DESPERATE FOR HOPE AND UNDERSTANDING

[angierenee]

I know what you are going through. I myself am going through many yo-yo feelings caused by my husband. He went to see a therapist so "he could better himself", which is good because he finally admitted he is a pathological liar. When he came home from his first counseling session he told me he loved me and we could not have sex while we are separated, i whole heartedly agreed.

The next day he sent me text messages of songs he was listening to as a way to express his feeling of what he is going through right now. Again that night he told me he loved me.

This whole time I have mindfully been giving him his space. I resist the urges to call him or text him, I even resist going into our old bedroom when he is in there (I have been sleeping in my daughter's room since our separation. I do all this because he says he needs to figure himself out. It is so hard for me to see him and not be with him.

Ok so the third night after therapy, I am still up it is 11:30 (But I can never sleep anymore, my mind is bombarded with thoughts, memories, regrets, things i wish I had done different)I am watching TV and he comes out and sits next to me on the couch. He seems upset and I try to comfort him, without being too overboard. He says he wants to have sex, I tell him we can't because his therapist said we shouldnt. He said please, and what can I say I was a push over.

The next morning I get a text while at work asking if I can talk. So I call him and he says I was feeling bad last night because I should have never married you. I was pressured by everyone. And i replied, you proposed to me, I never, ever mentioned marriage you did! He then went on to say "I want a paternity test for our daughter" My jaw dropped. He said my therapist suggested it and I think it's a good idea. I was so crushed.... I have never been with anyone but him. I just said "you honestly don't see yourself in her?" I couldnt continue the conversation. and I had to work feeling miserable.

Suffice to say he stayed distant that night...no i love yous no nothing.

The saddest thing was my daughter mentioned how daddy isnt part of "our family". She is 6 and I just asked why? And she said because you dont love him you dont spend time together anymore. I just said I do love him we are just spending some time apart.

I feel like an absolute yo-yo and I feel like it is always worst for the person who didnt initiate the divorce or separation. Because we are feeling so betrayed, hurt, sad, angry...and we are supposed to take all of these feelings and make ourselves better so our spouse will love us again....and there is a chance that you do all these things and they wont love you anymore and no matter how hard you try nothing matters. It is the worst rollerocaster of feelings i have ever dealt with. And he continues on with life as though everything is peachy keen.

And when he is pretending to hurt....well he just wants sex. next time I will know to say no.