2 weeks left to DB

[Piano]

Do you feel anything? Do you go in to get measured and checked out today?

Went to the birth centre yesterday, had blood pressure taken, stomach measured, but that's all. I have another 7 days before they will monitor for foetal distress & do a 'stretch n sweep' (or something..not a 'scratch and sniff', as the midwife chuckled sometimes women mistakingly call it, lol!) which is basically the midwife stimulating the cervix to try and induce labour naturally within the next 24hrs. Failing that, if bub is still holding on, they induce on the 14th day.
If I was in the private system or conventional hospital, I would only be allowed 7-10 days over so I am lucky to not have that pressure. Like your story about wanting S out!!

I am ready for her...and am going to start some inducing activities tomorrow, starting with eating a curry for lunch! Unfortunatley I don't have H to have sex with and that's supposed to be a good one too I hear, lol!

Otherwise felt particularly hormonal ('heady' and endorphony) and tired yesterday and I think they're possible signs. Went to the pool but couldn't even be bothered doing one lap - just floated and dreamt away.

I am also quite introspective and withdrawn, but in a warm and fuzzy way. Not sad. In fact, haven't cried about my sitch in around 3 or 4 days.

[Piano]

Okey dokes, here's the kind of email I wanted to send...probably it will now just exist here for journaling purposes! But still keen to know what you think because i may have to rehash some of the ideas in future emails.

H.
I am afraid you forfeited many of your rights when you decided to have an extramarital affair when I was 8 weeks pregnant and walked out on our marriage and family when I was 3 months pregnant.

It's taken me a long time to realise that your return to this country has not been to deal with our issues nor end our marriage in a safe or respectful way, nor support me through my pregnancy. From where I am sitting, it seems to have been mainly self-serving... You want your child to carry your name and you want to meet her after the birth and you are here to make it happen. I was expecting you to maybe want more (like to try to reconcile, or to want to help me out a bit more during the pregnancy, or want to help coparent), but I have not been listening to you what you have been telling me...

You have told me we are over. Ok, got that. You have told me you will not be parenting this child. I get that now too. You have told me you are going to leave and live overseas. Ok, got it. I also now get, 5 long months later, that there was never to be any discussion or negotiation about the above. It is unilateral. It is not what I want but I can't stop you. And I don't wish to tell you what to do. I even want you to be to be happy, despite it all, because I love you ...and if leaving us to live 17,000kms away with someone else is what you want, then I won't stand in your way.

I think it can actually work out for me because I really don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me or respect me or want to be with us. And I can't be 'friends' either after this...I dont think you know what you are asking when you tell me you want to be friends. Maybe in seveal years it will be possible...I dont know.

H, trust that I will never stand in the way of your relationship with our child. But as for the birth, if you are not there as my husband or friend to assist in the important and precious work of labor, you'll just have to wait in the hospital lobby until we are ready to see you. Maybe it will help if I explain a bit more about the birthing process itself so you understand why entering the birthing room 'straight away' is probably not possible?

Straight after the baby is born (and this is if the birth is straightfoward and there are no complications), a placenta needs to be birthed and this can take time. The baby will need to latch on to my breast and hopefully establish her first feeding, and bonding time with me. Depending how hard the work has been, we also may need rest time...

I have not decided all of this in isolation. I have sought the advice of several midwives, doctors and psychologists in and outside the hospital about this very important day, about the birthing process and and how to include you given the circumstances...I have been working on the premise: what works for the baby, works for me, and vise versa. More importantly I have sought advice about any lasting impacts on the child and her future development as a happy person, and any lasting impact on your and her relationship. The current research seems to indicate the most important relationship is that of mother and baby. That's why our needs go first for the duration of the pregnancy, the birth and the months that follow. The research also indicates that the chilld will not really worry later on in her life if you were there or not for the birth itself, or how many hrs after you meet her. It has been shown that children don't measure their childhood happiness or level of parental satisfaction based on these moments. It is the next, subsequent early years that children form an image of their relationship with their parents and how satisfying that relationship is/has been.

We can only make the best decision at the time and I think you need to trust me on this to to the right thing by everyone. Thankyou again for respecting my decision to invite you to meet our daughter when she and I are ready.

Wife.

[gatsby11]

Wow, so much has happened.

First, I also agree that no reply is necessary. I agree with NM- he doesn't have to know exactly when she's born. And he'd better get used to not knowing stuff right when it happens. But journaling is good.

Second, I thought his email response was rather nice, but I guess that's because I liked how he WANTED to see the baby. I don't see too clearly in others' situations because desire to see the child is what I want in mine! But I see how you two read that he was thinking of himself too much.

Introspective and fuzzy. . . sounds kind of nice. Good luck with your natural induction methods!

[Piano]

Hmm..more ideas.. been over reading PEI's thread and here's a reply for the arvhives which could be readapted at the necessary time for any of our sitchs...

"By your own account, you are pulling out of this M. I'm taking care of myself and the children - not catering to you. I would like to work on our M, but that will have to be a joint venture. As long as you are pulling out, I'm not reaching out."

[newmama]

H.
I am afraid you forfeited many of your rights when you decided to have an extramarital affair when I was 8 weeks pregnant and walked out on our marriage and family when I was 3 months pregnant.

It's taken me a long time to realise that your return to this country has not been to deal with our issues nor end our marriage in a safe or respectful way, nor support me through my pregnancy. From where I am sitting, it seems to have been mainly self-serving... You want your child to carry your name and you want to meet her after the birth and you are here to make it happen. I was expecting you to maybe want more (like to try to reconcile, or to want to help me out a bit more during the pregnancy, or want to help coparent), but I have not been listening to you what you have been telling me...

