MLCer or addicted infidel?

[Marked&Healed]

They say familiarity breeds contempt, but what I see is that it breeds warm, fuzzy feelings. When for whatever reason they feel lost, whether fighting with OP, or missing their kids, or being unsure of themselves and their lives, suddenly the woman/man who knows them and accepts them regardless feels good. It’s that old “you want someone to love you DESPITE knowing who you are.”

I’m starting on my bedroom this weekend, you’ve inspired me.

[WhatNow]

When he acts like this to you, are you staying consistent?

Does he have any possible ulterior motive regarding money or needing to butter you up for something?

Yes, I am being consistent. Hard to keep my mouth shut, but I'm doing it!

You probably don't remember but he wanted me to be friends w/ OW. He wanted her to move in b/c 'she liked to cook and clean and would be a good influence on the kids'! (with just a little kissing and hand-holding) He brought this up many times over the last year and a half....Barf... Thus my concern over cake-eating.

Since DD16's prom (4/24) he has been in a lot of contact. That was our 1st conversation in 4 months. right after that, OW pitched a fit about him seeing me and not telling her, exposing her deceptions about 'hearing things' from me via a friend. I no longer talk to. Maybe it woke H up to who she really is a bit. Dunno....

Thanks for the reminder Lostforwords...

Dim is more the world of parents. With kids in the home, going completely dark is extremely hard. So just go with the conversation, listen, validate, and for question aimed at you...be vague or short in reply. That greats a fog of curiosity around yourself.

Realize the peskiness will get worse. He is testing the waters with no real want to jump back in.

The kids are teenagers so it wasn't hard to go dark for awhile.(It saved me! even with all of his "I miss you" emails.) Since Feb tho, Ds13 has had one health issue after another, that I have had to talk w/ H about.

Thanks you guys. It really helps to have an educated, objective, perspective. I am too close to see clearly sometimes.

[WhatNow]

H called, "just checking in!" Then he wanted a run down on each kid and their current goings ons. (This is a first. H has not been aware of, or even really concerned about them in months (years?) so what gives??) He even asked specific questions about things...he hasn't really been remembering enough about them to formulate a question!


Maybe he is checking to see if we are ok enough to handle a D.

DS's counselor wants to see H with DS in his session on Monday. H said he'd go. hmmmm... I'd like to be a fly on that wall!!

[newmama]

Good job staying objective, Whatnow, and just observing your H's behavior! Yes I did forget that he wanted OW to move in with you. Have you seen Big Love? WH and I used to watch it. He said "wow,that is every man's fantasy!" and then the summer before I found out about his A, he had said "maybe OW could move in with us so we could help her and her little girl"

My point is that your H isn't on another planet by himself...I bet if my H has said that kind of stuff and your H has then many others have too! (just sharing-not saying it is ok!)

Maybe he is checking to see if we are ok enough to handle a D.

Please explain your theory on this possibility....how would this make sense?

[WhatNow]

Have you seen Big Love? WH and I used to watch it.

I watch it...kinda like driving by a car wreck. You don't want to look but you have to!

"maybe OW could move in with us so we could help her and her little girl"

barf. Does OW know about that offer? Shows how they deceive themselves, as much as, if not more than us.

Please explain your theory on this possibility....how would this make sense?

Just a feeling I have. Kinda like the feeling I had the day before he moved out and was 'cleaning his office' but I sensed he was packing. I asked him if he was, and he said no, just cleaning. No actual similarity, just the same feeling.

[WhatNow]

H called again. I didn't pick up.

He called back 20 min later and left a message. He is out boppin' around and wants to 'take' DD16 to get new tires for her car. Please call him.

I told DD to call him. I thought I had 'trained' him to deal with the kids directly. He seems to think that has changed. Anyone ever try to make plans for a teenager? He knows how hard it is to pin her down. And why involve me?

Anyway...she called him back 20 min later, and he told her he didn't have time. ?????

I'm not seeing a pattern. Just increased interest in chatting w/me and increased interest in kids. He is still picking and choosing where he wants to be responsible to them rather than a true responsibility to them. DS is sitting around with a broken arm and limited activity b/c it is not in a cast yet. He is missing our friendship but doesn't want to 'be' a friend to me.


