My only concern is that years ago I brought up MC and I just let it slide. Years later, she brought it up and said that since I never did anythig about it she thought I did not care. I just want to avoid that. I think it will help her get through a lot of her problems. Seems to me that a lot of our problems are based on things that have no direct reasoning with US. Maybe I am just trying to "fix" the situation. So maybe a 180 in this occasion is to show her that I did research it and do care about us. This is why I am asking you more knowledgeable people about this.
She reluctantly agreed before but we also were in a fight just before that.
It sounds like she agreed. Is that right?
If she did...thank her. You didn't beg - you asked! Be proud of yourself, SSM! Many others give up - you didn't. If she backs out, let her know you think it would help and hopes she reconsiders.
What you suggested saying sounds nice, not blaming or weak, but if she agreed, focus only on the best counsellor at the best time.
For me, because my wife was worried about cost, I had to go "cheap" on the MC. I figure, a D costs much more than a good MC. Much, much more. Even if you had to re-request, that isn't begging.
I think I will approach it more that I finished the search for a counselor. Not ask her if it is OK to go but that this is who I found should be able to help us the most. Since she already agreed. If she wavers, and I think she will, I will just say I am following through with what I told you I was going to do.
I also have a back up plan if she says, like she has a few other times, that she said in her letter that she was done. I will say that it also said in her letter that she tried everything to help us, and that is not true. All she had to do was talk to me, and we could have worked on so many problems. Instead she bottled it up and resents me for so much. So of which I do not deserve.
She is driving me crazy right now. First she signs S up for summer bible school. Do I have a problem with him going? No. But she did not ask me about it or even mention about it. She discussed it with her M and they decided. I told her about it and she asked why I was so mad. Now I did not yell and did not accuse, so she obviously felt guilty. I just said, that it was a decision on our S and I should have been consulted. She got all mad and said is it because it is not your religion? I said, no it is because you did not discuss it with me. She has been throwing her Sister/BIL and Mother in my face constantly. She knows I do not like them or anything they do and they feel the same to me. In fact they have been working for years to get me out of the family. Constantly throwing comments like, that is not how he should act and all kinds of comments. W used to tell me most of them, and I said to ask them to stop. W NEVER stood up for me!! So they kept going and eventually, you plant enough seeds and the idea will grow. I take responsibility for the things I did, but nothing was so bad that it requires D to solve them. Come to think of it, very little in my eyes has the answer as divorce. But when she starts telling me stuff about them I just calmly say, that is nice or if that is what they want, and then I go on to another subject. For instance, they want to get my S hair cut like her sisters Son because it would be cute. On top of that W brother in law will cut my S hair because he cuts their son's. Just constantly throwing her family in my face. But if I bring up my family who took her in like a sister or daughter, now she just makes faces and tisks. Our house needs sprayed for ants. My dad has always done that for us. She mentioned it was time, I said I would call my D and she made a face and said, I think we have a can of spray here somewhere. What the hell is that all about. It is driving me crazy. Really it is situations like this that I want to get to a MC. I really do not appreciate the way she has been treating me and I need to get some of it out in a controlled environment. Like the whole Facebook thing. But that has gotten better lately. That is why I think things are better, but who knows anymore.
W thinks she has "reconnected" with her Sister and Mother through all of this. The reality is that her sister and mother would like nothing more than to see W and Me D. As soon as it is over, they will dump on her again like they have the rest of W's life, keep her as their loyal subject. When she was with me she had the confidence to tell them no when they told her to do something. They did not like that. I have not decided if I will be there to help when they do finally dump on her. Not a matter of if, but when. I used to try to protect her from her mother and sister because they really do treat her like S*!&. I need to let her feel the full force of what is coming. And the way I feel right now I do not think I will be there to pick up the pieces. She needs to understand what they are doing to her. I will not do this again. Another thing I hope counseling helps her with, how to deal with her family.
I think the argument about the school is a casualty of war. Talk about the problem instead of bottling it up, but I wouldn't expect to have it solved well.
