I still see so much focus on your wife, yet small steps on yourself. I know....there is a lot on your plate. I understand that, but I still don't think we have found the true DBS. You have been going through the process for a long time....a real long time. There are a lot of positives that I see, though I am still looking for the true identity of DBS to shine.
I was watching United States of Tara and a good point was brought up. Sometimes people become so attuned to helping their spouse in situation similar to yours, that they loss sight of themselves. In the end they live to help their spouse and that is how their life is defined. I want to see DBS totally released from that situation. Living for DBS alone! You are knocking on that door and it is time to open it. Stop worrying about time lines, crazy stalkers, and even the divorce. Focus on you completely. Once that happens the other stuffs disappears and I think you will see the situation change drastically and your perception of it all will change even more.
So what would Dbs look like without the desire to help his wife?
Disclaimer-Support and help are two different things. Remember that you can support your wife as she goes through her process, but you can't help.
I'm down in Phx supporting my Dad at the hospital with a surgery for cancer in his kidneys that has really taken a toll on him.
W called and asked me to come over and give her a hand. It ended up a little more then that, if you know what I mean.
She's got the mediation rescheduled, and at this point I'm just wanting to get it all done.
She called today to beat the bush about the events of last night. Of course it was...well funner then sleeping alone. Alot funner!!! I feel no guilt over it, and at this point if that's going to be the pattern, I may be just fine and then when the D is done, move on as quickly as possible.
I don't get the filing for a D, and yet her wanting regular contact, even being mad if there is not, and yet moving it along. And now I am at the point that I'll support (sleep with her?), take her calls but not give any myself, and do my part to see the D happens asap, while being friendly, ok more then that, but having no trust that it would not just unravel in a minute, so not really concerned if the D happens.
The real DBS sees several women ready to be friends w/o beating on him and he likes it. I guess if I saw my wife do a 180 (and I don't mean she has to do all the changing)but dealing more positive with life, less griping, accept that she initiates oral sex, and enjoys, or at least get some counseling for that (which to my surprise she mentioned the other day she needs to do, and so far she has not beat me up about what she wanted last night) I might be back in.
The real DBS is NO longer taking the blame for something she clearly wants and needs. She's either in or out and I'm ok either way. Truth be told...I'm ready to be cut loose and see how it goes and let her see. I'm not sure she'll ever change without the harsh reality of a D.
Ok-I think I may just start a new thread along these lines. I'm curious how many others have seen the DB take them to where they are ready to move on. After all, if it's healthier, that's the point-right?
I like where you are at DBS. You are moving forward for you and letting her deal with those issues that she needs to. She bounces so much.....it is frustrating to watch from here. I do agree though, she will continue the bounce until she deals with her issues which are not yours.
