Could it be?

[HeartsBlessing]

HB-Thank you for being so supportive...I hope I didn't let you down. I know I have always had a choice, I was never really ready to end it before now. It was time to make a choice and obviously he wasn't ready to make one. I just couldn't take one more night of excuses or blaming someone else. I deserve someone who looks forward to being with me and is willing to make an effort more often than whenever he feels like it. I deserve someone who make me feel special, not uncomfortable that I might say or do the wrong thing. I deserve someone wants to make me happy. And someday, I want to find someone who deserves all these things in return. At this point, I don't care if my H ever feels the loss. This isn't about him anymore...maybe it is time for my MLC.

The way I see it is this: We each choose what is best for us at whatever time we choose it, and it has nothing to do with letting someone down..no one lives our lives but US.

You still have support from me, regardless of what you do; I cannot judge that you did right or wrong, as there are no right or wrong answers in this.

With that said, I have walked in your shoes; not the same exact type of situation(as NO ONE's situation is ever the same), but watched the SAME types of things happen with my husband at one time.

The selfishness, the same coming and going without telling me where he was most of the time, telling me one thing, doing another.
It looked, at one point, like what he'd said about recommitting to our marriage, had been just words...but he wasn't finished, and wouldn't be until HE decided he was.

I kept remembering that I could not control him, I could only change myself and my reactions.
If things went too far, I said something about it, we had some fights about more than a few things.

I'd known, when he recommitted to the marriage, the time of walking on eggshells was done as he navigated through Acceptance.

Some things I stayed quiet about, yet, on others I made a stand, setting boundaries about behavior, and watched him back down..these were the times when I led him gently but firmly through, when I was supposed to..and only I knew when it was time.
Most of time, though, I just let go, let God, and went on with my life...more or less leaving him behind...he caught up with me, but it still took TIME.

I swallowed a GREAT DEAL OF CRAP, that was contained within a HUGE spoon, often wondering when my husband was going to grow up.
Even though he recommitted to our marriage when he broke Withdrawal, this was STILL all about him he STILL acted out, I was SO angry at times, this was SO hard on me.

I nearly gave it all up at one point..but I found the strength to hold on, because I could NOT answer ALL the "what if" questions....and because, deep within my heart, I LOVED him.

I knew the strength I somehow continued to have, was coming from within a deep well; having been gained from so many things I've seen in my life. I also came to understand this continuing was all a part of the crisis...and sometime, if I never gave up hope; it would end.

Yes, that's me, the eternal optimist.

It had started toward that end when he exited the tunnel in 2002, three years after his crisis started.

All the major decisions had been made, the battles had been faced and won; and he was still in the process of becoming the man he was supposed to be.

Then, it felt like the proverbial rug got jerked from under me.

In late 2004, as he was still processing, all of a sudden, I observed him sliding backwards, personality changes reversed themselves, and a 7 year old child I've written about surfaced.

By that time, I was so far into the Change of life/Menopause/Transition,(I started through in late 2002, finished in 2008), I missed it all in the beginning...it wasn't until I came out of the change SIX years later that I began to see more clearly that something was seriously wrong.

Our lifestyle is a unique one, we are both truck drivers, and are separated for long periods of time...that may have been key in this, as well, but I could not say for sure.

He didn't start to "straighten out" until he broke his ankle back in February....As of now, it seems he has picked up where he left off in late 2004, and the process seems to be accelerating as each day passes...he is in the process of becoming the man he was supposed to become all that time ago.

The signs are becoming VERY clear; he is focused on me in a way I haven't seen in years, wants to be sure I have all I need, is speaking differently with me, making me feel special; this is NOT the man I knew before the crisis, NOR is it the man I've known in the last six years....it floored me when it first began; as it's come rather unexpectedly.

I'm still adjusting to these positive changes as I continue to write at this time.

