Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Here's the deal with the money and housework. After she left we kept our money in our joint account. We also had a second account but it was only in her name. I had no job at the time and used money from our joint account for groceries, dog food, doctors visits and to pay our joint bills. That was it. I didn't spend a dime of our joint money on anything else except my 3 DB coach sessions.

When I purchased my DB sessions I had just gotten my new job and I had just opened my own account for my paychecks. I was going to take the money from my first paycheck and reimburse our joint account for the DB sessions. I know W knows about this website because she googled the name when she saw it on our bank statement. I would not have charged it that way but the DB people assured me it would not show up as DB, but it did. Anyway, not sure if she follows me here on not...I don't care.

At this same time my W had contacted me about something, and on the advice I was given here, I didn't respond to her for 3 days. On the third day I noticed she took just about all of the money from our joint account. When I confronted her she was pissed. She told me she took the money because I was spending it on other things besides joint bills. I told her that I have only used the money for our joint bills and for my living necessities like groceries and spent very little money on that. Then she tells me in a very aggravated voice that I spent money from our joint account on Divorce Busting. I tried to explain to her that it was counseling for me just like my other IC sessions which I used some of our money on and she never had a problem with that.

I told her that I was going to reimburse the money with my first paycheck. Then she gets upset and tells me that she hadn't heard from me for days after she contacted me and that's why she took the money because she didn't hear from me. Now this is the same woman who I wouldn't hear from for days. I told her that I was upset and could not believe she would take the money just because I purchased DB sessions and I didn't get back to her for a few days. I understand now that her actions were out of anger and this was her controlling behavior. Anyway, she has the money in a different account that I do not have access to. However, she is paying our joint bills every month so I haven't pressed the issue.

Honestly, this all occurred at a time when her thinking and actions were really in another world. She wanted to sell me our car which we owe more than it's worth. I told her I would take over the payments but she would have to pay me for the negative equity, which wasn't much. She said no to this idea. I said that the car is a joint debt and our joint money needs to pay for it. No again. I told her that I would split the payment with her every month. Again, no. She said SHE no longer considered it a joint debt because I was the one using the car exclusively now. I told her she could use it whenever she wanted. Nope again. Then she tells me that we can just let the bank take the car back. What? She said then we would just owe them for the negative equity portion. Hello? Anyone home in there W?

If she paid me the negative equity portion to take over the car, that would pretty much accomplish the same thing for her to get the car out of her name. Wow! So none of this happened. The car is still in both of our names. I pay for the payment each month and the insurance which she still needs to be one since her name is still on the title. Nice. She driving her mom's car now which I think they probably gave to her. I'm guessing she's paying for her own insurance for it but who knows for sure. So that's the car sitch.

Last but most certainly not least, the house. Ah yes, the house. Keeping in mind our financial troubles, we were in danger of losing our house last year. I (me and only me) worked with our bank to work out a loan modification. When W left, the first reason she gave me because I didn't have a job and she was not going to sign for a loan modification since I didn't have a job. It took months top get anything done with the bank. We had no modification yet when she left. Before she left she was so stressed out with the house.

I kept telling her to hang in there and I'm sure the bank will eventually work with us and we can keep our house. Ironically, less than a month after she left the bank gave us a loan modification. We could have (and still can) afford to keep our house under this modification. The bank still does not want our house. I've explained to them that this has been very stressful and W and I are separated. Also tod them house is for sale and got them to agree that we don't need to make any mortgage payments while house if for sale. I told W this and figured she would be pleased but nothing.

The bank said if W and I get back together before the house sells, the loan modification offer is still on the table. As a matter of fact they have made us an even better offer. If this would have happened 8 months ago (house modification and my job) I am sure that W and I would still be together and still be in our house together. We have both moved out. She with her parents and me with mine. Our vacant house sits with a for sale sign in the yard.

I remember after my W left that she was so stressed out with the house she just wanted to get rid of it anyway she could. She was willing just to let it go to foreclosure and was willing to possibly have our wages garnished when the bank would come after us (and I told her they will) for whatever the amount owed after auction. I couldn't believe my ears. Hello! McFly! After a month of talking to her she started to think smart and talked about selling the house. I remember a conversation I had with her father early on after she left. He told me that the house was a huge stress for her and that she probably couldn't even think about the M until the stress of the house was off her shoulders. He seemed to think selling the house would make a difference. Well, the house is for sale, so we'll see.

Sorry for the long post but it felt good to get it out. So as far as the joint money is concerned, she is using it to pay the monthly bills. I already did all of the work to fix the house up (which she didn't want to help). I can understand why she might not have wanted to help with the house because it was too painful for her to be in it. She cried when we signed the papers to put it for sale. Others have told me she said it's hard for her to sell the house. It's such a damn shame. I've got a job now, we have a modification from the bank and could finally have the past behind us and stay in our house. I know she loves this house. The night she cried signing the house papers, I emailed her to check on her and said I love our house too but only she matters to me and I would live anywhere as long as it's with her. She emailed me back a couple days later and thanked me for thinking of her, told me it is hard selling the house but it's the right thing to do.

This is all so damn sad. We are where we are because of money. Plain and simple. That's why it's so frustrating for me watching this M fall apart when the biggest problem (as I see it) has been fixed.

Yes, I still love my wife more than ever!