Looking for help with WAW

[CityGirl]

And nothing wrong with talking to other ladies! A simple "hi, how are you doing?" to a kind stranger can really brighten your day and mental state.

HGSD (hot German Sheppard dude) always gets a bright hello from me when we walk our dogs!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I think in some ways I am slipping away.

mza8 you wrote this, and I felt this too. It's the beginning of detaching. I am so detached from W now that I don't even think about what's she's doing. Once you get to this point things will be more clear for you.

Has there been any talk of D?

I think CG is right about W contacting you about the house. Once the house is sold I think you will know more about W's intentions.

So again focus on you, limit or NC, act as if she is losing you and sell the house.

This is the game plan, stick to it. It your best shoty.

[mza8]

Yeah, I can say that a lot of the time now I don't think about or care about what she is doing.

She hasn't mentioned anything about separation or D since around last December/this past January. Nothing. She was so gung ho in the beginning to legally separate and divide everything. Since then...nothing. She could have been continuing all of this talk but she hasn't. She could have moved out of her parent's house into an apartment but she hasn't.

The house could take months or a year to sell. W was always stressed over the finances. I don't think she will feel comfortable until it sells.

I still haven't emailed her back yet. Don't know if I even want to. Why? I don't know. I have my IC appt. today and will see if that helps me figure out what I want to do.

[futureunknown]

Hi mza8-

One thing my sitch has shown me is the WAW's plans are very subject to change, but on a time scale measured in months. Over the past year and a half my W has gone from "I don't love you the way I should" to "I miss you, can we take this a day at a time" to "There is no going back for me" to "I like how we are together now" to "Our M has the same problems it always had" to "I was thinking of reconciling" to "There's no chance of us being together" to "I'm now strong enough for us".

Wow, as I read that back it even shocks me, and I lived it!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

One thing my sitch has shown me is the WAW's plans are very subject to change, but on a time scale measured in months. Over the past year and a half my W has gone from "I don't love you the way I should" to "I miss you, can we take this a day at a time" to "There is no going back for me" to "I like how we are together now" to "Our M has the same problems it always had" to "I was thinking of reconciling" to "There's no chance of us being together" to "I'm now strong enough for us".

That's confusing me too. My sitch is different in that W never said anything about R other than being apart.

mza8
Hang in there. I do see some hope for you. Like greek said before, Every move she made she know she was sure about- moving out, separate account.
Stuff that is uncertain will confuse the WAW and they will have a battle in their own mind.
Down read into anything she says or does. Take it for what it's worth. You need to be friends first before anything can happen.
I'm pullling for you.
gr8

[mza8]

Hi Future. Thanks for checking in my thread. Wow, I would say that you have definitely been on a rollercoaster. That must have been tough to hear that one day your W wants to work things out and other days she doesn't and then she goes back to wanting to reconcile.

Gr8, thanks for reminding me of what Greek said. That does help to try and make sense of some of this.

Thanks Future and Gr8 for the boost. I needed that today.

[futureunknown]

Wow, I would say that you have definitely been on a rollercoaster. That must have been tough to hear that one day your W wants to work things out and other days she doesn't and then she goes back to wanting to reconcile.

Yes, it has been tough, but realize, it's not like I was passively riding on the roller coaster. Some of her statements were reactions to me, like when I told her I was walking away, and when I embarassed her in mediation by telling the mediator about her A. I knew some of my actions would cause her to recoil back and lash out (like a snake), but it was important for me to maintain my self respect.

I appreciate you are trying to save your M, but always maintain your self respect as your top priority. Your W can't love you if she doesn't respect you, and she's not perfect, so when she crosses a line, don't be afraid to call her on it.

[mza8]

Thank you CityGirl. It's great support to have so many helping along this journey.

My IC tells me to do something very similar to what you suggest. My IC tells me to allow myself one hour each day to think about this and then move on and think about something else. That helps.