There has been some things he's said that hasn't made much sense, but my intuition tells me to let these things go, as it's part of this processing, and in time, he will come to me again to talk of what's happened...and I will document that on my thread when it does.

I'd been waiting a very long time for this to come about..and didn't know if it would EVER happen.

Hope and expectations are two totally different stories, I kept my hope, while my expectations have been nonexistent.

There were SO many times in this, that I came close to calling it quits, asking him to leave..but each time something would happen to cause things to go forward in a positive way, and I'd decide to hang on a little longer.

I often felt like a donkey with a carrot on a stick, following the elusive carrot that I could never seem to get to.

I've often wondered if people saw my coming back as a "failure"..but I see now that it wasn't.

Life is what it is, and we deal however we need to deal with it.

Everything happens for a reason...I've always believed that, will always hold that same belief.

It has been a little over 11 years since he started through his MLC in 1999.

In that time, I let go, lived my life, didn't put it on hold...the door stayed open, but I never really watched it.

I couldn't, as I had NO control over this, still don't and never will...and I had to ACCEPT that, or walk.

Time didn't stand still for me...I knew he'd either come on, or walk away...I had decided that I'd see where this went, keep my faith, and let the Lord have it all...and that was hard to do.

I also, during my transition, faced the SAME decision about whether I wanted to stay married or walk away.

I chose to stay within the marriage, not because of weakness, but because I knew I still loved him, and would still be there for him....he had chosen to stay with me, and I remembered that, while so deep within the tunnel myself.

I honestly KNOW I didn't cause this, nor did I really have anything to learn from the developments afterward; I DID, however have the opportunity to exercise what I had learned in the way of the changes I had made, and from the journey I had taken within myself.

The point being, it takes a LONG time to get out of this crisis, and even then, the result may NOT be what the LBS wants...the change really DOES do what it says....CHANGE the one going through for the rest of their lives.

You might like what comes out, and you may not...each person is different in their assessments of what is acceptable.

I have also found, as time has marched right on, that the majority of the lessons I have continued to learn have been learned WITHIN my marriage, but I still know I could have survived IF the marriage had NOT made it through.

One last thing I came to understand; if I'd run/walked away, what I had NOT learned, WOULD have been recycled with another, IF there'd be another.
I'd determined that IF I chose to walk, there would NOT be another...yet, somehow, I feel I would STILL have been presented another opportunity to learn what I'd missed IF I'd missed anything.

It was worth EVERYTHING I endured/went through to get to the place I'm in now..and I see that more clearly now than ever.

Yet, the learning won't stop; it will continue until the day I leave this world.

This is where I have come to in present day, and I don't have a regret in the world about the decisions I made.

I do not tell the above to make you feel guilty, not at all. I'm telling this to illustrate that I do understand where you are coming from...yet, I did not choose to walk away; and that was MY choice.

I completely understand the decision you've made, and why you made it, having been there myself.

Reading what you've written further confirmed something I wrote/said back in 2002 and in present day.

There IS a possibility of a time when the LBS has had enough, and the damage is TOO much, there's no going back, and they can/will move toward a place where they no longer want the MLC'er.
In that process, IF the MLC'er "wakes" up and tries to come back and cannot, because of the LBS moving on, no longer wanting them, he/she will go through the SAME thing they've put the LBS through...we can only hope if that happens, the lessons will finally be learned by the MLC'er.

I'm closing with a piece of advice:

Always remember that when you take action to close a door, make SURE you can live with the consequences of that action.

Once you commit to a course of action, you cannot go back on it, if you change your mind, UNLESS the person you've closed the door on is willing to come back to try again.


Again, as I have written over and over throughout, each person is different, each crisis is different...each individual KNOWS what he/she can and cannot tolerate.

The strengths and weaknesses in each are different..what works for one, may NOT work for another.

I wish you all the best in the future; may God continue to light your path and bless you with everything you could ever wish and hope for.

You're going to be fine, no matter what happens.

Much love,
HB