screwing up big time and need help

[elvencat]

I just realized that I never fully explained the sitch with OW.. so here it goes, but it might be a long post.

OW was a friend of H's from before H and I ever met. In fact, he shared a house with her and her bf for a while before he moved in with his girlfriend of the time. OW and her BF (who she married) had a couple of abortions during their dating period and then got married later on and moved away.

Later, H and I moved separately to the city where OW and her H moved to. My H and I moved in together, were engaged for a couple years and then got married. H would rarely have contact with OW and her H during this time and we went to their house once or twice for barbques.

OW had a couple of children with her H, both of whom had developmental delays and have since been diagnosed with autism. OW left her H and moved back to her mother's house. My H has told me she did this as a WAW type situation and said the usual "I worked on it, but he never changed so I just left" type crap.

So now she has custody of the two boys and her Ex comes to see them or take them to his house every few weeks. We moved back to MIL's basement apartment when I was expecting DD. At that time H didn't know OW had moved back home to a town nearby, but she got back in contact with him a couple years ago and they caught up. H now has disrespect for OW's Ex due to the story OW told him.

They're being friends didn't really bother me at the time because I knew they only saw each other once a week, and then not always, and they hardly had any other contact. But then they started chatting on the computer and she would call him at odd times and that's when I started getting all snippy about it and H got defensive and said I wouldn't be upset about it if it was a guy. I told him that I wouldn't be upset about it at all if he talked to me more than her... but anyway... we know where that went.

My H knows her 2 boys and has been around them enough to know how hard it is to live with them, so he has a great deal of sympathy for OW above and beyond everything else going on. She also lives in a house with her mother (who is borderline personality) and her step-father, who is divorced from her mother, but has nowhere else to go because of his own medical problems, so he lives in a separate bedroom. Her half-sister, who has untreated bi-poler because of the side effects of the meds, also lives in the basement with her bf and their 2 yr old son.

She has a messed up family and I think she sees H as the only sane thing she has a hold on. I think it just makes things that much worse because he feels like he is "helping" her by being an emotional support. It ticks me off that he has been more emotional support to her than he has been to me in the past year.

Just a little bit ago, she called and told him her 10 yr old dog had to be put down for a severe untreatable medical condition and how upset she is. He ran out the door after saying he'd see my tonight. I think it's sad that I can feel more sympathy for the dog than the OW. And I also had to remind him I won't be here when he gets home. He conveniently forgot.

Argh. I'm so angry. My MIL is so awesome that she'll let me vent to her and let me know that she is on my side and can't believe how her son is acting. But at the same time, I completely understand her need to try to appear neutral when it comes to what happens between H and me. It has to be so hard for her, too. She's been through 2 marriages and on her third, her husband had a severe stroke and now has control over only half his body and can't speak. And he's been that way for over 15 years. I keep thinking life could be harder than it is, and I just need to stay positive. *SIGH* It's hard though.