who lives like this?? I'm not totally innocent in this. I've said how I fall back into the insecure little girl, checking up on him, asking him for reassurance about the OW. It's been two days since I swore off the insecurity (as far as he can tell), and questions about the OW. Problem is when your this insecure and you want so bad the reassurace from him, you go into a kind of withdrawal. I get freaked out at work, I'm hurting so bad, having to keep on going, feeling utterly alone. I get so scared sometimes I fear some kind of breakdown. Scary stuff every day. Anxiety maximus. HOW CAN I TRUST HIM? He gives me nothing to go on except him telling me that he has no contact with her. I've heard that before and it was lies. He did go for a period with no contact-I have no way of knowing how long. He keeps getting sucked back in. It's an addiction. He does not want her as a wife, but he uses her to make him feel good about himself. Looks have nothing to do with it. She's 6 yrs older than me, short, dumpy and not attractive. It's all in how she makes HIM feel. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I am tall, slim, and get hit on pretty big time whenever I go into a bar. Why can't he be attracted to me? He is attracted to me sexually,but I've been having to initiate.I think he'd go for a very long time right now. Ok-I'm raging here. I need to though. It's all built up inside since he's doing the distancing thing again. WHY,on God's green earth would he NOT be talking to her now when he's told me he does not feel close to me. Be honest. Does that have a familiar ring to it?? He's not saying ILY anymore. That's always a sign too. A sign he could care less. He's doing things out of obligation, not because he wants to, and he's afraid of what our kids will think if he dumps me again. Problem is-I've let him. HE knows he can go to her, have his fix and then come back to me and I'll be there waiting. What is wrong with me? My family thinks I'm an idiot,but they keep it to themselves thankfully. My two sons think I'm nuts. My D does not care. She's a Daddy's girl and he could sleep with 3 pigs and a chicken and she wouldn't say boo. I don't know folks. I'm getting kinda tired of this dance. He does nothing for my self esteem,that's for sure. He never praises, but can always find something negative to say. Sometimes I ask myself, "Self, Why do you want this man?" My only answer is, I've been with him since I was 16, he's the Father of my children, I don't want a legacy of divorce for my children and grandchildren, and I think I love him. Ok. I'll stop. I sure didn't mean to let all that out. It just came. My biggest question to myself is: Why do I want someone that hurts me repeatedly, and does not want me? Surely this is not healthy. Is it?? Rachael
Quote: I DO remember walking around in a state of psychic shock. When I looked in the mirror, I saw the haunted look of horror you see in people who are survivors of a natural disaster or airplane crash or something like that.
I try to remember that I am still in the process of healing from one of the most difficult and painful things I have ever experienced (and I have by no means had an easy life!)
Powerful stuff! I hear you, and I went through it too. I looked in the mirror and wondered who that person was staring back at me! I saw a thinner woman who looked uncertain and scared to death!
Quote: Knew something was wrong, snooped, confronted, and all hell broke loose! It was definately the turning point for us as well, and I'm sure that having to face us was probably the hardest thing he ever had to do (except for having to face himself!)
That was exactly what happened to me! I knew foralmost a year something was wrong and things were getting a whole lot worse, so I snooped and wish I hadn't. But at least I knew I wsn't nuts! All heck broke loose and my world fell apart! It will soon be 1 year since the bomb dropped, getting a little uptight about that!
Almost a year now for us too. That's why I'm doing all of this work on the before and after. I will ask for H's help in some ways, but mostly this work is mine to do. I know I'll have been changed by what has happened, but I refuse to be a victim. If I allow myself to walk around wounded for the rest of my life, instead of doing the work to heal, that would be--in my mind--allowing myself to be a victim.
