Take this with a grain of salt as I am far from being an expert. Just a few things that stuck out.
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Millions of people suffer from depression. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Would it not be worth seeking therapy or medication NOW? Remember my OCD. I could not think clearly or logically and it took every ounce of will that I had to even get out of bed in the morning. Everything I have read and seen says "if you suffer from depression (wanting to curl up and die) for more than 3 weeks, you should seek professional help". Depression is a chemical imbalance that can be helped with medication and therapy. Why not give it a try?
And her answer:
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I honestly do not think I have a problem with depression…I have never felt I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had 3 separate days of deep depression and I do think it was from this situation…I’m not going to go through this joyfully. So, I think you have it backwards.
Mind reading. I know you're searching for answers, but this never works.
You:
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Life is really hard sometimes. We are so lucky to have 3 wonderful healthy children. The harder we look for happiness in this materialistic world, the further away such becomes.
Her:
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Not sure why you are bringing up more money because I didn’t seek that…I was seeking a job with equal pay, but I thought would be rewarding spiritually as well because it was a Catholic School. If you are saying choosing to stay at Awty because of the large increase in pay was me seeking a material happiness is a shock to me. I got the others because I was financially able to do so and it was something I always wanted.
Same thing. Stop doing it.
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I know you are taking responsibility for your actions but at the same time you are trying to shift the blame to depression or a midlife crisis and I truly believe this is wrong. I guess it’s hard for you to believe your actions caused this or else you wouldn’t have done it, but I’m telling you they did and in regards to forgiveness I continually forgave you for 10 years and maybe a person reaches a point they can’t do it anymore. I don’t want you to think I’ve given up…I’m just as frustrated because of course I want to keep our family together and I’m just hoping we can reverse the damage that has been done on the inside.
These are her feelings. Right or wrong, in your eyes, they are hers and she can feel however she wants. You have said you are sorry enough. She knows it. Don't tell her again. She also knows that you are trying and it obviously pisses her off. Maybe she thinks it is all fake and you will revert to your old self. Continue to improve yourself and don't look to her to validate. She won't right now. Hell, at least she says she want to keep the family together. Give her space and time and no pressure. And, no more e-mails like this! It is pressure to her. All has been said that needs to be. She knows. You know. You will have to do the heavy lifting for the time being. Do it with a gladly with a smile on your face. If she is serious about keeping the family together, she will, eventually soften her heart if your changes are real and permanent.
