WAW still around, DBing starting to work

[flowmom]

GW, you're definitely on the roller coaster! It sounds like she's confused at this point. IMO, continuing to not pursue in any way is super important. And the detachment that you have achieved is so helpful.

About MCs...I highly recommend doing an individual session by yourself with the MC without discussing with your W to check them out. Even that is no guarantee unfortunately.

When I went into MC I felt that H's depression was the main problem in our M. I found out after many sessions that the MC had the attitude that he had to acknowledge and seek help for depression himself and that she "didn't feel comfortable" diagnosing it, etc. Whatever! I'm sorry but it's not rocket science to figure out if someone is depressed when they're at the point where H was. Also, she shared H's mistrust as antidepressants, which I understand but I've learned the hard way that depression can be a very tough nut to crack.

It's also good to ask about how they would deal with an apparent impasse. My MC kept saying things like "we're at an impasse, how can I support you?". She wanted H to shift and he wasn't but her way of dealing with that added to the sense of hopelessness about our M problems...not solution-oriented at all.

My friend went to a MC who had a personal endorsement from MWD, but the MC turned out to be a wing nut. It can be really hard to tell. And Gardener recently posted about his horror story experience.

If I was looking for a MC I'd look for a Gottman-trained C. The Gottman stuff is at least research-based, and focuses on do-able strategies rather than digging around in childhood stuff, etc.

People's experiences with Retro seem overall very positive, but if you're on the road to piecing I like the idea of the regularity of having the "container" of MC to effectively process stuff on a weekly basis.

Good luck!!!

[Coach]

I asked her what that meant to her...she said emotionally opening up to me, letting me in, the physical aspects of things.

Let her know you understand how hard that is for her and that you will be aware of her feelings. Ask her, "how can I help you with that?" Then just listen and make sure you understand what she is saying. Repeat it back so she can hear that you understand.

how she "really really didn't like" being treated like an "acquaintance" of mine.

Don't undo this, let her pursue you. She needs to feel that she wants you.

[gutwrenching]

I tried the understand how hard this is and what can I do to help...answer was "I don't know"...which then led to I'm still not happy, don't know how to let go of all the negative stuff that has built up inside of me, don't know what to do.

She was in bad mood most of the day yesterday and then in a somber/sad mood last night.

She doesn't seem to have given up yet, she still initiated being held last night before going to sleep...don't think that is a "game"...this was the first thing to go when she tried for less than a week the one time.

But the rollercoaster continues.

[gutwrenching]

Friday, heading into weekend, no idea what things are going to be like. Lots of dynamics. I think W is still trying, but barely. I could sense/see/feel her opening up last weekend and then slowly closing back up throughout the week. The physical attention/touching piece has also steadily decreased throughout the week to where the only thing she initiates is being held at night right before we go to sleep, normally falling asleep being held.

Weekends are often better for us; but that doesn't mean this weekend will be.

On Monday, she has surgery and will have to stay in bed most of the week and she will have to allow me to take care of her for a few days.

The big debate in my mind is the approach to take this weekend. Do I try to rekindle the flame given weekends are normally better without distraction of work, or do I go distant again...not sure.

Friday night is movie night with kids, saturday night another work/social obligation...

Rollercoaster still going strong, up and down...

[Lotus]

GW,

Yes, I do recommend Retrouvaille at this point. It is best to strike while the iron is hot, so to speak. People decide to reconcile, but don't know how, and then if they muddle around for a while and don't see things improve, they can decide it is just too hard with too little reward. Even if it is not soon, start planning for it, because it is something you can look forward to.

[gutwrenching]

Update:
Not sure where we are at right now. Lots of stress this weekend with her surgery and some sudden uncertainty on where we were moving this summer, so opted not to bring up Retrouvaille.

Social event this weekend didn't go bad, but not good. Some things came out that really annoyed me but that helped me go distant again. Sunday I was pursued some during day but didnt get sucked back in...stayed distant. Sunday night, back to old WAW routines.