Sometimes he is 12 and others he is 17. From what I know of that time in his life, it is possible he skipped the developmental stages there. The selfishness teens go through, the ego-centric times to break from their parents were missed. He went right from being a child to being responsible adult. This must be where he is now. Not accountable to anyone. Focused on himself, his pleasure, his time to spend as he sees fit, his, his, his. In a non-committed R that cannot go anywhere. No goals or plans beyond today. This is normal for a teenager. That's 5 years he has to make up for.......arghhhhhh

[newmama]

I'm not seeing a pattern. Just increased interest in chatting w/me and increased interest in kids. He is still picking and choosing where he wants to be responsible to them rather than a true responsibility to them. DS is sitting around with a broken arm and limited activity b/c it is not in a cast yet. He is missing our friendship but doesn't want to 'be' a friend to me.

If he is getting to pick and choose where he wants to be and he is flaking, then maybe it's time for more boundaries or a schedule or something!

If you aren't seeing a pattern, does that mean he is just acting willy nilly every day, like acting based on his emotions? If his emotions are all haywire, then something must be up with his life with OW don't you think?

And I totaly relate to what you said about your H missing your friendship but doesn't want to be a friend to you. In fact, I bet we all can! Good way to describe it.

[WhatNow]

If he is getting to pick and choose where he wants to be and he is flaking, then maybe it's time for more boundaries or a schedule or something!

Wish he would schedule time with the kiddos. Though maybe it would set the kids up for disappointment when he didn't show. As it is, he sometimes is a no-show with plans. He hasn't subjected himself to a schedule til now. He needs to be available to OW at all times ya know! There's a pattern! It has been this way since A started.

He went to Counseling with DS13 today. Counselor said it went well. They both came out smiling and making plans to work on DS's new website. H had to hurry off to his counselor, but before he did he looked at my truck tires and said to get new ones right away. And said to take it in before the warranty expires. So, nice of him to worry. Hasn't done too much of that in awhile. I was pleasant, joked about DS's homerun with his lefty in a whiffle game on Sun., and I was in a hurry.

Oh! and yesterday DS's baseball team had a end-of-season picnic. We had a blast. When DS was younger, all the kids had 2 parents. Now, it is mostly single parents (dad's). Hmmmm...

[WhatNow]

H called this afternoon to check on my car, which I'd had to the dealer today. I had already sent him a text with the results and thanking for his help, but I guess he wanted to chat about it. ???

So we chatted for 30 minutes till I had to get off the phone and start dinner. The masses were hungry and I was busy! (Life as usual is going on here without him. Is that the right message?)

Some interesting things came up.

When asked if anything else was new, I brought up today was my Mom's Bday. Also, she had received her Mort Modification. We talked about her issues with spending and her history of manipulating me into giving her $. I have done some 180's w/her, and he was able to see that my stance w/her has changed.

He asked if my parents were D b/c of her $ issues. I told him no, my dad did to her what H is doing to me. He was quiet for a minute, and then said, "We should figure out the 'combining' and go on with our lives". I can't believe he brought this up AGAIN! (He is referring to moving her in!) I took the convo in another direction however, and said "I am getting on with my life". He asked, "you're getting on with your life without me?" I responded, "You have given me no other choice!" The entire chat was spoken in a light, somewhat happy, 'whatever' tone. I know it appears hostile and negative in writing tho.
Anyway...the talk confirm my suspicion of cake-eating.


We had a nice talk about his job, other jobs he was looking at, old jobs he's had, an old co-workers from way back. He liked talking about stuff without having to explain it all first. He seemed starved for general conversation. He seems to be reconnecting with some of his friends, too.

So, he is still completely in a fog, but is missing his life.

[WhatNow]

Arggh...

Just entered an email exchange w/H.

He started it tho. (Gosh, do I sound 12 or what!)

He asked: Yesterday you said you were moving on. Is the door still open?

I replied: Why do you ask?

H: Trying to figure things out.

Me: I am focusing on forward. I haven't turned around to look. let me know what you figure out.

Argggh. Now I am sucked into 'what does this mean?'

He could be waiting for me to find someone else and/or file. Or he could mean he is wanting to put his foot in the door. Or he could mean nothing has changed for him but he has noticed a change in me.

I am glad he asked directly. Too bad he doesn't answer so. This is starting to get too dramatic for me.

Today is the last day of school and I plan on getting the kids busy clearing out junk from their rooms. I'll make a Goodwill donation on Sat. Hard to plan too much with DS's arm in a cast. (He got a black one with a purple stripe--Go SUNS!! They keep surprising us!!) I guess I'll be seeing a lot of movies! I didn't realize how much i rely on DS for a lot of the manual labor around here!