Quote: It is normal to have some mistrust, BUT: 1. It is MY job to decide if there is a REALISTIC basis to my fears. 2. If there IS NOT a REALISTIC basis, it is MY job to force myself to stop obsessing. 3. If there IS a REALISTIC basis, it is MY job to bring my fears to my H and ask for help to deal with my mistrust. 4. If he can--he can, if he can't--he can't, but at least I have come to him. In the end, it is MY job to deal with it.
I love this Tal--helps to put things into perspective--I'll keep this in the memory banks if H and I ever get here....I wonder how the trust issue works if they come back--I know it would be beyond difficult!
I decided that my perception of his withdrawing was REAL and I decided it had to be dealt with or we were going to go in the wrong direction fast. I'll post in my thread Tal what happened. It wasn't pretty, but I think it ended up ok. Sometimes we have to stick our necks out there and tell them what we need. That's exactly what I did. Rachael
I've just been really busy recently and exhausted too. Sons in sports, ya know and ALL the driving around that involves! S16 made the Varsity team in wrestling and has his first meet tonight.
Christmas shopping is almost done. I've also been renovating an upstairs bedroom into a cave/office for Wolfie and that has involved into pulling up carpet, then stripping, sanding and refinishing a beautiful wood floor (maple, I think) that's over 100 years old. It's gonna be killer but what a lot of work!
We've also been taking care of 7 y/o niece and 3 y/o nephew quite a bit while my sister recovers from surgery.
Wow do I have a lot of catching up to do around here!
Tal, There has been a turn of events and I'm left wondering what to do. I'm jumping around asking for hlep because I'm pretty freaked out. I hope this is not the beginning of the end again for us. Rachael
I had a bit of a crappy day yesterday. Lately it seems like everyone around me is a bit grumpy and down, but I've been feeling really good. Yesterday was my turn, probably cuz of major PMS.
I started getting all teary and got a bit mean with Wolfie. I said, "you know, if you hadn't of gotten busted, you would have been gone by now. You would have just left and I wouldn't have known why."
He said that's probably the way things were headed.
I know it was a low-blow. I was insinuting that he had only come back because it was the "right thing to do", saving face because he felt guilty and embarrassed.
I'm glad I dropped that conversation in mid-air--because I was really in a bad frame of mind.
Anyway, after work I went to S16's first wrestling meet. He won the first match, but hurt his sholder. In the second match he got that same sholder worked over hard(geez that was excruciating to watch) and I had to take him to the ER. Luckliy no broken bone, but a badly torn muscle.
I'm having to do some tough love on myself to pull out of the negativity. I have so much to be grateful for and I need to concentrate on that.
So.....
Before: Last Christmas (and even the one before), Wolfie was detached and cold toward the kids and I. He was going through the motions, but not really "there". I remember a specific moment last Christmas morning when we were opening presents...and I was noticing that he wouldn't even sit by me and seemed to push me away when I tried to hug him. After: I just got a call at work from Wolfie. He's taking the boys out to pick up a Christmas tree and get the decorations and lights out of storage. I am so glad to see him reconnecting with our boys. They really had been hurting for quite awhile because of their Dad's absence in their lives.
Before: There had been a tension and silence building up between us that I don't think either one of us knew how to break through. After: There has been more humor and easiness returning. I'd forgotten what it was like to be able to tease each other without it turning into defensiveness and hurt feelings.
Tal, You caught yourself, that's what's important. You stopped cold. Was there a time that you would have started and not known or been able to stop yourself? Geez, it's especially hard with PMS. We're like Cats on a hot tin roof. All jumpy like. When you were comparing last yr. to this year, it brings those gut wrenching memories to mind and ya know it sure would be nice if we wouldn't have ever had to live those memories, but look what you've got to compare them to now! I will have to say that I think the LBS that stick this crap out are the strongest people in the world because nothing hurts worse than a broken heart. Some things are worse than death, and I have to say I think a totally broken heart is one of them. Hey! I'm suppose to be reporting that I went to H's tonight wondering if he was gonna give me the boot, but I went and "aacted as if" my little heart out, and well um, let's just say things went very well. He's still somewhat distant. He's not going to change overnight, but I did. WHOA!! You guys helped pull me out of the pits of despair and anxiety. Jeannine wrote so eloquently her 180's which helped save her R. ((((((THANKS JEANNINE)))))))) If I turn into a nutbar again, please remind me of those. Tal, it's a bump. A mere bump. If anyone knows how to handle herself when those feelings surface it's you, you, you! Rachael
Quote: started getting all teary and got a bit mean with Wolfie. I said, "you know, if you hadn't of gotten busted, you would have been gone by now. You would have just left and I wouldn't have known why."
He said that's probably the way things were headed.
I know it was a low-blow. I was insinuting that he had only come back because it was the "right thing to do", saving face because he felt guilty and embarrassed.
You know, his response doesn't mean he just came back to "save face" - it probably means that if he hadn't had to face up to what he was doing, he might never have come out of his fog to realize what he was losing.
I've had the same thought about my H, BTW - if I hadn't snooped and found out about his affair, I would never have understood what was happening, and he would have followed through on his plans to move out - I might never have known. I think the shock of having to face me and the kids was the start of his turning point - and no, he's not here because of guilt.
Racheal..yeah, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with an Uzi and having a crying jag! Yuck.
Those gut wrenching memories are going to be there no matter what. I'm one of those people that has to process things, so I guess looking at how much better things are now is preferred to getting sucked down into memories and flashbacks of how I felt at the time. I think that if I do the before/after technique, it will be my way of trying to write over those horrible memories with positive ones, it will give me a sense of success and take the power away from that dark and awful time.
I DO understand what you mean with you talk about the similarity with experiencing a death. I actually remember telling some people at the time that it was WORSE than if my H had died. The boys and I would still have been devistated, but wouldn't have had to deal with the betrayal as well.
I DO remember walking around in a state of psychic shock. When I looked in the mirror, I saw the haunted look of horror you see in people who are survivors of a natural disaster or airplane crash or something like that.
I try to remember that I am still in the process of healing from one of the most difficult and painful things I have ever experienced (and I have by no means had an easy life!)
I hope to hear from some of the people who have been at this a lot longer than I have, that eventually I won't have flashes of reminders everyday. I hope to know that eventually, there won't be an ache in my heart and a catch in my breath whenever those thoughts come.
Thanks Ellie. It helps to know that you've had the same thoughts. I know, rationally, that he's not with us out of guilt. The guilt would have actually made it much easier to run away than come back and try to mend the damage he'd done.
I don't think I've ever read the background of your sitch, but it sounds like it was generally the same as mine. Knew something was wrong, snooped, confronted, and all hell broke loose! It was definately the turning point for us as well, and I'm sure that having to face us was probably the hardest thing he ever had to do (except for having to face himself!)
