I am religious. After 2 weeks of nc I prayed about what to do. I was in no uncertain terms impressed to go try it again, which I did the last few days. And I did get an answer.
I failed to mention that the first night she asked me over, to go to bed with her, yet everything was off limits. I know that one of her biggies is that she feels I think that she's only good for one thing. Very untrue, but to help make the point I simply covered her up, gave her a kiss and left. I left her a message that I knew she was tired, and it was perfectly ok.
Then the next day the call to come over. We went to dinner, went shopping where she picked out some lingerie (her idea) of which I paid for. Now I'm not trying to be titillating here, but...the one piece was a knockout! We get in bed, she straddles me and the muffin is put in my face-for 3 hours.
Of course today the call came. First-she was sorry I got stuck paying for all the items to which I replied I was the beneficiary, so no prob.
Then-THE call. Apparantly this was some kind of test of which I failed miserably. Even though it was ALL about her, I should have known better and she now knew it truly was over. I told her I was not going to be beating myself up over doing something she wanted, and was no longer going to second guess what she was thinking, and let's get it done asap and as friendly as we can.
Yes, part of me is bummed that I could not save the M. The other part is relieved we now know where we are headed. This has been my life for 17 years. Following her lead, and then being blamed for doing something she just hates. I am through with doing that. And as civilized as our conversation was, I let her know the teddy's are mine, and I'd like them back.
So there we are. Sad on one hand, with more to come I am sure. Relieved on the other that I know now I no longer have to go through that, of which I told her there would be no more of that, or helping her or paying her bills. Nice but firm.
Divorce sucks in so many ways, but sometimes maybe it's just a necessity for 2 people to move on and find some peace and happiness.
The depression has not hit yet. Hopefully it will come and go rather quickly and I can keep moving forward. Holy Cow and Halleluyah all at the same time.