If it would be solved well, would you need MC? I thanked my wife for asking for a divorce because it forced us to work on the problems stressing me out (and her obviosly)
Thanks OTM. We did solve the problem maybe. See the problem we have been having in our marriage is that if I do something to make her mad, she acts as if nothing has happened and then buries it inside. We rarely fight because she just buries her feelings. She has ALWAYS done that. That is the problem; she resents me for stuff that I do not even remembering doing from 5-7 years ago. I want to go to MC to get rid of the baggage keeping us apart. It is mostly on her side because I talk about what problems we have. Even if we discuss it or argue about it and it is done, does not mean she let it go in her head. This is the constant battle I have with her. I am afraid to say anything because who knows how she will react and what she keeps inside. She needs to deal and let go and she has no idea how to do it. She is tired and overburdened by the baggage she carries around from stuff that her sister, mother and whoever else she holds these negative feelings for. I tried to get her to go to IC but she wouldn't. Says there is nothing wrong with her. I privately claim she still has postpartum depression as well as transferred depression from me. I have not told her that. I told her that I would like her to find a way to let things go, and my IC taught me how to do that so hopefully it would help her. But she would not go. Now I think if I can get her to a MC, they may be able to help her with that. Honestly, we do not have that many problems. But in her head there are insurmountable problems because she is still thinking of little stuff from 10 years ago and will not let it go. I say, can't change it, then learn from it and let it go. She can't do that. Any suggestions? Coach, does your opinion change after hearing a little more about what is going on?
I hope someone is out there this weekend. Having a hard time and could use some support. Things have been going good between W and myself in a lot of ways. More flirting touching and she has been making fun of me. Which I see as good because it is a form of flirting and she seems to be comfortable enough to do it without hurting my feelings.
then at lunch today, she mentions that we need to get the electrical fixed in her room, (she is still sleeping in the other room) because it is getting humid here in Ohio and we do not have central air. So she does not have air conditioning in the seperate room. I did not say anything at the time and let the conversation change. Did not say yes and did not say NO. But we would have to run wire to the second floor of a house built in 1913 and buy an air conditioner. At this delicate time in our R, would it be bad to say we should not spend the money and she move back in our bedroom? Our daily interactions are getting VERY good. Like nothing is wrong at all. But she manages to remind me with hints and actions that we are not back together. I am lost what to do.
The other difficult part I am having is that I think she is really flirting with me. But I do not know if she wants to do anything for sure. I am so bad at knowing when W wants to do anything. In our entire relationship I cannot remember her initiating relations. So what people tell me on here is to wait until she initiates, but that time may never come. But I also do not know if it would be bad if I tried and she said NO. I am not sure I could take the rejection anyway. But I know that she is wanting it, the problem is I do not know if she is ready to be with me. I have caught her looking at porn and who knows what else. She does not know I know either. Should I try? I am thinking that if I try with the thought that she is going to say no maybe it will not hurt if she says no. My worry is, what will it do to our delicate R now if she does not want it? Will it set us back? PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
Run the wire and get the air conditioner. Then playfully tell her if she gets cold that you keep the other bed nice and warm. No expectations.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Be calm and enjoy the positive interactions...expect the odd negative one (don't overreact).
Trying can never be bad, but it may not help, either. Trying doesn't have to be the whole 9 yards...one step at a time. If she's flirting...test the waters and enjoy each step you do manage to take.
But I also do not know if it would be bad if I tried and she said NO.
Don't you think a good hint for you to know...is when she's ready to move back into your bedroom? Seems that should be one of the consequences of not sharing a bed with you....is not having sex.
If she's flirting, then that is good....but it doesn't necessarily mean she's ready for sex yet. When "she" starts ML to you, that will be a pretty good indication that's she's in the mood. Otherwise, you best continue to play it cool.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank all of you so much. It has been difficult for me becasue it has been going good, and I keep having to reign in my desire to jump right back into the relationship. I know she is still confused and her parents are not making it easy either. We have been discussing what to do with cars and we are going to buy her a new one in August and one for me right after that. We discussed the remodeling of the house and possibly refinancing in both of our names. All good things, and I want more. trying like hell not to push. That is why your advice is helping me so much. Thank you guys so much. I may owe my marriage to you guys if this all works out.
I am just so frustrated becasue I finally am at a point where I have figured my crap out and can contribute in a very healthy way and now she is confused and not knowing what she wants. I try to understand but I think that if someone would have just told me what I needed to do I would have done it. But then I think about it and know that it would never have worked that way. I just wish that she would hit that trigger like I did. I just still have the "fix it" mentality and I am still working on my patience. I have not done any of these things, just talk about them on here. My fear is that if she does not get physical here that she may look for it elsewhere. But maybe she does not want that at all with her diabetes still high. But her staying u till 2 or 3 in the morning and just weird hours worries me also. Sandi, OTM, Coach...is she using that time to think things out? Like I said, I know that at least once she was looking at porn until wee hours. I just do not know what to do with that behavior. She has limited her Facebook and texting lately and that is a good sign too. I think I am rambling now. Any ideas guys. Your advice is PRICELESS and SOOOO apreciated!!!!! Thank you all SOOO Much.
