I have discussed my situation with my WAW, as you can follow via the links below.
I need someone to cut through all the confusion in my M and help me understand what is happening. I have had 3 DB sessions, which have been helpful. But there are so many questions that I can not answer.
Back on May 5 my W and I went to see my therapist together. I was expecting more of the same: she wants a separation, she doesn't want to work on things, etc. Instead my therapist actually got her to back off the S and talk about our relationship and the good things. We actually laughed a bit..
Eventually I started hearing my W say things like, "No promises..." and talk openly about how I have hurt her by neglecting our R. She made it pretty clear that before she could work on our M she first had to work on herself. But with two twin 2 year olds, she has almost no time to do that. This is when I started wondering to myself, "How would a S make anything easier for her? It would only make it harder." I got a message that she was overwhelmed by raising two kids and had no time for herself. We discussed ways to change that.
But she was still very protective of the hurt. She would not come out and offer me any concessions. But the bottom line was that I felt like she had been talked off the ledge and she was at least willing to put the negative feelings on hold. My therapist ended with, "Just work on being good parents. Be friends and just see how things go." From that day to Mother's Day there was a palpable feeling of less tension between us and we were friendlier to each other, laughing more, etc.
Then Mother's Day came and I put A LOT of thought into making it special for her. I had my sons do a fingerpainting for her, they each gave her flowers, a card, a framed photo of them and another photo with accompanying hand print molds to preserve the day forever. Again, all from the boys.
But it seems from that day she has backslid and again seems distant, less talkative, more withdrawn and she's even snapped at me a few times. But on the other hand, she leans on me to do things for her around the house, for her, and she is quick to text me or forward me pics of the kids when something happens that excites her. I am getting such mixed signals. I know I am their father and am the only person who will care what goes on all day the way she does, but she is so good at turning herself off to me once the kids are sleeping.
She made reservations for dinner for herself, her sister and bro-in-law. I was not invited and instead asked to take care of the kids. It hurt but then again she is at least doing something that makes her happy. But it was an easy opportunity to include me and take a step forward, but she couldn't do it.
I contacted a neutral MC and forwarded her a text with the info and said I wouldn't do anything until I spoke to my W first. She never even replied to the message.
Just a few weeks ago she was telling my therapist that she was there to "work" on things. Now she seems as distant as ever. I am so very confused by this yo-yo-ing. Did I do something wrong? She tells me about the kids' day every night when I get home, she tells me bits and pieces of her own schedule, but she is so stubborn when it comes to doing anything that will bring us closer.
We are on 3 months of this and I have moments of utter agony and ambivalence. The hard times are really hard to deal with because I so miss the affection of my wife. It's killing me.
I am going out alone tomorrow to a grade school reunion (ugh, more torture!), but I have to try and have more fun. But just when it seemed like we had warmed some of the ice, I feel like things have gotten frosty again.
Gosh I could use some sage insight by anyone. I am banging my head against the walls!
