Hello All! I'll try to make this as brief as possible - after reading through a lot of this forum, I've discovered that my situation isn't all that different than a lot of people. Good to not feel so alone!
Married 16 yrs, 2 children - 17 and 12. Good marriage most of the time, lots of good memories, some bad ones, mostly me though...I use to be an angry person.
Past few years I began to sink into a heavy depression and started drinking heavily, emotionally neglecting/taking advantage/not respecting my wife and/or family. She built one hell of a wall around her heart, a wall against me....and because of me. Basically detached herself emotionally from me after trying for YEARS to straighten me out. In all of this, I still loved her dearly but didn't show it. I was a mess. She gave up finally and became a WAW....from what I've read here that's the best description I could find.
Fast FWD to last year, marriage was falling apart...I was drinking like crazy, numb to everything, depressed....she ran into an old boyfriend at her class reunion, at the time I was drinking and neglecting her the heaviest. They began a one-sided EA...I say one-sided because he's gay - but my wife fell in love with him. Different state, so no PA. I didn't see any signs at all until she flat out told me, and said she felt guilty about it and didn't want to hide it...she wanted our relationship to open up. It was then that everything hit me like a train and I was knocked out of that fog I was in. She was planning on leaving me she said, the only thing keeping us together was the kids at the time. She was going to leave me this coming summer. I went through ALL the emotions, pain, you name it within the span of a few weeks. FFWD a bit - I realized what I was doing, I wanted to keep my lovely wife and start this marriage over....I stopped drinking and began getting myself together...did all the wrong things at first; begged her, cried, puppydog following her around the house, smothered her, etc. MAN I didn everything a man is NOT supposed to do which kept pushing her further away! She decided that she wasn't actually in love with this friend of hers, but that he was there when I wasn't - he listened, talked, did everything I was supposed to be doing - which she REAALLY needed at the time. True. I don't know if he ever knew how my wife felt, I've asked and she's told me that it was all her and that he knew nothing. I spied a bit, and that seems to be true....wanted to learn trust, I stopped spying and refuse to do it again - at this point I have no reason to.
Anyway, FFWD to today - I'm a changed person in many different ways, I have stopped smothering her and given her space, stopped 'doting' on her, showed her real love and support, etc. etc. etc. got a life somewhat, lost 25 lbs, got all 'muscular', started my art career up again and I'm much like the man she married in all ways...except that I'm much more 'learned' about relationships....women....marriage...love...trust...anything and everything I have read over the months, and she has said to me 'I don't even know you now! lol!' - and in a good way. We don't talk about the marriage right now, at her request, she has worked on her anger and resentment towards me and it's better...but still there, I can tell sometimes....we get along better than we ever have...we laugh, my moods are almost always 100% awesome which always rubs off on here when we talk, have coffee, etc. we hug each other, nice kisses - quick on the lips or cheek, but sex and intimacy almost non-existent right now, but I don't push it because it makes her angry when I do....she has said 'let me come to you' in the past, and that's what I'm doing. I flirt a little, give her compliments and say dirty stuff to here now and then which gets a cute 'look' from her...I'm showing patience like NEVER before, many many actions and fewer words, and it seems she's SLOWLY opening up to me again and it's only been about 5-6 months since I freaked out, broke down, cried and begged....up until that time, we had frequent and great sex even when she was pissed and me and even when she thought she was in love with someone else. I'm guessing those breakdowns turned her off to me physically, sexually? but that's just from reading a little bit and a guess - I'm not an expert at this! I've caught her recently though, looking at me and my muscles when I'm walking around the house shirtless, hugging me a 'little' tighter,....we look into each other's eyes when we talk now, something we didn't do before. And finally, the other day she went out of town with her mother...and emailed me a reminder to pick up our son...and in it she said 'Have a Super Day! I love you!!!' which is something I haven't heard or she has written to me in a LONG time! My heart stopped and I was in a trance all day...I