Did I mention that he's a local celebrity? We don't have many mutual friends. What few we do, we rarely see. If I expose his affair to his work people, he could loose his job. It's happened before. You hear of news anchors being fired for affairs because it damages the station's reputation.
There's also the factor of the woman before me. he was heavily involved with a woman before me and intended on marrying her. She was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. They chose mutually to end their romantic relationship. Then he met me, fell in love with me, got a job out of state and then proposed. She hadn't died yet. She died shortly after our engagement. He's telling me now that he feels like he's cheating on her when he's intimate with me so that is why he wasn't interested in having sex with me. But he still had manly needs so he found the OW with whom he didn't feel like he was cheating on the dead one. Weird, cause he's cheating on me.
OK, this has gotta be said: exactly what kind of character of man did you think you were getting, who would abandon his girlfriend while she was DYING???
I'm sorry, Bren, but "buyer beware" applies here. I have a hard time generating any sympathy for you here.
Bren, that sounds like addictive rationalizing to me... I say he's just making excuses to justify his infidelity.
Think this through
a. He abandons a woman with a fatal illness for another woman b. He claims to now feel as if he's betraying a deceased woman when he has sex with you c. For some mysterious reason though, him abandoning YOU does not produce any guilty conscience in him at all?
How is it he can logically feel guilt for betraying a woman who isn't even experiencing abandonment now, but he doens't feel guilt while he knows he's hurting you?
Wayward spouses having affairs Bren make up a million and one excuses for JUSTIFYING their affairs.. both to ease their own guilt, and in the hopes you will back off and let them continue their abusive affair.
There is a huge list, I won't reprint it here, trust me we have heard them all... This is a variant of the same senseless excuses we normally hear during affairs.
MWD makes it quite clear you do NOT listen to what they are telling you when they are wayward... in my opinion this goes DOUBLE when they are cheating.
Further, infidelity is an ADDICTION... addicts will tell you anything to keep up their destructive habit.
He's trying to convince himself AND you that what he's doing is OK because of your past history... He has the twisted idea in his head that what he's doing is OK, because he's not betraying anyone when he's with OW... You agree with that Bren?
If he is sincerely remorseful and has expressed willingness to end this, but keeps going back then maybe threatening to expose this publically might be more effecitve.
I do NOT often do that because what this usually results in is the WS going to everyone FIRST and exposing the LBS as mentally unstable or some such... Basically a smear campaign to invalidate the testimony of the LBS.
I would have to think on that, If you informed him that if you catch him cheating again you will let the network know what he's doing how would he react? Would he start exposing YOU as unstable to everyone first or something like that?
You basically need to find some leverage. If he falls off the wagon you crack down, HARD... Show him what happens when he betrays you... NOT to hurt him, but to IMPRESS UPON him that you will NOT TOLERATE DISRESPECT, that CONSEQUENCES happen when he cheats.
This is basic conditioning here. The more he cheats and you don't bring down consequences on him, the more FREE and OPEN he will feel he can be.
Each time he cheats and gets caught...and NOTHING consequential comes of it, he will feel MORE CONFIDENT that he can continue... He will cheat more, and be more excited about the idea... He will feel you are supporting his cheating by NOT interfering.
And verbal chastizement, tears, etc will NOT count for zero. He is convincing himself that what he's doing is legitimate.. At least MORE legitimate than being with you is.
It's all rationalizing the truth - he's addicted to this fantasy and won't wake up.
He needs YOU to WAKE him up with some COLD HARD REALITY
I suppose he's wondering that about himself too. Probably why he had so much trouble being intimate with me. Sorry puppy, but i don't believe a person should be judged by their mistakes. I promise not to ask for your sympathy.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
OK, this has gotta be said: exactly what kind of character of man did you think you were getting, who would abandon his girlfriend while she was DYING???
I'm sorry, Bren, but "buyer beware" applies here. I have a hard time generating any sympathy for you here.
Puppy
I had the impression Puppy that the first relationship was a mutual split... with Bren not involved at all in that ending...
We would have to ask Bren for clarification...
Anyhow, yes buyer beware always... But, he's being awfully selfish either way...
Either way Bren, this guy's terribly exploitative of you and others it sounds like...
Q : how much HARD EVIDENCE of this affair do you have at your disposal? Anything concrete or just his say so? He will deny it if you have nothing to prove it.
I suppose he's wondering that about himself too. Probably why he had so much trouble being intimate with me. Sorry puppy, but i don't believe a person should be judged by their mistakes. I promise not to ask for your sympathy.
I take it you know better now right Bren?
I agree with you Bren, I like to give a second chance if a person shows growth and remorse...
So, it's been over a month since I've last written on my threat. A lot has happened. The day of my last post, my H left his cell phone laying around and I snooped his text messages. The OW texted "Going to bed, goodnight babe" and my H responded "Wish I was in bed with you." It wasn't anything big. He's done far worse since I discovered the affair, but I've given up being the only one fighting for us. I talked to my DB coach and then asked my H for a divorce. Instead of ending his affair, he was very cooperative in filling out the D paperwork. We didn't involve lawyers and we submitted the paperwork last week together. The house goes on the market tomorrow. He's much more willing to divorce me than to stop cheating on me. He says that all he wants is for me to be happy and he doesn't make me happy anymore. We talked again last night and I said again that all he needed to do to get me to stay is to end his relationship with the OW and I'd stay and we could work out our problems. He says that it isn't that simple and he doesn't believe that the OW is the problem. We had problems before the OW so getting rid of her now won't do any good. I can't make him understand me and I can't seem to understand where he's coming from either. I think I'm dealing with a narcissist. Thats my update.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
So, it's been over a month since I've last written on my threat. A lot has happened. The day of my last post, my H left his cell phone laying around and I snooped his text messages. The OW texted "Going to bed, goodnight babe" and my H responded "Wish I was in bed with you." It wasn't anything big. He's done far worse since I discovered the affair, but I've given up being the only one fighting for us. I talked to my DB coach and then asked my H for a divorce. Instead of ending his affair, he was very cooperative in filling out the D paperwork. We didn't involve lawyers and we submitted the paperwork last week together. The house goes on the market tomorrow. He's much more willing to divorce me than to stop cheating on me. He says that all he wants is for me to be happy and he doesn't make me happy anymore. We talked again last night and I said again that all he needed to do to get me to stay is to end his relationship with the OW and I'd stay and we could work out our problems. He says that it isn't that simple and he doesn't believe that the OW is the problem. We had problems before the OW so getting rid of her now won't do any good. I can't make him understand me and I can't seem to understand where he's coming from either. I think I'm dealing with a narcissist. Thats my update.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
