embracing change

[CityGirl]

In my own experience once you (general you) start to really feel detachment in a sort of tangible way an internal battle starts.

I think detachment is a wonderful thing and really can help you find a new footing but it also can present a new set of fears. Will my detachment be the final straw? How far removed is "ok"?

You have made some pretty amazing progress. In my own life I find that significant progress might lead to a bit of backsliding.

No advice really, just wanted to let you know I can relate!

[flowmom]

Thanks for your thoughts CG...that is helpful to know that this can be part of the process.

[Kalni]

Detachement... When you detach completely, you are "gone"... I struggled so much to decide whether I was really detached or not. For some time I had put my H's thoughts on pause. And it worked as far as pain was concerned and functioning and actually enjoying life. When I allowed myself to fall in love with someone else, I decided I wanted to, I took that step beyond. I was gone. And he felt he was running out of time.

There is a fine healthy line. And it is hard to keep walking ON it for long.

[CityGirl]

I do think it is part of the process for most any life altering situation.

I had a very bad experience on Sunday and I am still trying to figure out why. It was a lovely day and I was blowing out my hair. I had plans for the evening and really did not have one thing on my mind other than enjoying myself. All of a sudden out of the clear blue I had an anxiety attack that took my breath away. I had the "feeling" that I used to get when I would pace and go to my ottoman. I felt like my heart was going to blow out of my chest. I have not had an attack like that for a very long time. All the tools I have learned to cope with such a high level of anxiety flew out of my brain.

I was furious with myself. Partly because I had the actual attack after doing so well for so long and partly because I had no clue what triggered the attack.

This anxiety stuck with me for a few days and I felt like I was firmly planted back in "last summer" which was a nightmare.

I am better now (not great but better). This morning I was walking the dog and I started thinking the "other way". Yes, it was very upsetting to have the attack but maybe it would be best to focus on the MONTHS I have gone without an attack. While I have made very solid progress I know I am not "cured".

I guess what I am saying is I know for me, I often have to really try and recognize a balance between being proud of my progress (like you should be proud of your progress) and dealing with the backslides (which we all have despite being very dedicated to the process).

Anyhow, have a great day!

[antlers]

You didn't have an anxiety/panic attack because of some personal failing of yours. Don't get mad at yourself. Who do you think is more likely to 'fall' or 'relapse'...those who punish themselves or those who value themselves? Who is more likely to 'fall' or 'relapse'...the valued self or the devalued self?

[flowmom]

(((CG))) I vote for celebrating how well you've been doing recently . Sorry to read about that attack. How upsetting. But yes, that is how change happens.

Kalni, I've been reading your old threads...yours was quite a journey. How much to detach? That's something I need to figure out.

[rr22]

fm or someone,

can you go give her advice about what order she should go in with her legal sitch and her kids and her very angry H? I think there's been no discussion for awhile and she is worried about rights stuff.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...625#Post2006625

[flowmom]

Had another H dream the other night. We were making dinner together and being flirty. sigh.

H seems more "normal" around me lately. Less "haunted" looking (still see it sometimes, but not all the time).

I don't think that I am giving off pathetic vibes any more. Although my GAL is not 100%, I am having fun and doing good things for myself at times, especially when not deathly ill . People who haven't seen me in a while make a bit of a fuss about how great I look . I have reasons to smile and I'm mostly enjoying my time with and without the children.

[Mila]

Hi Flow, are you still sick?

Yes we have reasons to smile...I have to remember that more often myself...it's been a year of misery for me...I miss my happy self. Glad to see you doing so well and looking so well

I also read that you are observing some changes in your H....who knows what they mean but I'm sure if he is more "normal" it will make your interactions with him easier.

[flowmom]

No I'm not sick any more, and PMA is much better as a result.

And yes, it does make things easier to have a "normal" vibe with H.

I've thought about it a lot. My goal is to have a friendship with H, not just barely civil coparenting interactions. So my interactions with him are based on creating a comfort zone for both of us that will eventually allow for that. If H and I can be friends, I feel that that will minimize the trauma for my children, and make the frequent contact with him more tolerable. I believe that I have to capacity to eventually forgive and overcome my sense of betrayal about what he's done to our family.