wanted more of course, but I held back and just tried to be a friend that day. She'll go from that though, to seeming a bit cold to me. Sort of one step FWD, one step back. Any suggestions? Am I on the right track? I love this woman to death and will work and wait as long as I have to for her to decide on what she wants - one way or another. It seems like since I've started respecting her wishes, giving her space and listening to her when she comes to me to talk, leaving her alone when she wants to be left alone...things like that have started to make a difference. This based on the fact that months ago she was AFRAID of me, didn't trust me AT ALL, wanted to leave, was so angry at me I couldn't hug or talk to her AT ALL and we came inches from splitting up, and holy crap I don't blame her. I was bad. The 'today' me is more me than has ever been me and I love me! Me is awesome. Something else - I've halted or reduced I should say - texting and emails to maybe 1 or 2 a day, and almost always something funny or just something nice to her. I guess I have this overwhelming fear that if I'm not there AGAIN, like I wasn't last summer, then things will go backwards....so I'm a bit leary of halting all communication, acting like I've moved on, etc. like I've read here in this forum. I'll do whatever it takes though - I'm just not a good actor ha! Wrong? Right? I appreciate all help and suggestions! Am I on the right for love again?
Wow! I'm not a vet, and I'm sure they'll chime in soon ... but all I can say is congratulations on doing the hard work on yourself! The one thing I will tell you is DON'T STOP! From what I've read, the tendancy can be to fall into old patterns once you start to feel like you are in the clear. Always remember to "do more of what works and less of what doesn't" ... I'm not sure what you've read and what you haven't but I would highly recommend 'How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It' and of course 'Divorce Remedy' ... there are so many good ones.
Originally Posted By: LarsB
It seems like since I've started respecting her wishes, giving her space and listening to her when she comes to me to talk, leaving her alone when she wants to be left alone...things like that have started to make a difference.
Duh!!!
This is good stuff ... keep up the good work and keep growing!
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
It really does sound to me like you're doing everything right. I'd say "KEEP IT UP!" because the underlying premise of DBing is "Do what works, and stop doing what doesn't." And your wife seems to be responding to you.
Just curious, but did you ever get any independent confirmation that this OM is gay? That's just such a standard b.s. wayward wife line, LOL.
"do more of what works and less of what doesn't" That will stick in my mind all day today - many many thanks!
Initially, I did ALL of the wrong things and I honestly believe we'd be along a lot further if I had searched and read how to behave a lot earlier. If I had found this and other forums, books, and such much earlier.
Time helps, that's for sure, in many ways....I've already put in place some new, GOOD memories to replace bad memories....her birthday, Christmas, and our Anniversary are three already. Daily good memories, good conversations, things like that. I cook excellent food. Our kids love me now, the joy I get out of that is amazing in itself!
Anger is non-existent with us now...or at least doesn't rear it's ugly head anymore. Months ago I couldn't SPEAK to her without her getting mad as hell and she has NEVER been an angry person. What I did to that woman's heart is just terrible. She tried SO MANY TIMES to work on this marriage over the years and I was resistant. This is MY KARMA kicking in, I deserve it!
She went from practically HATING me to saying 'I love you' a couple of days ago...which to me is progress and quite frankly, a shock! A few months ago I'd cry, beg, and say I love you over and over, and she'd only say 'I know you do' or say nothing at all. Damn, that hurt!
When we see each other for the first time of the day, usually when I get home from work, there's this sort of 'light' in her eye - and mine - we smile at each other, ask how each other's days were, and there's ALWAYS a hug and kiss. That never happened before and wow is it nice! I'll take it.
I can tell those who are early in this situation; it's not easy, it's painful at first but the pain eases, patience is essential, don't smother, beg, no matter how hard it is not to, don't over analyze everything - it'll drive you crazy, know that the other is also hurting and needs space and time to heal (if you're the one who did the damage, like I have), search the internet, read the forums for help if you have to, but don't sit alone and do the wrong things like I did!
