2 years later it's still not getting easier

[Augtan]

I totally understand your anger about the in-laws. My ex's parents are dead, but his very distant family was all for him divorcing me even though my ex was the one who cheated and everything. Also, his old time friends from his hometown who I thought had enough sense to tell him what a mistake a divorce is, didn't say a word or try to talk him into staying with me. Now, he has all these divorced or single friends who are just like him and support his lifestyle completely and even supported him when he was having an affair. And, then there are those that say to just "move on", that we are both better off just getting over it all!! Those people make me the most crazy, cause they have never been seperated, or divorced and think if it happened to them they could just dump the guy or girl and be just fine in minutes!! They say if someone ever cheated on them they would be gone and not look back, they have no clue!! Cheating or no cheating divorce is beyond anything anyone can describe, it is beyond painful to the one who never wanted it.

I am having a very hard time today. I want to IM my ex and just ask what he is thinking, if he feels nothing even after all that went on when he was up here. I want to know how he can just go back down there as if nothing happened between us at all. As if he couldn't see how much his kids need and love him. I want to know how he just goes on with his life the way it is without regard to who he is hurting and all he is missing each and every day. What if something were to happen to one of our kids, would he feel he spent every minute he could with them and not regret any of the choices he made? I know I can't and won't ask him any of this, cause doing so changes nothing at all. It is a waste of time and feeling so sad is a waste of time for me. I know I shouldn't sleep with him when he is here, I have to stop that, but it is so hard when I want him to love me, miss me and think of me when he isn't here. And, like an idiot, I think that if I do that with him he will think about it when we are apart, but I think it is just sex to him. I continue to fool myself and that is just wrong.

I see all these people who get divorced and are moving on so easily, dating within months, etc. I think those people both felt their marriages were not good and wanted to divorce though. Our marrige was good, he just went into a full-blown MLC and can't get out of it. I read and read about it, but at times like this it does me no good to be logical about it all, I want my H back, my real H, the one I married and had my babies with!! I want him so bad to come running back and telling me that all will be okay again and we can be a family. I pray and pray for God to bring his heart home to us, for him to realize how no one could ever love him or know him like I do, how no other woman will be the mother of his kids and make his family whole. I beg God to make him see what matters in life and make those things my ex's top priority. I even talk to the people who have died that I think are my ex's Angel's (his Mom and Dad & his nephew who died at 16) and ask then to guide him home to us.

Sorry, just so sad today, so I am venting here and not to anyone else who doesn't really "get it"!! Thanks!!

A