Your focus, energy and actions are in the wrong place. Nothing wrong with hiring a PI, be prepared for any outcome.
What are you going to do for yourself today?
Who have you made smile?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Your focus, energy and actions are in the wrong place. Nothing wrong with hiring a PI, be prepared for any outcome.
what's the worst that can happen? that it's true. it will decide whether i go after that precious baseball collection. i'll likely set up a meeting and discuss budget, evidence collecting, etc. yeah, i'll be vindictive. at first, i was thinking of being compassionate. the same way i dealt with the furniture. but the more in think about it, i'd be mad enough to attack the things that are near and dear to him. i may not have damaged the antique cigar pipe his grandfather passed down. but looking back, i probably should have "accidentally" torched it.
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What are you going to do for yourself today?
the new home sales office closes at 8 pm today. that's where i'll be.
what's the worst that can happen? that it's true. it will decide whether i go after that precious baseball collection. i'll likely set up a meeting and discuss budget, evidence collecting, etc. yeah, i'll be vindictive. at first, i was thinking of being compassionate. the same way i dealt with the furniture. but the more in think about it, i'd be mad enough to attack the things that are near and dear to him. i may not have damaged the antique cigar pipe his grandfather passed down. but looking back, i probably should have "accidentally" torched it.
Goals keep you focused on what you want. My actions all help me move towards my goals. If it works keep doing it.
What kind of woman are you really? It's your choice.
Are you passive-aggressive?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Goals keep you focused on what you want. My actions all help me move towards my goals. If it works keep doing it.
my goal was always to own my own home. i already wasted my money on my wedding. other than that .. what else is there? work hard, make as much money as you can.
by finding out if there is an A, i will drop the nice girl mentality and take as much as i can. since he is d-ing me because he thinks i'm a gold digger, then i might as well live up to that. let him think "yeah, i was right. she is a gold digger". it's not changing the sitch whether i'm a gold digger or not. might as well use it to my advantage.
what kind of woman am i? one who grew up and smartened up. what has being a good girl got me? a d. my 180 should be to be a bad girl. see what that does. cuz being a good girl doesn't get you anywhere.
am i p-a? i don't know. i know h was.
this day had to come. i think forrest was right. it was always in me. just had to let it out.
it doesn't feel temporary, coach. it just doesn't.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
i don't need to lose any more weight. i could stand to gain a bit of weight. i'm a stick. i could get implants.
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educational goals
go back for an MBA
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spiritual goals
i stopped practicing.
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financial goals
get as much $$ as i can out of the settlement. all goals cost money. without money, i can't achieve my goals. mba - lots of $$ photography - $$ implants - $$ tennis - $$ home - $$$
i want to be financially well off on my own.
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hobby goals
photography tennis squash
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relationship goals
to never, ever to be in another relationship again.
i honestly contemplated severing all ties to friends and family today. change the cell number, abandon all email addresses, change home phone.
every cell in my body is filled with anger today. it's not stopping. as the day goes on, it's not slowing down.
DFM, I think what you are seeing in yourself is normal. Anger? Check. Compassion? Check. Change in compassion to anger? Check.
When your relationship dies, you go through all of that. Am I saying it's over? No. But for now yes it is. And you didn't bring it. That anger is a good thing, but don't let it get out of control. Don't unleash it on people or places it does not belong. Learn better ways of dealing with your anger. Something more productive such as exercise, laughter, and so on while you work on you. Trust me, you can't change the past, but your future is yours. Don't let anyone rob you of that.
You didn't ask to have to reinvent yourself at this point, but since it's here, use the time to better you. MBA? Go for it. Hobbies? Go for it. Try them out and see if you like them. Do things for you and for you alone. Don't do them out of anger or for others. But realize that the anger is there for a reason. Use it to help you heal. Use it fuel your changes. Use it, but don't be used by it. It's not easy to say goodbye to the dreams, the hopes, the trust. But it can and will happen. While you work towards that, use that anger for your benefit and not to hurt people. That anger will be replaced by other emotions as well. Feel them. Let them be heard and don't be consumed by them. It's part of the process to healing and becoming a better you.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
i honestly contemplated severing all ties to friends and family today. change the cell number, abandon all email addresses, change home phone.
why didn't you?
call your best friend from HS or college.
watch Mr Bean
play with a puppy
knock out some push-ups
take a photograph of how you feel
go hit some tennis balls "I quit tennis, no matter how much I practice I'll never be as good as the wall." - Mitch Hedberg
tell us your favorite joke
learn something new about a friend
Something I did when I was flat on the floor was to tell myself, "I can handle it." Kept doing it until I got moving again. You can handle it squash girl.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Perhaps you have unlimited resources. If not, start thinking here. Why rush into a house in this market? You may not even want to stay where you are if a D goes through. Why waste $1,500 on a private investigator? You lose either way. You learn about OW -- that's painful. You learn there's no OW and he just doesn't want to be with you -- that's painful.