I think you're right about my W. I think she might feel like she wants me to reach out to her at times. My DB coach said that because I used to take care of most things in the M, my W might still be looking for me to take care of things. She might be looking for me to continue to take the leadership role. My DB coach suggested that I continue this role as it shows strength to my W. I've thought a lot about that one. In a way, yes, I can understand that logic. On the other hand I think my W needs to feel like she can no longer rely on me to take care of things or answer her questions. Hmmm...

LOL about your HGSD. Hahaha! I like that one. I notice women usually say hello to me when I'm out walking my dogs. I have two miniature pinschers. They are awesome dogs. Sad though. My W loved these dogs and she never asks about them now. I remember one day a couple months ago her and I were both at the house and she looked in the backyard and asked if the dogs were outside. I said no, I didn't bring the dogs with me. One time before that when I did have the dogs over and my W was there, she didn't even pet them. They ran up to her and she just looked down at them. Didn't even say their names. Nothing.

Looking forward to my IC appt. today. I like my IC. He makes a lot of sense.

[mza8]

Had my IC appt. today. Told him that I felt like giving up lately. Said that I see nothing from W that would indicate any reason I should continue to be patient and try. He understood but said that I should give it more time.

He is very pro marriage. Maybe too much. I say that because some of the things he suggests are pursuing. Not too much though, he knows not to push her away, but some things he suggests I don't think I should do right now.

For example, he said that I should respond to her email and keep it to the point just like everyone here has suggested. He's not even too concerned about asking her questions about the house. He thinks at the end of the email I should just say, "miss you". Wow, I don't know about that one. His reason is because he thinks if my W continues to just email me about business stuff, she is removing any emotion. He said by injecting little things at the end of my emails like, "miss you" or "thinking of you", it puts some emotion back in...gives her something to think about. I understand what he's trying to say. I'm just not sure that now is the right time for something like that. I also told him about our anniversary next week. He said he wouldn't send a card (which I wasn't going to do) but he said to maybe send her a text just saying, "thinking of you today"...don't even sign it. He said she will know what it means. I don't know about that one either.

I think his point was that if I don't inject some emotion back into this, my W might just continue to be civil about the business stuff until it's time for D. He also feels like I shouldn't wait for days at a time to respond to W's emails. He said if I want some time to think about what I want to say to her, that I just tell her that she has some good questions and I need a couple days to think about it. His reason for me at least getting back to W the same day is because he said she might think it's the same old mza8 and I'm not getting back to her because I'm upset. Ok, that makes sense to me, don't know that I will do it but it makes sense.

All sorts of conflicting, confusing information. Anyway, when I get back this evening I'll respond to her email. Don't think I will be including any "miss you" in this email.

[mza8]

Ughhh!!! I still haven't sent this stupid email reply to W. I just can't do it and I don't know why? A simple, meaningless email and I still haven't sent it. This is ridiculous, I know.

I keep thinking how she took the money from our joint account months ago (she still has not offered to put it back or allow me access to the new account), she was dishonest that she already renewed her gym membership, she has done nothing to help with the house, she has made zero effort to discuss the M during these 7 months, etc. I feel like why should I bother to give her the courtesy of a reply to her email when she has done nothing but continue to be self indulgent?

I have the email written. It's short and to the point. Nothing more. I just can't hit the damn send button. To know that by sending it to her today it will give her the contact she was aking for and she will go and have herself a wonderful weekend. Meanwhile I'm still left behind to think about this sitch this weekend...again. God knows I'm not trying to be petty. I feel like if I don't email her back then she will think I'm upset and purposely not emailing her. I don't feel upset, instead I just feel like she's done so much negative stuff and little to no positive stuff, what difference does it make?

I know I should email back to keep things "friendly". Maybe she'll email back and add to the conversation. Maybe, maybe, maybe. God forbid that two adults (after being separated for 7 months) could at least get together to talk.

Sorry for the rant...just needed to vent. I'm sure I'll email her at some point today.