Is this piecing?

[Butterfly1]

Feeling good about me - I'm really up this week - but sad sad sad about M. If only my H wanted to give it a try I know we could do it. As much as I'm hoping the DB coach's path will lead me in the right direction, I don't know if we'll ever get there. I"m so jealous of all you real piecers!

Ok enough self pity. My play got great reviews this weekend, we had a fancy gala party, and, I have a music class demo at a preschool in the morning - first step on building my new business. Wish me luck. It's not all bad this week. But I still wish my H wasn't in the "things will never change" mode. bittersweet~!

[LauraOh]

H4L, you are just OOZING that you are in a better place. It's very, very attractive to your H when you are upbeat like this.

Whether or not you win him back, you have just made it MUCH harder for him to give up. He will be very curious where this is coming from--stay upbeat, yet a little mystery is fine too.

WHEN he tries to bring you down (and he will) do just as the coach said--validate until he looses it and then give him the script (a good one, btw!! I'm going to borrow that!!)

And smile--smiling is a very, very poweful DB tool. I just was reminded of that recently. When you answer the phone, put a big smile on your face. When you see H, smile. Keep him guessing.lol. It's fun!

[The Wifey]

We were apart for 18 months, but the change in him began after his Dad died and that led to severe depression, so perhaps it was 2 years of him being 'emotionally gone' within a 5 year span of depression. I was terribly grief stricken when he left. DBing gave me hope. I agree, that doesnt always lead to reconciliation (rare in fact). My bf has said he cant really explain, but he was almost suicidally depressed and so made bad decisions/choices at that time and felt 'insular' as he said. Dating someone else was just.. more of the same. Bad choice, bad decision, avoidance, justifying leaving me in the first place. He's on a good AD now and past the worst of his grief. I intuitively knew he would come back, he says he can see that himself now looking back. Most importantly, he was a GOOD man, a GOOD partner and worth waiting for, wholeheartedly. Plus I just instinctively knew we'd be fine and be able to put it behind us.

Only you can read your intuition if you feel there is a chance he will come back and only you know if you think he is worth waiting for and if you feel you have a good chance of putting this behind you as a couple.

Ali, I have to say that I felt those things and did those things for nearly two years. Two days ago things changed. I looked in his eyes and they were dead. There were no feelings for me visible at all.

I'd been doing so good and now I feel like I am back to square 0.

And for the first time I can feel angry.

[Butterfly1]

laura, thank you

It's going to take a long time. My H is very stubborn and he is convinced that even if I change now, he can't trust that five years down the line things wont go back to the past....this is why he says he doesn't want to be married to me any more.

All I can say is I had another night of being successfully happy and cheerful around him last night, even though I cried myself to sleep. Still holding out hope.

[alice444]

Hope, I agree - you sound 100% different- I'm amazed!!! You have obviously been working really hard at this and I'm really proud of you! Even if the underlying emotions are still there and you cry in private, what you show H is what counts now. I am just blown away- your writing even sounds different than a couple weeks ago. Keep it coming, girlfriend!!!

(((((Hope)))))

[flowmom]

Hope, I've waited to post to figure out what I want to say.

First, glad that your PMA is improving

Second, please keep a private diary/calendar to record incidents of abusive behaviour. You need to have an objective record of what is going on...for yourself. Especially, you need to be able to track if changing strategies is leaving you open to more abusive behaviour...this is my main concern about following the coach's advice.

Third, keep pursuing your personal goals. It's good that your business idea isn't based in your home . That sounds positive.

(((hugs)))

[Butterfly1]

FM thanks for the 2x4 - I forget the abusive behavior and blame myself as I have been a Queen B**ch myself so many times. I am also terrible at making a written account of the verbal abuse I guess I need to make a commitment to myself to try to gather diary entries and record stuff from memory - a big task as not that much is written down.

HOwever, this week with my new friendly attitude H has returned the attitude in kind

MC also stopped him from saying things "that would hurt" me in the name of "honesty."

OK, next coaching session I'm going to talk a lot more seriously with the coach with this situation.

THank you.

And cross your fingers, the preschool I demoed at this morning sounds like they want to sign me up to teach music classes in the fall

[Butterfly1]

Ps I think going back over my (millions of) posts on this forum will be a good record of what I have put up with during the past nine months. I probably recorded more here than anywhere.

I have plans for this week, but starting monday, this is my goal.

And yes, all I am feeling amazingly much better. You are all a part of it, so thank you so much!

[flowmom]

Yes, I think documenting from the past is a good idea, but especially starting from now. I just want you to be able to see it in black and white so that you can be objective about the impact that contact with him is having on you.

And hey, if coach's advice is working...that's great . But to me "working" MUST include the sitch being right for YOU as an individual.

And cross your fingers, the preschool I demoed at this morning sounds like they want to sign me up to teach music classes in the fall

So cool! Fingers crossed!

[flowmom]

Thinking of you Hope...hope all is well . We're here to support and cheer you on if that's helpful.