I need help again, 5 years later,,,

[Optimust]

History: M44, W43, D14, D8, M 15 years. Separated and reconciled 5 years ago with a great deal of credit to DR and these boards.
Current sitch: W started talking about not being together about 3 weeks ago, I did not put things together, she said she couldn’t be intimate 2 weeks ago and was not reciprocating my ‘I love you’s’ and straining even to kiss me goodbye. It felt just like it did 5 years ago right before her ILYBINILWY(which she has not said yet(knock on wood)), so I had to check cell log, sure enough, there was a ton of TM and calls to the same number, and it was the number of an EA from 5 years ago, and has been building since second week in march when the first TM hit her phone. I told her, ‘when you’re in contact with OM, I feel it is damaging to our family, and I would like you to not contact him anymore’. Oops. Five minutes of silence and ‘I THINK I want a D’, then 15 minutes later she said she needs space to figure things out and that she is tired of being miserable. She also has spent the night away from home 3 of last 6 nights including the last 2, and I got confirmation that she was at OM place.
Five yrs ago I never exposed the EA’s(2) she had, they fizzled and my DBing got her back. So I don’t think I want to expose it now, because her knee jerk reaction contains the D word.
Some expected causes? W suffers from pretty heavy depression, and our finance’s have been mauled by the recession, turning me into a penny-pinching grouch(180’ing that). I’m doing 180’s, and trying to GAL(not a lot of time has passed), but she seems to be on high-speed. How do I slow her end down? OM lives over 1 hour away, and our 2 D’s lives are firmly planted in our community, so it’s not a convenient EA/PA. I’m thinking I need to back way off and give her massive space around our community.
I need some help, any and all advice is very welcome.