I am going to prepare myself, although I read so much and know a lot... or at least enough. it does help get me in baby mode and make mental notes of what i need to do. h can go and sit in another corner.
I am a YO-YO! Go up and down and all around... wishing H would just SNAP out of his mess and realize what he is doing and missing out on!
He sent a text apologizing. I said something back and sarcastically he commented and started the statement with 'you're amazing....blah blah blah' i wrote back and said I AM AMAZING... YOU JUST DONT APPRECIATE ME... thought that would shut him up...
BD...I would be offended about getting an overflow ticket for graduation. I wouldn't go.
As for your H- he "knows" he can get you to back down and "come around" to the way you were. Do you really want him to have this power over you? Meaning do your best to decide what your boundaries are, how you will act and communicate with him, and then force yourself to stick to it.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
When you had that last convo with WH, who called who? Was it you, BD? Ok --- you must stop it! No more calls to your WH to 'tell him how it is'. He knows all this. And it's not changing him ONE bit when you remind him.
Sorry for the 2x4, but you know this comes from a friend!
Your H knows you want him back as a H, not as anything less. He knows you are a great person, but he's still left.
NM was right spot on about the grief cycle you've just gone through and are still going through.
It's best you keep this cycle to yourself, your close friends, your therapist, IF you still want to proeject the image of a strong woman who knows herself.
I have a feeling the only way your H is going to look at you in a new light is if you be the walk-away spouse.
At this point in time, you have no boundaries. He is walking all over you and has no reason to stop. He knows you to a fault and he kows he is going to get what he wants.
Possible boundary 1: I would tell him in a short and civil email that you have decided that you no longer wish him to be present at the classes and will be taking a best friend along instead.
You could extend this to all doctors appointments until the birth if you wish.
It's your choice of course, but I recommend this because your pregnancy is YOURS and it is about YOU and it is important that you live it without turmoil. Your needs come first, not his wishes. I strongly think your H doesn't NEED these classes since he's already made it clear he's going to be an involved father (albeit part time).
Start treating him like a divorced dad. It might wake him up and give him a taste of what is to come.
As for your H- he "knows" he can get you to back down and "come around" to the way you were. Do you really want him to have this power over you?
NM's point is really interesting, BD. I hadn't thought about it this way, but yes, he could be somehow manipulating you. He sends REALLY mixed messages. It would be very hard to be around him a lot while he says "I don't want to be with you that way." (BTW, the part about a stepmom? How RUDE!!!)
I agree with what Piano said-- it's important that you create the calmest pregnancy that you can. And that may mean a little dimness for a while.
I needed you girls!!! Not fun with the laptop not working... cant get on here except at work!
you are right! I now have to act like the WAS. I have to show him, that I can distance myself and go on my own... as i've been doing. Everytime I back off, H comes forward, and I get sucked in!
Honestly I do not mind him at the classes or the doc appts. For some reason, i can easily distance myself on these occasions... guess because my mind is distracted and its all about the baby.
I had a rough week... feeling much better. Reminding myself as you mentioned before NM, that DBing is months not days and weeks.
I am living a cycle that has been going on since the arrival of the D papers. I back off. H takes two steps forward, and one step back... then four steps forward and two steps back... with each interaction we get a teeny tiny bit closer, after he backs out again.
Piano, he calls me and initiates the calls most of the time... lately. I am learning not to answer or reply and be mysterious...
Frankly, not sure what he wants from me? Could he be trialing out how to be in a my life even as a friend? Is he using me to get to the baby? Is he just cake eating?
So I am back to getting a life. I need to really pay attention to myself!
H needs to miss me. For me... as his wife!
He just sends so many mixed signals... he went from saying absolutely NOT to not now or maybe down the line... have to remind myself not to listen or believe what he says!
He just sends so many mixed signals... he went from saying absolutely NOT to not now or maybe down the line... have to remind myself not to listen or believe what he says!
I swear it must be because he doesn't know what he wants! It sucks that it has to be what they want, but it is because we want them....arghhh!
Well it is good that you can distance yourself from him at the classes and appointments. If you can, try to think of ways you can "reject" him! Hey think of it like this- just as you are always going to be around in his mind, he is acting like he will always be around (as a part time father) so what have you got to lose?
So you don't call him back right away. Or you text instead of call and only be brief and only about the baby. Nothing personal. If you had some health issue you can tell him. Don't drive with him to class. If you used to do certain things for him then don't do them anymore.
Now this might be tough for you- for some reason, I couldn't do it very well for the longest time because I didn't want to hurt WH!!! WTF?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
H called to ask me to go to his Graduation. Some through text, then he called. Said " I want you to be there" and when I replied that I cant be there as your friend, he replied "i want you to be there as my everything". Conversation went on a bit, and H said I never said i was 100% sure you and I could never work, so why cant we just take things as they are, focus on the baby and no pressure about us. Said he wants me in his life, and he is just trying to live day by day, doesnt like to look far in the future and wants to be there for me and the baby as a family. I also said how i was offended about the overflow seat, and H responded with i thought you would feel funny sitting with my parents and knew your mother would be in that section and just wanted you to be comfortable. When I mentioned the graduation to you, i never said that was the only ticket, i wanted you to be comfortable and you always told me you regret helping me get through shcool it was a huge mistake and i thought you didnt care to be there. Instead I was merely trying to mkae you comfortable, but when you said no, i felt that you didnt want to be there for me. So i didnt bring it up or ask about the main seating level. needless to say this ticket is for the main level.
the morning after we spoke, he followed up with a text reiterating the same thing. He also invited me to lunch after with his parents... small celebration.
I said yes. so tomorrow is the graduation followed by lunch. Oh Boy!
