2 weeks left to DB

[JacT]

Piano good to see you are still in control and very structured in your thoughts..still think the birth might throw him but remember child birth doees many things and structure sometimes goes out the window so be prepared you have to go with the flow when it all kicks off..Geomum..duh..my brain is much.((hugs)) to you and your little girl..

[Piano]

thanks jact ... am feeling stronger than ever before..i think drawing boundaries after feeling I'd tried all else in the lead up to Birth Day, has enabled me to detach from him a bit and look forward to the next phase of life - caring for this little being I'm soon to meet!

He wants to come in and meet her straight after the birth ( I figure a couple of hours will do? never having had a baby, I can't imagine delivering her and then letting him straight in!)..I'll do what is practical for me and the baby. I wonder if he thinks he is going to have an 'epiphany' and want to suddenly hang around and be a parent?

Hugs back to you.

[Piano]

Thanks G for the contract advice. A great help! Don't be sorry about your financial know-how. It's a great skill & one I have to really improve on!
Ok, so I think it's more simple that I was imagining and agree it's smart, not conclusive of anything. That will come later when I officially take on separated status before the State.

What I want for the birth? I would have been happy at this stage to have him there because I feel detached and strong. But that's not his wish. So I am running with what has been planned all along - present will be me, mum and my midwife. I am not disappointed with this lineup anymore. They truly, literally are my support team. Then I'd be happy for him to be out in the waiting room (alone) and invite him in when I am ready. That could be hours later! Too bad for him!

[newmama]

I think it's important to remember that the contract does NOT mean you guys are over. It means that you are being smart without divorce. That's my opinion, anyway.

Yes! This is what WH and I did over a year ago...originally we were planning on D but the informal contract has helped time and time again without D in place!

And I also agree that saving some of this stuff for face to face AFTER the birth would be great...even for me, it became a major wake up call and reality when S was in this world and out of the womb! It definitely made WH realize his idea of seeing him 2-3 times a week for a couple hours each was not enough! But now I would have used that to help him see what he is missing. I know it sounds like I would be "using" S and that is exactly why I couldn't do it back then(one of the reasons at least). Someone tried to explain that it was a short term sacrifice for a possible long term success but I just couldn't limit WH's time with S!

[Piano]

But now I would have used that to help him see what he is missing
can u go into this more, nm?
is this something i can do/activate now or is this post birth?
sorry to be thick...

[Piano]

ok, sorry think i get it... wait till he meets her, then impose boundaries?

and you would recommend now not talking about parenting at all. wait till they meet?

as for keeping the child's interests at heart: my child/parent psych said my H will be invisible to the child and she will not care when she is grown up if he is there at the birth or in first 3 months at least (this is what the research shows). this is something you found too. stuff becomes important for kids later...miles stones much later in life...

[newmama]

Sorry for not explaining myself a little more clearly but I meant that I should have stuck to the parenting plan based on the legal recommendations laid out by the county where we would divorce. The recommendation was that the maximum time of the father to visit a newborn was something like 2 days per week for 2 hours. I might be off by a day or an hour. But this time increased as the baby grows older. I also think the court assumed the father might take the baby out of the home.

Now since WH was seeing S in our house, and I was there, I let him visit for longer periods and more frequently.

I could have been strict and stuck to the legal recommendations. Possibly, WH could have seen that he wouldn't get to see S as often and it could have tore him up. He could have realized that he was giving up more than just our marriage by being with OW.

And now that I know (as you just heard from the psych) that no serious damage to bonding would occur if WH didn't see S very often during the first few months- or YEAR- of his life, I would have should have etc etc done it differently!!!

Now this is all speculation of course! Is this a little better of an explanation?

[newmama]

I don't think it would hurt to talk about parenting but since you are sooo close to giving birth, it might make more of an impact to wait until your H holds your D and sees her in the flesh...after about 3 days post birth of seeing S, my WH said he couldn't bear to not be with S every day.

[Piano]

thanks nm, that's all clear now and thanks for going over things you've written before...i am feeling a little zonked and so it's good to be hand-fed advice today!
in my country, the visitation hrs are similar..a couple of times a week, for an hr or two.
given my WH has transportation issues, and i will be in the burbs with my mum, i can't see him making it very often to see her.
this might be useful for the first month anyway, as i suppose i'll be in my PJ's most of the time being fairly occupied with sleeping, eating, feeding & probably wont care how much i see him. I hope to move back to my apartment by about week 4/5.
i keep thinking about how you did it alone...apart from those few weeks he moved in with you. i am in awe & i haven't even had a bub yet so what would i know!!
okay, so about my email. I am going to just reply about names and visiting after birth and leave the rest (parenting plans and finances till later).
some news: due date is today!
+ MIL confirmed she has bought a plane ticket to come here for July/August. Makes me think H will stay here till then. And SURELY he won't bring OW here while MIL AND BIL are here???

[Piano]

nm, i totally understand that post the birth, you found it really hard to limit your H's contact with your son. I mean, it was so close to him having separated from you, you would have been SO vulnerable, and naturally very needy. My WH left me 5 months ago, and I know that if he gets super attached to D and I see that, that limiting his time with her will be a great challenge!