Tal, If ya get a chance please read up on me. Things are strained at best. I've stuck to not bringing up OW to him, but I sure wish I knew if she was in the picture again. At least I'd have the reason why he was acting this way. What would I do if I knew for sure? Very good question. I'm already at high anxiety-I'm sure it wouldn't help matters. Rachael
Quote: I hope to hear from some of the people who have been at this a lot longer than I have, that eventually I won't have flashes of reminders everyday. I hope to know that eventually, there won't be an ache in my heart and a catch in my breath whenever those thoughts come.
I can personally respond simply because I'm no where near this myself. I can only relay the words of an inspiratonal woman who once frequented this forum (Matilda) ... those flashes won't ever disappear, but they will occur less and less. As time goes on, it may become only be a couple times a year or so that your mind may wander back to the scars.
After living thru receiving those wounds, the recovery and surviving to see better times ... revisiting those memories for a couple of moments each year is somthing I'm guessing we can live with?!
In a way, it all kinda irrelavent ... even if we let it destroy our M's and we parted ways, those scars still wouldn't be forgotten or be any less painful then they are now. I guess we should work at taking solice that it was the catalyst that turn it all around for the better for the most part.
Quote: In a way, it all kinda irrelavent ... even if we let it destroy our M's and we parted ways, those scars still wouldn't be forgotten or be any less painful then they are now. I guess we should work at taking solice that it was the catalyst that turn it all around for the better for the most part.
That's for sure, KAW. When I think about the other scenario, I'd be having the ache in the heart every time I thought about my EX, and that would be a hundred times a day. I wouldn't just be dealing with the hurt of recovering from the infidelity, I would be grieving for the end of my R.
When it comes right down to it, we're all in a far better place than we could have been without DBing and staying strong.
I guess when I look at it that way Tal, I can kinda think all this might be worth it. This pain sucks-no doubt about it, but everytime I think about giving up I think of all the years we were happy and our family and grandkids I just can't imagine not growing old together. A good friend of mine told me that what he wanted was to grow old with someone someone that would button up his sweater for him when it was cold. It brought a vivid picture to my mind, and I thought "we'll get there and all this will be behind us." Things are somewhat improved. He was not as distant tonight as we shopped for our grandson's birthday present and went to our son's basketball game (he was on the news!). I took him back to his apt. and he asked me if I wanted to come up. I said, "do you want me to?" He said, "if you want to." We went back and forth like that and even laughed at ourselves, and he said "Come up and watch the news to see if (S17) is on it." We sat and held hands and when it was over I said I had to go since he was getting up at 5 to go hunting (yuck). He only goes once a yr and he picked the coldest day of the yr so far to go. He hates to be cold, and I don't need any more deer meat in my freezer! There's a ton left from his hunting episode last yr.! I was supportive though and told him to have a great time. I've kept my promise to myself about no R talks, and no mention of OW. It's amazing how much those two things do to break down my M. Tomorrow is our grandson's birthday party. My Father will be there and H has not had anything to do with him for 9 yrs. Seldom have they had to be in the same place,and it will be interesting to see how H acts. My Father has wanted to make amends for yrs. but my H holds grudges for a lifetime. It's been a thorn in my side to be in the middle of this mess.I gave up long ago pleading with H to put it behind him. We're Xmas shopping tomorrow night. We've barely even started! I've never waited this long before, but I have a real laid back attitude about the holidays this yr. No tree. Just stockings and lights on the fireplace. The last two yrs I've forced myself to decorate, and I decided this yr I was doing what I wanted to do.If our S cared I'd decorate,but he doesn't care about that stuff. He told me not to bother the last two yrs! This will be the first time ever we'll not have Xmas morning at home. We'll go down to our D's house 4 doors away. They want to stay home because of the kids. I understand that. We did the same thing. I'm rambling and it's late. DD will call early for help getting ready for the party. My Dad won't recognize me I've lost so much weight! Buying clothes now is FUN! Oh, H kissed me when I left, and I told him I loved him.(couldn't resist) He told me HLM too. My PMA is going up and I'm determined to DB for MY sake as well as for my M. I guess I should have written all this on my thread, I hope you don't mind! Night Tal, Rachael
