A few things stand out to me ... so here's my 'woman's opinion' that you asked for ...
Originally Posted By: Barkley
The kids and I love you very much. We all want you to be happy!
Are you in a place where you truly love her unconditionally. Think about that long and hard ... unconditional love means loving her without expectations and regardless of what she does or when she does it. Make sure you're not thinking something along the lines of 'I love you but will only continue to love you if you do things my way...'
Originally Posted By: Barkley
Over the last year, I think you have tried many things hoping that they would make you happy (the boob job, new car, more money, going out with friends and partying, etc., etc.). Unfortunately, they have only helped for a short period of time; and you are still unhappy. These "things" have not been the answer and never will be; so there must be something else i.e. (depression, midlife crisis or something from childhood).
This is mindreading and diagnosis only a doctor or therapist can make. Don't do this. If it is a MLC you definitely don't want to bring it up to her!
Originally Posted By: Barkley
Your W: I guess it’s hard for you to believe your actions caused this or else you wouldn’t have done it, but I’m telling you they did
Believe her. This hurts, it might not make sense to you right now but you need to believe her. Do not defend yourself, do not argue with her ... you need to commit the following phrases to memory "I'm sorry you feel that way", "I need to think about that", "It must hurt to feel that way" (these aren't mine by the way, I'm stealing from a vet's post but can't remember who to give credit to!)
Originally Posted By: Barkley
I am very sorry that I hurt you over the years, but had I known the seriousness of my actions, I would have stopped in a heartbeat, that is what is so frustrating for me about your feelings.
Hurt is hurt. Stop saying "I'm sorry BUT" ... I know where you are coming from (I really do - check out my sitch) but all this says/does is transfer the blame to her and downplay the hurt she has felt.
There are a couple of things that stick out to me ...
1. Let's say you're right and there is no A to contend with (and trust me I wish I could really believe this is the case - again check out my sitch) - if she is going out and having fun with trust-worthy married girl friends after having spent years being mom and wife and feeling unappreciated ... ummmm, why not??? The alternative at home was less appealing ... you CAN change that.
2. You have not really come to terms with your contributions to your current sitch. It's classic, but honestly, the faster you GET it ... the sooner you will be able to proactively DB. I'm not saying that the current sitch is your fault ... just that most of us have learned that relationships belong to two people and it's rarely black and white - both have contributed to the dynamic. Look honestly at your W's complaints - are any of them fair and/or accurate? Are there things you want to change about yourself for yourself that would have the side benefit of potentially improving your M?
3. Stop talking and start doing! Don't tell your wife that the grass is greener at home - show her! Don't tell her you love her - show her! Don't tell her you'll change - show her! Get the picture?
Read, read, read! Read threads ... books ... whatever you can get your hands on ...
If you haven't read Divorce Remedy yet - get it right away ... lots of Ah hah moments. Also, I've watched lots of MWD's videos on youtube and found them helpful also.
Hang in there! I see lots of positives in your wife's attitude ... but you are in for a rollercoaster ride!
((((hugs))))
PEACE PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