Monday W has surgery and I have decided to do what needs to be done, be a supporting H. Will go back to DB and focuing on what works after we get thru this. Right now, I'm just taking care of W and kids and being supportive, considerate, compassionate. W has been very appreciative...in actions and words...being much more affectionate, many thank yous, comments of not to take anything negative she says personally because she is in pain...

Only time will tell if this is a result of feeling guilty because I am doing so much or she is actually trying again.

My expectations are low. I don't expect to know if we have any progress for a while. If nothing else, when she is back on her feet, I can detach go distant and she will certainly see what she will be missing/lose...

[Lotus]

Be careful with that distant stuff...it also may be what she thinks she will get if she stays with you. I know that's how I would see it. "I don't know what I will have without him, but I sure know what I have with him, and it is not too attractive."

[gutwrenching]

Been a long time since I posted. My life has been insanely busy and my sitch continues its ups and downs and then took a major twist.

After surgery things were going well, we were trying, borderline piecing. Then I discover contact with OM again...another trac phone, in the middle of us doing better than we have since the bomb was dropped. Tell W I will not stand for the disrespect, we are either trying or we are done but there is no trying with OM. I spy and see e-mail confirming what she told me, ending it with OM and OM is pissed. Learn that EA has been on and off for a while and there are strong feelings/emotions going both ways.

Send a subtle threat to OM when I see him still trying to make contact a few days later and W crying about it...threaten his career...he explodes and W explodes at me for threatening his livelihood. Things start going downhill from here.

We are getting ready to move and stress from that is extremely high. We have no house cause we can't get out of limbo land if we are going rent one place or two. W tells me last Sat, we're done, I've made up my mind, want a D. This is the second time I've heard this, first time being in early Apr. I go distant and she starts having second thoughts (never says this but I can see it).

I also tell her that if she doesn't make a commitment to our M, then I am taking the girls on my own in our travel trailer across the country for the move, we will meet her there, she can fly or drive, doesn't matter to me. If we are done, she's not coming on the family vacation. This hits her hard. It was our planned vacation for a long time and we only bought the trailer a few weeks prior...back when we were piecing and things were looking up.

Then the major twist. This week, W comes home a wreck the one night. Crying, upset, doesn't know what to do. I take the kids and get out of house to let her deal with her issues. After kids go in bed, she comes in room and starts crying again. Then starts talking about suicidal thoughts. Short version - she tells me she is depressed, has been for a year or more, knows she is, but has been unwilling to see someone about it. Told me she has thought a lot about hurting herself. Says she has nothing at all she is looking forward too in the future and she is no longer needed by me or the girls that we now do just fine without her.

DB goes out the window at this point and I am focused on getting her professional help. I drop boundary of commitment to M and tell her that me and the kids want and need her to go with us. I cannot fathom leaving her alone, travelling across the country in her current state. My only boundary is she has to seek professional help which she has agreed too.

It is a shame because going distant was working again...but I've got to do the right thing and look out after her health. I realize this could send M down the drain in the long run, but can hold my head high if that is the outcome. I still care about her, I still love her, and my kids need their mother to get better.

[sandi2]

I was just thinking about you a couple of days ago. I was reading your update and about ready to jump in the air and shout! Do you believe she would harm herself? I know you mentioned several times that she was depressed, but why did it take you telling her she would not be going on the trip with you and the girls before she reveals the suicide thoughts? I suspose I am too suspicious of women who've been in A's.

I'm not saying you aren't doing the right thing. The girls are so young and they need her. Shows you how selfish depression can be, right? Maybe the doctor will get her on some hormone replacement therapy. She'll be able to tell a huge difference pretty quickly if she does that. She may have to take an anti-depression med also....but hey, if it works, so be it!

I hope you can find time to keep us updated about her progress and you and the children are doing. And, of course we care very much about your M. I agree, just as you finally was able to drop the rope and move on....then this.

Oh well, you know you can do it....if you ever need to repeat the process. We'll be here, anxious to here from ya.

Take care my friend,
Sandi

[Lotus]

You are doing the right thing by tearing down the wall when she needs help. There are some
things more important than posturing for position. It is important to know when to let up. Marriage is two people making it through life together. That is what you are doing.