...I've been creating anger toward him out of hurt, because the anger feels better than the sadness and longing. For a while, before we decided to seperate, I did have a little bit of contempt for him because I didn't think I was being treated fairly, but more importantly, because I could tell the end of our R was probably coming soon.
It's almost as if I've used the anger as a protective shield.
But the truth is that I'm not as angry as I sound, and I'm certainly not as angry as I was a month ago.
....I have been creating anger toward him because it does make it easier to let go. It is hard when he is being so nice about everything and trying to be my friend. I feel like I'm losing a good catch and my best friend.
When I think about forgiving him, it seems there is nothing to forgive him for, that I know he never hurt me on purpose and wanted nothing more than to make me happy.
Believe me, this would all be a lot easier for me to let go of if he really was the jerk I've made him out to be on this message board. But the truth is that I'm terrified to lose the most caring, intelligent, sensitive and generous man I have ever met and even more terrified that I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it.
I apologize if I was blunt before, but I wanted you to really understand what your posts were saying. They were saying to me that it was just a mater of time before your marriage was over, because that is what you seemed to want and yet there was a bit of not wanting that.
It sounds to me like you do understand and that you have been ventings, which is a good use of this forum (maybe let folks know when you are venting). As hard as it may seem examine your actions toward you husband and make sure that they are "loving" and not indicating anger or contempt. You may also want to reread the Montana wife story about the woman who refused to get sucked into defensiveness, fights or anger at her husband's mid-life crisis, but just offered love, opportunity, and space for him.
It sounds like you are afraid and would somehow like to regain the relationship you had with this man, but are struggling at how to do this. I don't think I have the answers, since it is different from my experience.
I would suggest that the two of you find a board certified sex therapist, or if that is not possible, go to a good couples retreat/weekend. MWD has serval good books on divorce busting and other authors have other approaches. It sounds to me like you and your husband need to start "courting/dating" again so that you build up the positive feelings between you. Then perhaps the sexual interaction that you need to feel validated by him will happen.
We all need the to feel loved, sexually desired, and cared for, it is part of our human nature. The book by Susan Johnson Hold Me Tight convinced me that my need to be held, touched and have regular sex was a natural human need. You may want to go to a library and read it. It helped me realize that I was normal in my needs.
Unless it is part of a well thought out 180, I would discourage you from moving out of the same apartment as he is in, as that will be just one additonal hurdle you will need to overcome to reconnect.
Good luck to you and I truly hope you find a way to connect with your husband and the strength to deal with what you are facing.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
