Okey dokes, here's the kind of email I wanted to send...probably it will now just exist here for journaling purposes! But still keen to know what you think because i may have to rehash some of the ideas in future emails.
H. I am afraid you forfeited many of your rights when you decided to have an extramarital affair when I was 8 weeks pregnant and walked out on our marriage and family when I was 3 months pregnant.
It's taken me a long time to realise that your return to this country has not been to deal with our issues nor end our marriage in a safe or respectful way, nor support me through my pregnancy. From where I am sitting, it seems to have been mainly self-serving... You want your child to carry your name and you want to meet her after the birth and you are here to make it happen. I was expecting you to maybe want more (like to try to reconcile, or to want to help me out a bit more during the pregnancy, or want to help coparent), but I have not been listening to you what you have been telling me...
You have told me we are over. Ok, got that. You have told me you will not be parenting this child. I get that now too. You have told me you are going to leave and live overseas. Ok, got it. I also now get, 5 long months later, that there was never to be any discussion or negotiation about the above. It is unilateral. It is not what I want but I can't stop you. And I don't wish to tell you what to do. I even want you to be to be happy, despite it all, because I love you ...and if leaving us to live 17,000kms away with someone else is what you want, then I won't stand in your way.
I think it can actually work out for me because I really don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me or respect me or want to be with us. And I can't be 'friends' either after this...I dont think you know what you are asking when you tell me you want to be friends. Maybe in seveal years it will be possible...I dont know.
H, trust that I will never stand in the way of your relationship with our child. But as for the birth, if you are not there as my husband or friend to assist in the important and precious work of labor, you'll just have to wait in the hospital lobby until we are ready to see you. Maybe it will help if I explain a bit more about the birthing process itself so you understand why entering the birthing room 'straight away' is probably not possible?
Straight after the baby is born (and this is if the birth is straightfoward and there are no complications), a placenta needs to be birthed and this can take time. The baby will need to latch on to my breast and hopefully establish her first feeding, and bonding time with me. Depending how hard the work has been, we also may need rest time...
I have not decided all of this in isolation. I have sought the advice of several midwives, doctors and psychologists in and outside the hospital about this very important day, about the birthing process and and how to include you given the circumstances...I have been working on the premise: what works for the baby, works for me, and vise versa. More importantly I have sought advice about any lasting impacts on the child and her future development as a happy person, and any lasting impact on your and her relationship. The current research seems to indicate the most important relationship is that of mother and baby. That's why our needs go first for the duration of the pregnancy, the birth and the months that follow. The research also indicates that the chilld will not really worry later on in her life if you were there or not for the birth itself, or how many hrs after you meet her. It has been shown that children don't measure their childhood happiness or level of parental satisfaction based on these moments. It is the next, subsequent early years that children form an image of their relationship with their parents and how satisfying that relationship is/has been.
We can only make the best decision at the time and I think you need to trust me on this to to the right thing by everyone. Thankyou again for respecting my decision to invite you to meet our daughter when she and I are ready.
