Healing my Heart part 8

[fightingirish]

Im telling you, even when h is away he still finds time to blame crap on me, or take it out on me...

I AM SO TIRED OF THIS SH**!!!!

Hes made because we didn't get paid by the company we finisenhed a job for a month ago, I went call him while the guy was standing in front of me (I called twice). He calls me back and was mad becuase he was on an important phone call and I was bothering him....THE NERVE!! and he is the one that wanted me to call him!!! Then he decides to keep calling me for the next 30 minutes just to aggravate me.. can you even believe his maturity level... idk , I just dont.

He then text me that since I didn't answer, it was going to take me 50 times before he would answer my calls or when he was going to come home....DOH!!!!

OMG.. this man is such a child. The last thing I was going to do was answer his calls since he was just yelling and screaming at me, does he seriously think I care that I wasn't going to be able to get a hold of him...ahhhh not now you moron.

God help me get passed this, I don't need a third child I already have one, at least my real kids are good to me.

[fightingirish]

well he hasn't called or text me since this stupid fight happend... I guess he thinks hes punishing me. My emotions are reeling right now.

I was looking back at the boys pictures and suddenly got really sad and afraid...that one day my kids will be gone and it will just be him and I... and I just don't know, I just want to be in a marriage where there is respect and kindness. and not just hoping for it once in awhile. I could never be as cruel as he is, nor as much as he upsets me, I still couldn't do or say the things he does.

I feel like I am so alone here. Unable to share any of this with anyone except on here, and I can feel myself getting depressed, more and more every time this happens.

Tomorrow the boys have baseball and then Im supposed to stop by my sisters shes having a yard sale. I don't where he is or when he is coming home, should have been home hours ago.. but I guess he needs to punish me a little more as sick as that sounds.

I can't break this terrible Cough I have, Im sure the stress is not helping. Say a prayer for me please, I need it tonight.

[NoCodeBlues]

((((((Irish))))))

I am so sorry. I am beginning to think there is something in the atmosphere this week -- so may people I know have been having to endure abusive behavior from other people. It seems so senseless.

I know I don't really have many words of consolence right now. Just *hugs* and prayers.

God bless and keep all of you, grants you patience and strength.

[NoCodeBlues]

Hi, Irish,

I hope your weekend went well and your week is off to a good start.

Hugs and blessings.

[fightingirish]

Hi Nc.... things have been really rocky. We are actually going away this wkend to D.C. it will be a long ride but the boys are looking forward to it. I have mixed feeling about it. Considering that H and I haven't really been getting along. I will remain calm and in control the whole time for their sake of course but I hope it doesn't come to that.

We planned this over 2 wks ago, so I actually would have considered cancelling, and just taking a day trip with the boys, but The reservations were non-refundable so here we are. We are leaving crack of dawn in the morning, H had to go pick up material for a job (that's why we are going down, he is doing work there.

Hope you all have a great weekend and be safe.

Tal

[NoCodeBlues]

Irish,

I am sorry you two are still struggling. I know how discouraging that is, on so many levels.

I know you're unlikely to get my reply since you've left out on your trip already. But I just wanted to offer the suggestion that you make the best of this weekend. For your sake as well as for your H. As they say (including MWD), act "as-if". Set your differences aside and try to enjoy yourselves for this weekend, at the least. You might be surprised.

I believe in you, lady. You can do this.

Many *HUGS* and blessings. And stay safe on your journey.

[fightingirish]

Thanks NC~ as always your so supportive

The weekend went pretty good, had a couple of bumps along the way, but overall it was good. I'm finding that my older son really likes to push H's buttons, I have to start nipping this in the bud fast. They love eachother and all, but they are so much alike then butt heads often.

H was his typical self..pouting when he didn't get his way, and I just did exactly what you said, and just went on with what we were doing

He ended up getting delayed, so we drove the whole way home again and he left to go back down this morning.. lots of traveling for him.

So I went and spent the day at my mom and dad's and it was real nice. No drama just relaxed time for me. The traveling all wkend had me tired out.


