Something I SWORE to myself I would NEVER allow to happen to MY kids , when was still a young man , since my parents got divorced when I was a teen and I lived the damage it did.
And now I find myself having become precisely what I DESPISED !!!
I always thought that her knowing I would always be there for her, faithful , not having a wandering eye , always reliable and committed would be enough to get us through the rough patches. I mean, I did other stuff as well, random cards , flowers , gifts for no reason , compliments on her appearance etc. But I definetly found it WAY to easy to get caught up in doing something I wanted to do and forget to make time for US.
There's ALOT of things that I could go into to flesh out the various problems if people feel they need detail to gain insight and offer advice, but thats going to take SEVERAL long posts to get it all out.
We had a similar situation that developed back in summer of 2007, but for somewhat different reasons from MY perspective , but I can see from HER point of view that the things she was upset about then and agreed to let me try and change are many of the same things she's upset about now. And I understand why she says " I gave you a chance " and you went right back to the same old behavior , like it didnt matter to you" And she's right , shehas every right to feel that way and I've told her that. But right no she's so emotionally devestated that she refuses to accept that this time it really is " different " for me.
The only way I can compare it is if you get a guy that has a minor heart attack, and the Doc tells him , cut out the red meat , and the scotch. So he does this for awhile , but after some time goes by and he feels everything is good , he slips right back to the old habits , and still nothing bad happens , which re enforces that he's doing ok , so he keeps the behavior up. Then out of the blue one day he has a MASSIVE heart attack that comes dangerously close to killing him. And thats when he FINALLY " see's the light " and decides to make permanent , life changing decisions.
Thats where Im at now. And I know all about making the changes for me and me alone, but TBH , it really wont matter to me if the result is that we cant fix things. I dont want anyone else in my life , I KNOW THIS with all my heart. She means everything to me , is my best friend , etc.
Its SOOOOOO hard to put on a happy face and pretend everything is just fine when my heart is breaking for the damage I've caused , for what I've lost when I was lucky enough to find it in the first place , even though I didnt realize it and how bad I just want to hold her tight and apologize and make things right and make her FEEL my commitment to being a better man and husband and the person she fell in love with.
It doesnt help that Im not known for being a patient person and I know it took a long time for things to get to this point and it will take a long time to fix. I just dont know how Im going to find the strength to go on day by day, not being able to tuck my kids in at night , or wake them up in the morning to send my daughter to school , or missing my son's first steps or it taking longer for him to say Da Da. Everytime I think about it it tears my heart out again , over and over and over.
I dont have any reason to worry about being able to see the kids , thats about the only thing Im sure of. She's already told me I can see them everyday , even if she has to leave her own place while I see them until she feels like she can be in the same room with me without feeling hurt and resentful and angry.
And I know I HAVE to see them everyday, but I also know that everytime I'll have to leave will be torture. I SOOOOOOOOOOO wish I had a time machine, so I could go back and slap my past self in the face and say " Wake up you idiot , look at whats going to happen if you dont ! " But I know thats silly to wish for.
Even with all the stories of people in DB and here that give me something to cling to and even though she's said to me and others that she isnt ready to quit on us yet, I just dont know how to " fake " that Im fine , when I cry myself to sleep just about everynight and I would give my life to have my family back together and whole and happy RIGHT NOW !
