OK, spite is an emotion, an intention. If you expose an affair, and he's so humiliated he has no choice but to come back and work on his marriage to save public image... is that spite at work there at all?
Exposure is an act some of us on here reccomend in order to do DAMAGE to the infidelity.
Infidelity survives on three things much like a flame does :
1. Sex 2. Emotion/Connectivity 3. Secrets
When you expose an affair, you take the secrets away and trade them for :
1. Sex 2. Emotion/Connectivity 3. Shame
This throws a wrench into things...
Your exposure furthermore often causes conflict between the cheating spouses. They can't deal maturely with their public embarassment, and they end up taking it out on each other...
So you end up with
1. Sex 2. Conflict 3. Shame
I dunno about you, but most women at least, and even most men dont' feel all that excited or sexy when they are angry and fighting because they have been publically humilated.
The sex will die after that.
This is the THEORY.
The effectiveness of the exposure has a HUGE impact on how well these ingredients take damage. If you expose well then you can bet your retirement fund those two are fighting with each other... You are out of the picture since you are in LRT so they have no choice but to attack one another.. its very common... Have a look at OfficerInNeeds thread or Ken's... they both have been pushing exposure hard and its done a lot for their marriage in a positive sense.
It's not a guarantee, how you expose, and to whom makes a huge difference. But one thing is for certain - it WILL very often CHANGE the LANDSCAPE of the affair somehow.
It usually does damage to the affair.
MOST people cheating do NOT want the LBS exposing the affair publically.. why? Cause it will cause them inconvenience, upset, frustration, embarassment, generally things that aren't fun.
Expose well and you turn a secret, fun, romance into
a embarassing, stressful, mess
In many cases, the WS will feel compelled to END the affair to get AWAY from the mess...
As long as the affair is secret, fun, and romantic, they will be inclined to continue.
Why ENABLE that?
As long as you enable and keep the affair a secret, you are PART of the affair.
Once you expose the affair
You EXIT yoruself from it.. its like a ugly secret you were keeping that you want RID of... once you expose, you dont' have that unopleasant feeling anymore.
THIS is why we reccomend exposure... NOT out of spite or to HURT people, but for the practical benefits outlined above - EXPOSURE CHANGES the infidelity... it changes it into something stressful more often than not.. something many WS' want to get AWAY FROM.
Originally Posted By: brenalim
I don't want people to think less of him.
I suspect its more you don't want them to think less of YOU... I am not reccomending exposure to an entire city... Just friends, family, of your WS... teh OP I often reccomend exposing particularly to THEIR spouse if they are married, to family members and their co-workers if you feel it may have a deserible impact.
Think less of him? YOU realize its more complicated than that, trust that the people you expose to will also. Trust that the WAY you expose, your friends and family will ENCOURAGE him to END his affair and come HOME... IT sounds to me like you just told your freinds what he is doing, not giving them a specific direction you are asking them to take on the matter.
That's telling, not exposing.
Originally Posted By: brenalim
The few people i've told outside of my family all tell me to leave him. they are ashamed of him.
Yup, what did you ask them to do regarding HIM? Did you give them any leadership or guidance as to how you would best like them to support you on the matter?
Originally Posted By: brenalim
MWD says not to tell people. they tell me that i deserve better and should throw in the towel now. there is no hope.
Those aren't freinds according to MWD, they are sympathizing rather than supporting. MWD Divorce Busting Video makes it quite clear how destructive well-intentioned friends can be to a marraige.
Originally Posted By: brenalim
i suppose i'm not acting anymore. I asked for the divorce. i guess i could give it one more go of ignoring him. i feel like i've been doing that to a certain extent. i need an instructional video. i'm a co-dependent mess.
I use ignore in general, but its a specific image you want to convey.. EMOTIONAL DETACHMENT.
You want to show him that you are indifferent to the situation and are handling it with maturity.
Protest the infidelity Invite him to end his affair and end contact Other than that, you say NOTHING to him No contact at ALL.. SILENT TREATMENT
You dont' cook his meals, do his laundry, or help him in any way... he is on his OWN...
THAT accompanied with exposure is a VERY stressful situation for him to wrestle with... often they want OUT of that and find the safety of their publically accepted marriage inviting...