Well tomorrow is our Wedding Anniversary.. 19 years.. he most likely won't be home until tomorrow night so won't be doing anything. Just as well... Considering how things have been, im really not in a celebrating mood.

so that's about it. Im just glad it wasn't terribly bad and we got along for the most part.. must have been your praying NC

Good nite all

T

[NoCodeBlues]

Here's to a Happy Anniversary for you, your H and your family. I really do pray that God will be able to soften your H's heart and that he will not allow his chronic blindness to get in the way to healing his sight for good.

And please do keep your own eyes open to that possibility, remote as it might seem.

I am very glad to hear that your busy weekend allowed you time to relax, and that you took advantage of it. That's so very important.

(((HUGS))) and blessings.

[NoCodeBlues]

<bumping> you up and checking in on ya', Irish.

I hope you all are managing well these days.

Many hugs and blessings.

[fightingirish]

Hello All. Been meaning to update, but as you know, when things get bad, they snowball.

We were expecting to get this big job and it fell through. H was taking it hard, in turn taking his fustrations out on us. Long story but I ended up not talking to him for a day or so.

Speed up to last week. I was laying down because I was starting to get one of my headaches, S4 came up stairs to take a picture of me with H's camera on his phone. Anyways, I said to stop that it was going to use up his memory(uses it for the job sites so
I went to delete some of the pictures, and there they were , Four PORN pictures on his phone, two of them I could tell were taken on the TV and the other two I couldn't tell. Anyways I went Ape Sh!t. I told him that there is no excuse for having that crap on his phone, Especially after all the He!! I have been through with him, this was a slap in the face.

So I told him I wanted him to leave the house. S7 was just getting home from school and I decided we would go somewhere until 8pm or so to give him time to leave. I didn't even really get a chance to say to much to him because his workers were at the house. So I put the boys in the car and told them I would be out in a minute not to come in the house. I told his workers to either go home or wait outside, then I went crazy... Im not proud of myself, but I Really lost it. I told him I didn't want any excuses that I am totally starting to detach myself from him and that I will not have any of the crap in my house or he could just find a apartment to stay in. I said that its not like he isn't getting sex from me... I'll tell you the man gets it almost every day. So what is the need... again, the date of the picture was , get this the date of our anniversary when he was away.. that just put salt in the wound. I told him at this point he was vile and that I am tired of the crap I put up with.

He didn't say he was going to leave though, but I went shopping with the boys and stayed out.

He did call me to ask what we were up to... I said its really none of your business at this point. And if there is anything you have to say for yourself, you'd better say it now. All he did was apologize and said it was on a commerical in the hotel room (for those pay per view movies) and that was all, that it was just a picture. I said you know what, you need something I cannot give you. I have done everything possible to make you happy sexually and emotionally and its still not enough and Im totally worn out and tired trying. He says" thats not true you are enough for me" ... blah blah blah.

Then he says he needs to start riding his bike again and feeling better, I said that's fine do that, but Im not going to sit back and continue on this way. He again apologized, but to me at this juncture it means nothing.

So things were tense, really tense for about 3 days. I didn't want him touching me or anything, and I do know that was torture for him, but that's just too bad, The last thing I wanted at that point was for him to touch me.

things died down, Then Yesterday Me and the boys had a major car accident, some older guy went through a stop sign and hit me broadside..The car was totaled. I was a wreck. The boys and I are fine, just some bruising on them from the seatbelts, but thats all. I was sick last night just from being jarred around.

H didn't make it home til 9:30pm, I was so mad. He couldn't have left the job a little early to come home... again he made it about "him" if you can believe that.

So here I am, things are quiet between us, I did tell him that everytime he pulls this stuff, It pushes me further and further away, and you will be the one who loses. I will know in my heart that tried everything from waiting for you to feel better about yourself to trying to get you to see someone, but you just give me an excuse. I can sleep at night knowing I am doing the right thing can you?

Thats' its folks, just exhuasted today, took the boys to the beach to get them out of the house, but so tired from all the drama yesterday.

Im still here, hoping and praying.