still separated, headed for D?

[courageous wife]

You go girl!!!! Doing good! I love it!

[newmama]

Thanks CW- was thinking about something.

A few years back, I interviewed for a teaching job. The principal was distracted through out the whole interview, asked me a few questions, then told me I was hired if I wanted the job and started walking me to my classroom. IMMEDIATELY I thought "what??? Why was she so eager? What is WRONG with this job?" and it made me not want it as much.

So I still think I have a shot with WH because before, maybe it was so obvious that I wanted him back and was too eager, and it made my attractiveness go way down for him.

(ALTHOUGH I had the opportunity to show him that I improved in areas he complained about and I was able to show a lot of strengths that I wouldn't have been able to if I did NC earlier!)

Which leads me to another thought (which reminded me of the experience during the job interview). I was watching Mad Men at my friend's house. Draper is making his sales pitch to the CEO of a cosmetics company. The CEO starts criticizing his idea and suddenly Draper starts saying it's time for you to leave then. We are done" and goes on to say how the CEO HIRED his firm because they believed in their ideas and skills since their previous strategies failed. But if the CEO was not smart enough to use his ideas then clearly he can't help him. The CEO quickly backtracks and ends up loving the idea and wanting to use it.

My point is that Draper was rejecting the CEO before the CEO could reject him! And it caused the CEO to suddenly find his advertising idea to be good and he wanted to use it.

Getting something too easily makes it lose it's appeal.

Having something taken away raises it's appeal. ( I have to confess that when I realized that I was losing WH I desired him more than ever! That was before I realized he was having an A. Even after learning that, I still clung to the hope he would stay)

but the CEO could have been the WAS- he married the LBS because he believed in her. The LBS wants to help the WAS and they waffle...so the LBS says if you aren't smart enough to see that you married me because you valued what I have to offer then I don't need you. The WAS goes wait a minute....I don't want to lose you!

I know this is what we are told all the time by the vets but I had to believe I was valuable enough to WH for him to not want to throw me away...after making improvements, my self esteem raised and now I feel "expensive!" lol!

[gatsby11]

I know this is what we are told all the time by the vets but I had to believe I was valuable enough to WH for him to not want to throw me away...after making improvements, my self esteem raised and now I feel "expensive!" lol!

Rock on!!

[elvencat]

after making improvements, my self esteem raised and now I feel "expensive!" lol!

I know exactly what you mean! I'm working on it. I think we should all feel like the real diamonds on the shelf next to the cubic zirconia.

[newmama]

OK so last night WH came to get S. I was dressed up to go out but actually ended up making myself a couple of cocktails and talking to my friend from Missouri for a couple of hours! Very fun and insightful, too!

Well WH did a good job of staying at the door. He did knock, and I said 'coming!" but he unlocked the door to come in. Maybe he thought I said "come in?" Unfortunately he was wearing a shirt that I got him awhile back and he looked so handsome. But I kept a poker face. He just picked up S, I had S in his pj's and his overnight bag ready to go. He asked when I wanted him back on Saturday.I asked him what did he want. He asked me "did you already tell me a time and I forgot?" I said no- what are you thinking? So he said 2. ANyway that was the most conversation! I did think it was funny that he was asking me what I wanted- haha!

[newmama]

So I was talking to my friend and she was telling me about her addictive relationship back in highschool. She said that it exhausted her to be in it, literally, but that they would break up off and on and he always "pulled" her back.

She said that she didn't think about the long term future with them, only that she didn't want to end the relationship. He had a very hard and sad homelife and she felt bad for him. She would buy him lunch every day, do his homework...it was completely messed up!!

One time when she wanted to break up with him, she was driving with him in the car. He reached his foot over and put it on the gas and said that he just wanted to die and would throw himself over the cliff and she would go too. Well even that didn't make her end the relationship!

They talked about marriage and she went along with it to avoid an argument. SHe said she was only thinking present term and that she loved him and was happy but at the same time in the pit of her stomach she knew he wasn't good for her. But she didn't know when she would end the relationship, or if she could or if she wanted to.

She eventually grew so stressed from the drama, his mood swings, his problems, defending him to her parents and family, being isolated from everyone, wearing a happy face to prove to everyone she was fine and that she wasn't making a mistake. Her coach finally told her that she did what she could to give him "wings" but there comes a time when you must set the person free so they could fly. She said that she was getting ready to graduate and that the timing all seemed right...finally she was thinking that she really had to end the relationship for HER, that she didn't worry about how it would affect him. The coach's words, the timing, and the exhaustion all lined up.