Pray to whatever you pray to for 'right mind, right speech, right actions' - I do every day, and I THINK before I act or speak now. It makes a difference in how she reacts to me.
Right now, today, my only concern is our intimacy issue. I 'was' pushy about wanting sex weeks ago, and would get 'sex' from her but she'd lay there like she was angry at me, and just sort of let me get it over with. I told her one night that this wasn't how I wanted it, and that I'll just be here for her when she's ready. Any other suggestions?
Puppy Dog - At first I was spying/snooping and all that when I found out about him, and yeah he's gay...or at least bi from what I could see. My wife was so honest with me about everything initially, and I confirmed most of it to be sure, that I had no real reason to not believe her.
I'm at a point now in my mind and life where I don't spy on her anymore, and if she came to me and said she lied about him being gay...well I'd probably feel like 'meh, doesn't matter anymore' which is difficult to say, but I've sort of made myself 'able to let her go' of that day ever came around. That sort of mentality helps although it's painful sometimes and seems like the opposite way you'd want to think!
Right now, today, my only concern is our intimacy issue. I 'was' pushy about wanting sex weeks ago, and would get 'sex' from her but she'd lay there like she was angry at me, and just sort of let me get it over with. I told her one night that this wasn't how I wanted it, and that I'll just be here for her when she's ready. Any other suggestions?
My sex life is amazing now. Keep reading as much as you can.
You are the man and are in charge of the sex and romance department. If you postpone your own gratification you will reap the rewards. It is a lot of work, but well worth it.
Read this book ASAP: "She comes first". "Hold on to your NUTS" and "The Art of seduction" are other books to read.
Women are like crock pots, men are microwaves. It is your job to make her "feel good" and imagine/anticipate what is coming later. It starts in the morning, a kiss, a look, a non-sexual touch as you leave for work.
Making and breaking contact and building up the sexual tension is part of it also....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks Ready - encouragement is always great and I hope to do the same for someone in the future.
I have been doing a little of what you've suggested already...here and there, and I can say that it DOES seem to be building up slightly - little things she says or does...I pick up on like a hawk ha! We're still a bit fresh out of the other stages so I'm being patient still, giving things time, and I don't expect her to jump on me right away.
I can say this though; I'm in better physical condition than I was when I met her, and I'm in better physical shape than I've EVER been in my entire life and I'm 42. If she's not interested, it seems many other woman are - woman I've met at art openings and such, when I'm out hiking (I stopped wearing a shirt and wow, do I get looks!) This all came out of getting a life, trying to better myself, and trying to focus on other things besides her. These things work in many other ways.
I'm gettin' those books! Thanks for the advice man, I appreciate it and good luck to you sir.
Women are like crock pots, men are microwaves. It is your job to make her "feel good" and imagine/anticipate what is coming later. It starts in the morning, a kiss, a look, a non-sexual touch as you leave for work.
Making and breaking contact and building up the sexual tension is part of it also....
Soooooooooo true!
Quote:
If she's not interested, it seems many other woman are
Oh, she's interested ... trust me She's just nervous to go there yet ... my counselor said 'women need to feel connected to want sex and men need to have sex to feel connected' ... and I'd say she's spot on generally speaking. Keep it up and you'll get there ... and those books sound great!
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
... my counselor said 'women need to feel connected to want sex and men need to have sex to feel connected' ...
Yeah, proof once again that God does, indeed, have a sick sense of humor. Combine this with the whole "men hit their sexual peak at 18, and women hit theirs at 40," and He is one sick puppy.
- Puppy, who I think just called The Big Guy a "sick puppy." Man, I'm goin' STRAIGHT to Hell!!!
She's just nervous to go there yet ... my counselor said 'women need to feel connected to want sex and men need to have sex to feel connected' ... and I'd say she's spot on generally speaking. Keep it up and you'll get there ... and those books sound great!
