Shiny and J: yes, the Mrs. Hyde thing is a big deal. I know there is some substance to his fears. His first wife was a friend of mine. Dispite the pill, she got pregnant. I don't think they would have lasted more than a few months if it weren't for that. They got married to take care of the medical and financial aspects (the military does well in that regard). She never loved the man, though and resented the burden as she was very young and just wanted to party. She settled for Wolfie and did critisize and put him down a lot.
Second wife was someone he'd dated for a little while after his divorce. He got stationed halfway across the country and things ended with her. A few months later, she called him and said she was coming out to visit. He told her not to, but she showed up anyway. She was supposably on birth control, but called 3 months later and said she was pregnant. He quit the school he was going to and returned to marry her. She really was a psycho-B. Their marraige ended shortly after he took her keys away from her when she was drunk and she went nuts. Somebody called the cops and she ended up in jail for the weekend for domestic violence. She has gone on to have two more kids with other men--trying to find someone to take care of her (or at least send child-support).
I can understand where some of his fears come from, but I remind him that he got two wonderful sons out of the whole deal. ___________________________________________________________
Yesterday he was telling me about a guy he has been taking care of while his family got some respite. The guy was in Viet Nam and went nuts--paranoid schizophrenic (?) so he's still stuck back there in many ways. Wolfie told the guy that he was a vet too, and the guy said that Wolfie obviously made it out a lot better than HE did.
Wolfie told him that I might say different and told him that he suffers from PTSD and has a great deal of difficulty with committing to anything for very long and with intimacy. He said that he'd had several melt-downs and in the last one, he nearly lost me and our family. Viet Nam...the gift that keeps on giving...YUK.
Just so you all don't get the idea that it's all fun and flowers here, I'm still struggling and probably will for some time. The holidays will be full of reminders and I'm still working on that. Wolfie actually said he thought I was joking about the love letter thing.
He keeps trying to convince me that I'm making too much of the thing with OW. He says "it wasn't THAT kind of a relationship, it was a friendship that took a wrong turn at one point".
That would be SO much easier to swallow if I hadn't seen the sexy cloths that he bought her and the hundreds of dollars worth of cell phone bills he racked up calling her 2 and 3 times a day. GRRRRR!
I am still VERY uncomfortable about him still working with her. I need to know that all of the work we are doing on our M won't poof away the first time some dumb-a$$ fluffs up his ego and pulls his d**k!
Holding-How are you coping? I'm not dong so hot. I need to know how NOT to gauge my very being on how my H is treating me! I'm freaked out thinking he is pulling away from me. It's just a feeling and some of his actions seem to be him withdrawing. NO eamils, and when I called him he seemed preoccupied, ya know all the stuff that makes us think they are going in the other direction once again. I can't stand being at work and feeling this way. I'll see him tonight and will try to get a better feel for if this is just me projecting or if he really is distancing. GRRRRRRR, I hate this! Rachael
Rachael, Not too good. Definitely wonder if he is going further away, further into his tunnel. And I don't see him at night. I feel stuck in a nightmare.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Is there OW? How long have you been separated? Was there a time that he acted like he wanted to work it out? I know EXACTLY what you mean about the nightmare. I'd give anything for it to be over. I keep telling myself we're on our way-I mean he's said he's commited to us and talks as if he'll be moving back in. I think I need to back off-I'm sure he's feeling me pursuing. When he's acting right it doesn't feel like pursuing because he's treating me the same way. When he distances-which he denies doing, I feel like I'm definately pursuing. Maybe that's what he wants. It's been our pattern and maybe he backs off to get me in that pursuer role. I wonder.......Rachael
Quote: I am still VERY uncomfortable about him still working with her. I need to know that all of the work we are doing on our M won't poof away the first time some dumb-a$$ fluffs up his ego and pulls his d**k!
Hear, hear! Subscribe to that!
You, Rachael, me... there is an epidemic going on! But you are handling it well, Tal.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Yes she is-I need to follow in that direction and stop letting this ruin my life! It's taken over my very being and I can't seem to step out to get my life back. Mistrust has to be the worst thing-it destroys everything. The only thing worse is if he actually is decieving me once again. Rachael
Quote: Mistrust has to be the worst thing-it destroys everything. The only thing worse is if he actually is decieving me once again. Rachael
I can think of something worse: Nothing is going on, I have a chance at having a really good marraige, and I destroy that by driving my H away with irrational paranoia and constant suspicion!
Second worse case: he is still deceiving me. I know that would come to light on it's own without me having to search. If that happens, then I will consider him pitiful and undeserving of me after all that we have been through. I will go on knowing that I did the best I could.
It is normal to have some mistrust, BUT: 1. It is MY job to decide if there is a REALISTIC basis to my fears. 2. If there IS NOT a REALISTIC basis, it is MY job to force myself to stop obsessing. 3. If there IS a REALISTIC basis, it is MY job to bring my fears to my H and ask for help to deal with my mistrust. 4. If he can--he can, if he can't--he can't, but at least I have come to him. In the end, it is MY job to deal with it.
Most of all, I know that even if he WERE to betray me again--it would hurt but it wouldn't destroy me. I have to be brave enough to work hard at allowing myself to be vulnerable again. Basically, it comes to this: do I want to be a chick$hit or do I want my H and my R?
But you are handling it well, Tal.