I asked if he attempted to contact her again and she said YES several times...he showed up at her dorm room, he wrote her letters, he showed up at various places. What is ironic is that today he is happily married and has been for 10 years and they have 3 kids!


OK so I am reporting this because I believe that affairs are addictive relationships and that is what WH has with OW.


I told my friend that it seemed like she had a crossroads when it was time for her to graduate...that there was an event that might have propelled her to end the relationship.

She said she thinks that was part of it, but her college was very close to where he lived so she could have continued it. She thinks it was just time.

She suggested that even with WH, the lapse of time could be what is necessary for him to see OW's true colors and to grow tired of her.

I asked her if she thought that cutting him off from me and our house and making him play the role of a divorced dad could help. She said she bets it is helping to add stress to his life and that stress can bring out nasty sides to people! OW is probably pressuring him to D, he sees me pulling away and accepting the divorce, and he sees what his future will look like if he wants to make the D a reality.

[newmama]

This morning during my meditation session (which is like a day dream with my eyes closed), I pictured WH coming to me and telling me he ended his "relationship" with her and wants me to take him back. This time, probably inspired by my conversation with my friend, I asked him how I would really know if they were over- how do I know he won't miss her and want to go back to her in a couple of days or weeks? Or that she will reach out to him (BECAUSE SHE WILL) and he will fall back into the trap? And then I launched into a discussion of strength and resistance...how one of the reasons that I fell in love with him was for his strength so I know he has it. He has shown strength in a weird way by living this other life for the last year plus. Therefore I believe he could use the same strength to invest in our marriage and never go back to her again.

Wow, these meditations are really serving dual purposes. The first is that it helps me to picture reconciliation and to think positively. The second is that the meditation seems to tap into my subsconscious and help me to think of possible variables that may come up in this whole rocky road to reconciliation.

Again I think the last few weeks have helped me to grieve and accept that divorce may still happen and I will face it with strength if it does. I feel free and give myself permission to still have hope!

[Piano]

I know this is what we are told all the time by the vets but I had to believe I was valuable enough to WH for him to not want to throw me away...after making improvements, my self esteem raised and now I feel "expensive!" lol!

Rock on!!

Ditto! I love what you've written here. It's one of the best analogies about what happens when the LBS does the walking away. Suddenly it rocks the WH's world because we let them know WE KNOW we are worth more. Love it! And not just cos I am biased as I love Mad Men and think this was a fine episode!

[Piano]

I feel free and give myself permission to still have hope!

Good on you.

These meditations..are they about thinking positive to draw the positive energy to you?

I respect you having a crack at this sorta thing if you think it's helping alongside your 180s and GALing....

Thanks also for sharing your friend's story... interesting how you adapated it to the dymanics of your WH and the OW. I do reckon if you make their life more uncomfortbale because of making things less cosy and convenient for WH, it will help your sitch enormously.

[WhatNow]

OK so I am reporting this because I believe that affairs are addictive relationships and that is what WH has with OW.

I know this to be true. Some are addicted to the quickie experience and some to one person. I believe it is the drama that fires the dopamine overload. Eventually, a tolerance to the high dopamine levels develops, clearing their vision, seeing through the drama to reality. We'd be gazillionaires if we knew what event could trigger the clarity at the same time the tolerance level is reached. I know my H's OW has been creating drama where none exists....(a sign she senses dopamine tolerance?)....it is catching up w/ her tho,(soon i hope).

Your H may be at that point too. Especially if she is pushing for D. (she senses a dopamine tolerance??? D is mega drama causing!!!) He probably liked things the way they were! Time is on our side. Your friend hit a homerun there!

These addictions, (Penny Tupy @ symc. com) wear off in 6mos to 3 years. Drama (secrets, lies, conflict, insecurity, etc) all feed the addiction, and can extend the life of the affair.


Have you read any of Daniel Amen's work? He started researching ADD years ago. He analyzes brain scans and studies the activity of parts of the brain to diagnose and treat ADD. Now he has branched out and studies anxiety, depression, weight loss, and more recently, addiction & infidelity. I saw him recently on Dr. Phil talking about it, but no book on it yet I don't think.