You have told me we are over. Ok, got that. You have told me you will not be parenting this child. I get that now too. You have told me you are going to leave and live overseas. Ok, got it. I also now get, 5 long months later, that there was never to be any discussion or negotiation about the above. It is unilateral. It is not what I want but I can't stop you. And I don't wish to tell you what to do. I even want you to be to be happy, despite it all, because I love you ...and if leaving us to live 17,000kms away with someone else is what you want, then I won't stand in your way.

I think it can actually work out for me because I really don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me or respect me or want to be with us. And I can't be 'friends' either after this...I dont think you know what you are asking when you tell me you want to be friends. Maybe in seveal years it will be possible...I dont know.

H, trust that I will never stand in the way of your relationship with our child. But as for the birth, if you are not there as my husband or friend to assist in the important and precious work of labor, you'll just have to wait in the hospital lobby until we are ready to see you. Maybe it will help if I explain a bit more about the birthing process itself so you understand why entering the birthing room 'straight away' is probably not possible?

Straight after the baby is born (and this is if the birth is straightfoward and there are no complications), a placenta needs to be birthed and this can take time. The baby will need to latch on to my breast and hopefully establish her first feeding, and bonding time with me. Depending how hard the work has been, we also may need rest time...


We can only make the best decision at the time and I think you need to trust me on this to to the right thing by everyone. Thankyou again for respecting my decision to invite you to meet our daughter when she and I are ready.
Wife.

Wow Piano...I really really like your email! I bolded the statements that totally ROCK! You know, the part about what HE WANTS and how he is self serving is completely dead on and he needs to read it! In fact, after reading about how he doesn't want any part to do with any parenting- why the hell should she have his name??? But I get that there are probably good reasons for this and respect your decision of course!!

Hmm. Now that I have read your email, maybe you should send it! What is the worst that he can do? Do you have any ideas?

[gatsby11]

Guys, I don't know!

Have you ever said these things before, P, to his face? If you already have, then I don't think you should say them again. If you haven't, I agree they should be said. I just don't know if right now exactly is the best time.

- You forfeited parental rights
- Your self-serving behavior
- Your unilateral decision
- I (P) will be fine
- I won't stand in the way between you and baby
- Wait in the lobby
- After-birth procedures to explain delay
- You'll meet her when we're ready

That's your message, very condensed, I think.

What exactly do you want as a response from him? And I understand if you don't care what he thinks today, but what would you think in two months if he was still in town?

I don't think he needs to know about the after-birth procedures or about why you'll delay the first meeting. It will just happen that way. Many things in his life between you and he and the baby will just happen without him knowing about it beforehand.

I think the other things should be said later. After the financial talk. After the initial meeting with the baby. I think you guys should have some peace around these events.

That's my advice, take it or leave it!

[newmama]

Gatsby, as usual, you are a smart cookie! Yes...if you have already said this stuff to WH then why repeat it. And I guess it could be sent post birth as well. Sorry to be flaky, Piano, but that email sure had some good points that I think WH needs to hear!! at some point...maybe today isn't the best day.

And I understand if you don't care what he thinks today, but what would you think in two months if he was still in town?

Piano's email did indicate she wanted WH to be happy, that she wanted him to have a relationship with their daughter, that one day maybe they could be friends. The other things she said were, well as Puppy puts it, "truth darts." Just stating the facts, you know? So if she were to send this email at some point, I don't see how it would make her WH not want to reconcile. But I see that maybe there isn't any need to send it right away....

[Piano]

Hugs and thanks to both of you for sticking with this & each making great points.

To email or not to email. To email long (I love your edit NM) or short (like Greek, but would need a tweak)?

I think the Q here is, what are my goals?

My goals are to live by my values
How can I or WH respect me if I don't live by those values and draw boundaries.
I would like to save my M (and "save" from H from his poor decisions) but it is hubris to think I can fix someone esle..and I guess I don't need two children right now.
My other goal is to not ruin his first contact with his child by continuing to war with him. (my hunch - he would let it go. He doesn't/sin't ready to engage on/discuss any of this with me today.has made it very clear)
This last goal may be in conflict with the others.

But as NM says, they are just 'truth darts'.

In which case, I could err on side of caution and not send. And say these things later, as you borht suggest.. was thinking that also.

(and yep G I have said all these things I think in one form or another, but never so consisely and definitively as I have been afraid up until now putting it back at him and being the one to walk away.. I am ready to walk away now).

[newmama]

My other goal is to not ruin his first contact with his child by starting a war with him.

well then, don't send the email until after the birth so you can hold off the war!

And I think you will have no problem sticking to your values because you have been!

And I meant to thank you for helping me understand something- you said that maybe if I had been separated longer than 3 months from WH before S' birth, I would have been able to detach more and made different decisions. This comforts me a great deal! Thank you! Of course I have been so mad at myself for wasting time between July-October and wondering why I was so "weak!" But the point you make helps me to be gentle with myself!

[JacT]

Well ladies all this talk of babies and here I am babysitting my great neice..10 weeks old and 7lb 10.Codie was born 8 weeks early weighing 3LB 11 and she is tiny.Fed, bathed and sound asleep.Have told my eldest D20 not to rush into parenthood but not to leave too late either!
Piano you have so much to look forward to..Rock Mama should be your next name..go girl (((hugs))