Hmmm. I think there were many contributing factors.
After all the initial period of me freaking out big-time, we decided that our relationship deserved better than to end on such a note. We agreed that we owed it to ourselves and our family to try 110% for at least a year. If that didn't work, we could say we had sincerely tried and break up in a respectful way.
After more than a month and nothing happening, I laid down an ultimatim. I don't recommend that for most DBer's, as it can easily backfire and you'd better be prepared for the worst if you force the issue!
I think that was the turning point. H began reading books about relationships and working on specific goal-setting with me.
Slowly, as H began Counciling and MC, and began to come out of his depression, we were able to start working toward a reconcilliation.
Some of the big things that have contributed to the before/after behavior are:
1. H stopped blaming me and looked long and hard at his part of how we got in trouble. 2. H turned his self-recriminations and guilt into positive action. 3. H had to face the likelihood of loosing his best friend & partner, his family, his home, not to mention what was left of his self-respect. I think that made him do some real soul-searching about what was really important to him.
As Joni Mitchell sang: Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone.
Most of the changes are due to his wanting to make them, even though the "how to" came more slowly than the decision.
As for me, I think I posted a little while back as to what I feel like I did to change.
I don't know if any of this is what you are looking for.