You'd be better off using the $1,500 to fly to Vegas and putting it all on red.
Start thinking.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
"Nothing wrong with hiring a PI, be prepared for any outcome."
What would be the purpose of this GG? Give me your honest answer. I am going to take him for all he is worth.. is not a good answer. Think again!
"i want to rewind the last nine years."
I know.. I have been following along remember.
Why? Your only reason for wanting to do it now.. is because of the situation you find yourself in. Thing is.. if you could just rewind it.. chances are you would do it exactly the same way you did. Cause you don't know any better. Once enough time had passed you would settle back into what you have been doing. I suspect from all your "hand raising" and "running around on fire".. you are doing just that right now.
"i don't want to allow myself to ever feel again."
Are you the WA now? See... See how easy it is to fall into the trap! You still don't get that you and your H are on the same field. He just showed up early.
"you know. just like the one night stand. you don't know if it's going to help or not."
Oh.. I assure you it won't help. Do not misunderstand me. It will make things worse. Maybe short term it may cover it up.. but it will leave you lacking. I will bet you money if I walked into somewhere you were.. I could pick you out. You would be the easiest target in the room. It would be in your mannerisms.. your words.. your smile. It is like someone is an open book when you are are where you are right now. My BF wife called me "The Scary Guy".
Wanna test me.. go do it. Tell them Forrest made you do it.
"hey .. he might even be stbxh's replacement."
There you go waffling again.
"that should hurt the jugular, ego, and everything else. it will be all over the workplace. h would have to quit his job."
That's right.. dig sister dig.
"if i suspect that stbxh is doing that. there is no reason why i shouldn't. i don't know if it will be unfulfilling if i don't try. don't tempt me forrest."
Lets be clear.. It does not matter one bit what I write here. You are gonna do.. what you want to do. I can tell you what not to do. I can write out exactly what to do to give yourself a fighting chance. But you make the choices. And they will be your choices. Forever.
"coach said the brutal reality is i'm divorced. so i should be able to do whatever i want."
I don't think that is what he said..
"you don't know how many people have said the words "move on" or "he's likely too far ahead" or "you don't need that. there are more fish in the sea. you'll find someone who appreciates you". if i hear another "move on" and "you'll find someone else" comment .. i will f*king lose it. i could just be one of those people you said have dug themselves in such a big hole that it's too late. maybe that's me."
So don't try. If this means so little to you.. why are you so worked up? I mean if your done.. your done. No skin off my back. It was great to meet you and I wish you the best.
"i think i can see that the process is going to take a long time. i'm too old, damaged goods. i might as well sell myself to the highest bidder. after all, i am a gold digger who marries people for their money, right?"
I got a dollar. Although with the stock market going like it is that really is only seventy-five cents or so.
"i think you know i'm digging into you. i don't want to be complacent. i don't want to wait around. i want to suppress this part of me and work on the part of me that is still going. which is my job/career. i'm not interested in saving myself. that part of me is dead already."
OK.. I believe ya.
Seems to me.. the path you are on.. the things you are doing/saying.. has left you complacent and waiting around. You are stuck in your own fear. I know it is part of it.. but you are not gonna believe how silly this looks weeks/months down the road.
You have done nothing to surprise me.. whatsoever. One day.. I am gonna post.. and someone is gonna just "get it" and "Do Work". God.. that is gonna be a great day. Life changing for me really.
You are almost exactly where I expected you to be.. you had all the signs. I had a little hope.. and ya let me down. What am I gonna do now?
I'll keep posting..
It was not that long ago.. you were a much more interesting and vibrant person. This crap you are throwing out here.. well it is just disappointing. Your edge is gone. I don't like you like this.. and from your posts.. you don't either.
Your choices.. are your choices. Don't blame me if you can't get up and do something. I will assure you that I will stand by my words. It is all right "here".. I gave you the "tools" for free. They will be sitting right were I left them.. if you ever find yourself ready.
Let me be clear...
DO NOT.. put yourself into a "situation" with another male! (or female if you swing that way)
DO NOT.. Move the D forward.
DO NOT.. Talk to your H or any of his friend's
DO NOT.. buy a house. (NEVER.. make a large purchase in the midst of a separation/D. It will bite you in the as5.)
DO.. something for you.
DO.. sleep and eat and shower.
DO NOT.. quit your job. (Take time off if you need it)
I am here.. for you. Simple as that. Don't care about your H. Don't care about what people might think. I am here to hold you to a higher standard.. cause I have been where you are.. and I know YOU can do better. If a DAM like me can pull it off.. so can you.
When and if.. you are ready. You know what to do.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
