i don't know if he is still wearing his. I don't care at this point. I should not let that dictate whether I do it or not. too late anyway. I put mine away. I have to face the brutal facts of reality right? I'm divorced so why bother wearing the ring? I wanted to toss it out the window though
"i feel like i'm at crossroads. i either don't make the effort to db and go for the jugular. or db and take the chance that it still may not save the m."
Which one is more productive?
Which one is likely to move you forward?
The goal.. is not to save your marriage. You have to save yourself first.. and foremost. This "stitch" will make you do all kinds of un-natural things. So much Emotion.. it just drives you to make bad choices. What does going for the jugular get you in the long run? Does it really help you.. or do you just think it will make you feel better?
"why do i feel like a fool?"
Its the nature of the beast. You feel like a fool.. cause right now you can't see that you are acting foolish. The digging, the stalking.. all of it.. does nothing for you. It does not help you solve the problem. It does not help you move forward. You think that if you get enough dirt.. it will make it easier to "give up". I get it.. really I do. I have been there and done that. Here is a little secret.. nothing will make this easier.. other than you just making a choice. This you gotta do on your own.. remember the flywheel?
"i need something to turn this around. maybe i just need a date or something."
Maybe. If you do that.. you need to make sure that you understand you can't sleep with this person.. you can't kiss. Does not matter if you are dating someone random.. or your H. You are not in a position to build a good relationship with anyone right now. Don't fall prey to the Emotion.. it will be a hollow and un-fulfilling experience for you.
"after all, my h left me so technically i'm not really married anymore."
Until you have the papers.. signed sealed and delivered.. you are married. Simple as that!
"cuz i don't have a choice."
Yes.. you do.
"then that means db-ing was about saving ourselves from the grip of depression."
A big part of it is. You keep missing the point that it starts with you. Baby steps!! Everything starts with something simple. Then you build on that. You can't work on saving your marriage if you are acting a fool. You can't. Trust me.. I tried. There is no quick fix. It is a process. You can't jump ahead.. you need the foundation in place.
I'll keep harping on ya.. I know you are still listening. It's ok if you don't believe me yet. It will hit you one day.. like a ton o bricks. We are getting there. I see the real you squirming around in there!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
You do have a choice in how you act, think, and feel. Yes, it hurts and you didn't want to be here. Stop playing the victim role and take charge of yourself. You are forgetting the other side of this - retain hope that you will prevail in the end.
Change your thinking you change your emotions, change your emotions you change your actions (TEA). Lot of negative emotions in your writing - anger, fear, frustration, rage, despair.
pray make a list of all you are grateful for exercise do something for someone else smile start conversations while standing in line
Learn what triggers your mind to start racing and stirring up the snakes. What's the cure for killing the snakes?
The rollercoaster goes both ways. This feeling is temporary.
What are your goals and plans for the day?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"i feel like i'm at crossroads. i either don't make the effort to db and go for the jugular. or db and take the chance that it still may not save the m." Which one is more productive?
Which one is likely to move you forward?
i don't know. both are terminal. it's the foxhole scenario. you're gonna die either way. death by firing squad or guillotine.
i don't know which one will allow me to move forward. i want to rewind the last nine years. i don't want to allow myself to ever feel again. i was happy by myself. i didn't give myself away. i didn't open myself up to love someone. if i feel foolish, it's because i gave myself away to someone who eventually walked away. and i know you get it. i think for me .. i guarded it and now i just f*king hate everyone.
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The goal.. is not to save your marriage. You have to save yourself first.. and foremost. This "stitch" will make you do all kinds of un-natural things. So much Emotion.. it just drives you to make bad choices. What does going for the jugular get you in the long run? Does it really help you.. or do you just think it will make you feel better?
you know. just like the one night stand. you don't know if it's going to help or not. it just gave me an idea. there is a guy who h can't stand. mainly because this guy wanted me. i was stupid and chose h over him. i should call him up. found my perfect one night stand. hey .. he might even be stbxh's replacement. that should hurt the jugular, ego, and everything else. it will be all over the workplace. h would have to quit his job.
houston .. we have a plan.
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Maybe. If you do that.. you need to make sure that you understand you can't sleep with this person.. you can't kiss. Does not matter if you are dating someone random.. or your H. You are not in a position to build a good relationship with anyone right now. Don't fall prey to the Emotion.. it will be a hollow and un-fulfilling experience for you.
if i suspect that stbxh is doing that. there is no reason why i shouldn't. i don't know if it will be unfulfilling if i don't try. don't tempt me forrest.
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"after all, my h left me so technically i'm not really married anymore."
