WAH and LBW separated and dark

[AJM]

this is why i am hesitant to "do the work".
i don't know if this is fog.
or is this the new h that is permanent and here to stay.

It's normal to doubt that. Know what though? You can't know if this is "him" or if this it the alien talking. To find out, you have to wait and see. Sounds bad where you are right now, but I assure you the time passes pretty quickly when you start shifting the focus from him to you. And since he won't shift the focus from him to you, you have to do it. For you.

Fair? Of course it's not fair. Painful? Of course it's painful. Keep in mind you are saying "later" to so many different dreams and desires and comforts and shared memories. Make a list of those things you are saying "later" to. One at a time, say "later" and mean it.

Don't try to eat this elephant all at once - they are best eaten in pieces.

Don't be surprised when he tries to hurt you. There is nobody on this planet that can hurt you like he can. Nobody. Understand that he will try to convince himself that what he is doing is the right thing to do. He will want the pain to stop for himself as well. Then he will figure that you're to blame and will unleash his anger and hurt on you. It will hurt. If you let it.

Anger - that's normal. Debilitating. You cannot change what is currently happening but you can change your perspective and realize your own self-worth. You are worth a lot. A tremendous amount. Do you deserve this treatment? No. But has that ever stopped things from happening before? Life is not fair.

There. Now that is out in the open. Understand that you will be happy again. Re-read that sentence. It's true. No question about it. It doesn't feel like it right now, in part because you are not done with the shock. Time to see that. Go through it and start to work yourself through. Note that as you do, people that care about you will see you suffering and want to stop it for you. I can tell you that your H will not remember much of this the same way you will. Really. It's bizarre, but it's true.

What I'm trying to say is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's not an oncoming train. I recall many times telling me friends if they really wanted to help to "put two behind my ear" - one laughed and said that it was more fun to watch me suffer. He knows how this process goes.

I spent much of time trying to figure out if the venom and crap she was spewing at me had merit. Know what? Majority of it did not. The MC tried to tell me that in the beginning and I wasn't ready to hear it because it meant I had no control and no way to stop the insanity of what was happening. Is happening. But guess what? With some very concerted effort and time, I have started down the path of being ok, and dare I say, even happy at times.
It comes in stages. It requires effort. There is no explaining what they are going to do other than to say they will become highly selfish, unknown to you, and crazy mean. It feels so much like insanity that you often question your own. Detaching let's you see it from a different perspective.

As to whether or not you want him back? Deal with that later when you have something to give to others without "requiring" something back. Right now you need to save your energy for you and only you. Like putting on an oxygen mask in an airplane, it's for you first and then others around you that may need help.

If you need to cry, cry. If you need to yell, yell at the pillow, if you need to workout, workout. If you need to sleep, sleep. If you don't, then do it anyway. The sleepless nights are part of it. So relax knowing you are normal. If you can't get out of the cycle of anxiety, consider the doctor a number one priority (as mentioned). It's not healthy to let your body go through the torture you are putting on yourself.

Anger is not a bad thing if you don't stay there. Shock is not a bad thing if you don't stay there. You are reaching out and you know that you can't stay there. List those things out that you are saying "later" to. Even if you don't feel like it. Go see friends and go out, even if you don't feel like it. Try to set some time aside to NOT grieve for now. During that time, even if only 30 minutes, work on things that are positive for you. In fact, list the positive things for you. I think you'll want to go back to that list in a few months and see how far you've come. It'll help.

Finally - take deep breaths. Often. What you feel is perfectly normal and we have all done the same. Some for longer than others. It has a new set of emotions that will follow. Your roller coaster is going to be interesting for a while. Take the ride. Get your money's worth and you may be surprised at what you find. In a good way

AJ