Until you have the papers.. signed sealed and delivered.. you are married. Simple as that!
coach said the brutal reality is i'm divorced. so i should be able to do whatever i want. the ring is off today. it is my step forward. i would have put it in my coffee grinder but .. i don't know if it will grind platinum.
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A big part of it is. You keep missing the point that it starts with you. Baby steps!! Everything starts with something simple. Then you build on that. You can't work on saving your marriage if you are acting a fool. You can't. Trust me.. I tried. There is no quick fix. It is a process. You can't jump ahead.. you need the foundation in place.
you don't know how many people have said the words "move on" or "he's likely too far ahead" or "you don't need that. there are more fish in the sea. you'll find someone who appreciates you". if i hear another "move on" and "you'll find someone else" comment .. i will f*king lose it. i could just be one of those people you said have dug themselves in such a big hole that it's too late. maybe that's me.
i think i can see that the process is going to take a long time. i'm too old, damaged goods. i might as well sell myself to the highest bidder. after all, i am a gold digger who marries people for their money, right?
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I'll keep harping on ya.. I know you are still listening. It's ok if you don't believe me yet. It will hit you one day.. like a ton o bricks. We are getting there. I see the real you squirming around in there!
i think you know i'm digging into you. i don't want to be complacent. i don't want to wait around. i want to suppress this part of me and work on the part of me that is still going. which is my job/career. i'm not interested in saving myself. that part of me is dead already.
You do have a choice in how you act, think, and feel. Yes, it hurts and you didn't want to be here. Stop playing the victim role and take charge of yourself. You are forgetting the other side of this - retain hope that you will prevail in the end.
she's dying a slow death.
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Change your thinking you change your emotions, change your emotions you change your actions (TEA). Lot of negative emotions in your writing - anger, fear, frustration, rage, despair.
who am i leaving all this money to? nobody. might as well spend it. new 180 #1: spend beyond your means. new 180 #2: what's the opposite of a good girl? drugs. tattoo (tramp stamp!). body piercings. new 180 #3: take up the offer for a drink from the old guy in room 202. maybe i'll get lucky.
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Learn what triggers your mind to start racing and stirring up the snakes. What's the cure for killing the snakes?
for the cure. see my new 180s.
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The rollercoaster goes both ways. This feeling is temporary.
i didn't want to post this on the newcomers forum because i don't want to discourage others.
<brief moment of clarity> i read how other suggest that you should stand up for yourself and protect yourself financially.
it has been said that this will make the WAS see you in a different light. that you are not a doormat. they will see you in a more attractive light cuz you're standing up for yourself.
well i beg to differ.
in my sitch, i took a different route. i saw how fighting to protect myself financially drove a huge wedge between the two of us. h loved $$ more than our friendship. his friend advised him to be as generous as possible since he initiated it. h didn't listen and wanted to walk away with everything. he fought, and manipulated his way to get more. he plotted to get me out of the house so he can claim abandonment and that the house should all be his. i didn't leave. if i had agreed to taking a small compensation for leaving, would he have been happier? would our friendship have been saved? i'll never know now.
that's why i took a different approach to the house hold stuff. take it all if it makes you happy. and does it? i sure hope it does.
You don't know how he is seeing you. The less you worry about what he thinks the better. I spent 10 months spending myself into oblivion so I wouldn't be sitting at home staring at the walls.
That felt good, but then reality set in. Eventually the money runs out and the best revenge is a life well lived.
So I put myself on a budget that gives me a few nights out, a few fun things to do.
The past two months I've righted the ship. It's allowing me to dream of a better life again. One that I'm in control of.
Reading your posts, you are really hurting. That's where I was in June and July of 2009. It gets better. It just does. Time heals. Stay away from your H. He doesn't value what you have to give.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
my investigation revealed that he bought a house. he's building it new. it will be ready in october. i don't know if he's purchased it with someone. with a bit of investigating, i'm sure i can figure that out. let's say he did for now.
my goal this weekend is to hit the home sales office and plunk down my savings for a home. buy one. build it bigger. better.
I think you need to prepare yourself. There may be an OW and he is involved in an affair.
i've already spoke to a PI. $1500 that's like a month's worth of rent. at this point, f*k it.
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Still, the statistics are poor that it will last. But exposure is a huge part of the recovery process.
yes. i wouldn't save it either. i'd torch his house instead.
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I pray I am really, really wrong about this.
*shrugs* i can't dwell. and yeah, i'd expose it to bosses, co-workers, etc. heck, i'd put it up on a large billboard. oh the damage i could do. there is so much ammo up my sleeve.
